Metro hired two firms to [rebuild its image] This cat cafe is really happening [and they’ll write your ex’s name on a litter box] Black Cat is moving its [weeknight shows up] DC Mad Max-style ATV group [chases cop off] The P Street Whole Foods [will finally have half decent …

R. Kelly is apartment hunting on Capitol Hill. That’s right, the R&B star is looking to bring his bump n’ grind to DC. H/T Becca Glover for kick starting the jokes.