Facebook Status Abuse: Jim is eating an organic cucumber sandwich w/orange raisin curry sauce 🙂 🙂 Two problems here Jimbo:  1) Organic cucumbers are so 2007.  2) This update is certainly not worthy of a smiley face, let alone two. [contact-form 3 “Facebook Alerts”]

Facebook Status Abuse: Out of town for work until Thursday…not that anyone really cares. Bingo!  Another desperate act for attention.

Facebook Status Update Abuse: Colonoscopy This is not only unnecessary, unwelcomed and unclasssy, but entirely too much information and makes us uncomfortable.  What’s worse is wondering whether or not this status abuse was sent during the actual procedure.

Facebook Status Update Abuse Awesomeness: "I’m in the car and am freezing. Really want to turn the seat warmer on, but not so sure that is a good idea since I have to pee like a race horse." Don’t we wish they were all this insightful.  Job well done. And …

Facebook Status Update: Kristy is 3 days cigarette free & miserable!!! Approach w/ Caution! See, it’s possible that not all FB updates have to suck.

Facebook Status Abuse #1: L is completely disgusted by her father. Who woulda thought?! This is usually about the time when we’d ask "what did he do?" But that’s what you want us to do, so we won’t. Facebok Status Abuse #2: Joe is wasted.com or Joe is exhausted.com Stop …

Facebook Status Abuse: Sarah is you know when the metro is running really late AND then there’s a sick passenger? Yeah, she passed out on me! When it’s cold outside, homeless people need a place to sleep.  You’ll get over it soon enough. [contact-form 3 “Facebook Alerts”]

Facebook status abuse #1: Chizzy very nearly went clubbing tonite…phew. Unless you very nearly clubbed a pack of seals, why is this such a huge relief?  It’s okay to shake your ass every once and again. Facebook status abuse #2: Poony is feeling weird. Put down the drink and run …

Facebook status abuse #1: Chuck is unexpectedly walking in Memphis thanks to the ice storm. Unexpectedly because Chuck is a paraplegic in a wheelchair. [contact-form 3 “Facebook Alerts”]

Facebook status abuse #1: Kelly is buying a burberry purse! I REALLY need to save my money for my ticket and reinstating my license… But I’d rather have the purse than my license. 🙂 Kelly, reread your Facebook update and then email us later if you think it made a …

Facebook Status Abuse: Joe is eating meals with two gorgeous DG girls today, and is therefore the luckiest guy on earth!! We have no comment. In related news: We would like to take a moment and thank the fan that sent us hate mail this weekend.  It was awesome. We …

Facebook status abuse #1: Craig is multitasking. I’m being Mr. Mom for Billy, booking our New York trip for the first of March, and starting to celebrate Bob Marley’s birthday. What exactly do you mean by “starting to celebrate Bob Marley’s birthday?” If it’s what we think it is, please …

Today’s Facebook status abuse of the day: Tim Barns hates bitches who think they’re back in sorority-land and can just change the iPod whenever they don’t like the song. FAIL. TRANSFER TO ANOTHER LAW SCHOOL! Tim, virginity can be tough sometimes, but there is no reason for such an outburst …