Facebook Status Abuse: [this was just sent to us and it would be a hot shame if we didn’t post it immediately.] Big argument w/ fiancé about whether to update Facebook status to “married” after the exchange of rings or as part of the vows. Dear Soon to Be Married …

We haven’t featured Facebook updates in quite a while.  The reason: Most of the ridiculous updates have moved to Twitter. The quick service door at the US Post Office is a complete misnomer. We couldn’t agree more.

Facebook Status Awesomeness: It’s not original, but it’s well said. I’m tired of following my dreams… I’m just going to ask where their going, and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg Amen. [contact-form 3 "Facebook Alerts"]

Facebook Awesomeness: If you don’t know, as of today, Facebook will automatically start plunging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings –> Planetary Settings –> Trajectory then UN-CLICK the box that says ‘Apocalypse.’ Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and paste onto your status for …

Facebook Awesomeness: Just saw a commercial for Snuggies and a couple was wearing them at the movie theater. These things better have magic powers because if I see someone wearing a Snuggie at movie theater they might take an ass whooping. Clearly a sign of the end times. Like we …

Facebook Status Abuse: I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT – DOUBTERS BEWARE. IF YOU HATE THE PLAYER, DON’T PLAY THE GAME!!!! We have our own theory about people WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPS — but we’ll keep it to ourselves. Got a friend who abuses their status updates? Report them …

Facebook Status Awesomeness: Just passed a woman riding her bike to work on Pennsylvania Ave…more impressive than temp is 39 degrees…she was wearing high heels. You go, girl. That’s how we do in the District. [contact-form 3 "Facebook Alerts"]

Facebook Status Abuse: Kip is sitting here, trying to think of an insightful or funny status message but not having any luck … so … this will have to do. Rule 1: If you have nothing to say, don’t waste everyone’s time by saying nothing. [contact-form 3 "Facebook Alerts"]

In case you’re wondering if Facebook could ever keep you out of jail, it can: WHERE MY IHOP? A 19-year-old New York City man arrested on robbery charges has been exonerated thanks to his Facebook page — and a request for pancakes. True story. Read the rest.

Facebook Status Abuse: Jim is sick. Thanks for letting us know, because had you not told us, we would have asked. For now, whip up some chicken noodle soup and tune into the Law & Order marathon on TBS. And for the love of all that’s holy, stay off Facebook …

Facebook Status Abuse: Matt is at the doctors for semi-annual inappropriate touching session. Matt, put down the blackberry and turn your head and cough. Now promise us you’ll never tweet from the doctor’s office again. Do you know someone who abuses Facebook ? Report them below. [contact-form 3 "Facebook Alerts"]

Facebook Status Abuse: FarmVille: THE CIRCUS IS IN TOWN! You know what they say about elephants, y’all: They never forget. Well, for the next 48 HOURS in FarmVille, you can send a BABY ELEPHANT to your friends so that they’ll never forget YOU. Be sure to hurry, these not-…so-little critters …

Facebook Status Abuse: Fred had a great breakfast It’s entirely too early on a Monday morning to make fun of Fred, but he’s officially been warned. [contact-form 3 "Facebook Alerts"]

Facebook Status Curiosity: Mike Huckabee: Please join me on Facebook tonight from 7 to 10 PM ET to help me spread our message and tell our government leaders "you work for us." Nobody likes three-hour windows, Mike. Just ask the Comcast HR department.

Facebook Status Abuse: Jim misses the days of 90 minute massages… Don’t we all, Jimbo. Now get off your iPhone and get back to work. Those floors aren’t going to mop themselves. Do your friends abuse their Facebook feed?  Report them below. [contact-form 3 "Facebook Alerts"]