This Sunday, the MetLife Stadium will host two titans of the 2013-2014 football season, the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos. The Broncos have two NFL championships under their belts, making the Seahawks this year’s underdogs.

What will happen during this drama-charged game? Who will win? Who will lose? Don’t call your bookie or anything, but we have some ideas.

1. The guy who dragged you to the bar to watch the entire State of the Union live is going to whine about how many breaks in play there are during the game, how much money athletes make and how this is being hosted in New Jersey, for heaven’s sake. If you ignore him long enough, he’ll quiet down and stare at his phone.

2. Your coworker will turn the channel to the Puppy Bowl X, and won’t turn it back in time for you to catch the beginning of the third quarter. You will make a mental note never to invite her again.

3. Someone will finish off the only bowl of cheese doodles prematurely. The good beer you tried to hide in the back of the fridge will be gone way earlier, though.

4. “Who’s Bruno Mars?”

5. That nerd who watched all the commercials before the game will excitedly squeal that “This is a good one!” making you miss the first three seconds of every commercial. They will then proceed to talk about Newcastle’s totally genius non-Super Bowl ads.

6. You will, at many points during the game, have no idea what just happened. You will not ask what happened. You fault distraction.

7. Around the second quarter you will begin to see an increased number of tweets dealing with the philosophical and metaphysical merits of football begin to come out of Colorado. Tweets like: “Dude,  ever think about how football doesn’t really involve feet” and “@Doritos! !!!!!!!!?!!!! #Doritos” will only increase in frequency as the pot cloud in the mile high city thickens.

8. Your friend, who was a bookie in another life, has seven different pools running on this game and will only be babbling about possible outcomes and random numbers from some mythical math they created. You still put $50 in. 

9. Of course your dad finally learned how to text only to update you with his commentary of the game and then is annoyed when you don’t reply instantly. You’ll claim your phone died. 

10. You will start the Twitter campaign #bringbackbruce between the first and second quarter. 

11. That guy that has been to a Super Bowl before will keep telling you stories about that game as it compares to this one. “Yeah, when I was at the Giants – Pats game, I thought it was over when the fourth quarter starter.” “Did you see that catch? – It reminds me of that time Eli threw the ball and he caught it with his helmet. Did you know that I went to that game?” 

12. Your hippie friend will then start talking about concussions and how more NFL players should smoke weed for the headaches. And then he will start some ridiculous argument about how he thinks pot is safer than beer. 

13. Your liberal friend will talk about how football breeds a culture of violence and recite facts about head injuries. Your eyes will roll. Your conservative friend will talk about how football has been neutered and they should play without helmets and add some spikes in there. You suggest sarcastically they end all games with a Mortal Kombat style decapitation. They won’t understand your sarcasm.

14. That girl your friend is dating? Yeah, the annoying one. [Ed: See prediction #18.] She will continue to be even more annoying than you thought humanly possible. You’ll text him “really?!?”

15. You know that guy who gets hammered way before everyone else- he’ll be fine just sleeping on the floor. We’ll wake him up when the game actually starts. 

16. A fellow spectator will ask if there’s anything gluten-free, vegan, or vegetarian. You’ll make a mental note to kill extra bambis this hunting season.

17. Someone will say something racist about Richard Sherman. You’ll immediately ask them to leave to resounding applause from your friends. Hero status achieved.

18. This party guest moved back here from NYC, loves fashion and refers to sports as #sportz because she doesn’t understand any of the rules. She starts drinking Budweiser Lime-A-Ritas at 8am and won’t stop squealing about the “cute butts” on the “hashtag sportz dudes” every five minutes. She says the whole word “hashtag” before “sports” and now she thinks it’s funny even though your other friends start edging away and eying you with blanket judgement.  You don’t even care who wins anymore and start downing bourbon while your friend bets on the “cute uniforms” and actually wins the whole spread. After this Superbowl you aren’t invited to any more parties.

Photo by Eduardo GD
Feature photo by Abigail Johanna Photography

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