We’ve Had About Enough of This Sh*t

We all understand how much fun Facebook is.  Not only does it help us reconnect with friends, but it gives us the ability to stalk our high school crush from the privacy of our own homes, work stations and blackberries (by the way: congratulations, Samantha, on your second child born out of wedlock…way to go).

With that said, we have a complaint:  Some Facebookers are completely abusing their status update privileges.

While some folks might think they’re issuing their “friends” clever or informative insights into their lives, the truth is, most of you are really starting to annoy us.

For instance, is anyone you know [including yourself] guilty of the following updates?

…Susie is tired.
…George is blah!
…Albert is headed to the gym.  Boo!
…Jim is on his way to work.

Look, we’re glad you find joy in announcing that you’re going to work, especially when our economy is six feet deep and millions of people are losing their jobs, but for Christ’s sake, must you find so much joy in announcing it?  To be honest, nobody cares.

And frankly, nobody gives a sh*t that you’re spending a “quiet night at home”…

… or working for the weekend
… or about to be on CNN.
… or getting your haircut
… or about to eat dinner

We care more about the nutritional information at Chop’t than we do about what you’re doing every second of the day.

And those of you who use your updates to beg questions about “cool stuff” going on in your life can just stop it right now.  We’re not biting.

…Bob has turned over a new leaf.
…Karen can’t believe that happened.
…Billy is working on an exciting new project!
…Richard is WOW!  Didn’t see THAT coming!

If you’re that desperate for someone to take notice of you, join the Boys and Girls Club of America.  But please don’t try to draw attention to yourself through status updates that require us to write you for clarification.  If we have to ask, it’s probably not cool.

And by the way, if you “can’t sleep, ugh,” try turning off the computer and shutting your eyes.  Or better yet, take a shot of Jack with two Tylenol PM.

If you’re “on hold with Comcast,” join the millions of other Americans who hate them as well.  We’re sure there’s some sort of Facebook group for that.

All this being said, we don’t want to discourage people from updating their statuses.  Lord knows there are several of you out there that are way ahead of the curve when it comes to creativity.  All we’re asking is that you think about what you’re saying before you hit “post”.

For instance, instead of telling us that you’re “glancing out your office window staring at the National Mall,” tell us things we’ll actually care about, like:

…Just gave birth even though I didn’t know I was pregnant.
…Just survived another failed suicide attempt. Ugh.
…Just kicked my coworker in the face. Again
…Just messed my pants during a job interview.  I start next week.
…Just tied concrete blocks to the ankles of my in laws.  This ought to be interesting.
…Just watched my neighbor take a dump on his own porch.

And if you must leave us with opened ended status updates, try something like this:

…Holy sh*t that’s a lot of blood.
…Just tested positive.
…Can’t believe I got away with that.
…If they call, I was at your house all night.
…Unclear as to which personality of mine you’re referring to.

We’re not asking much, and we’re only trying to help make the internet less douchetastic.  So in order to keep folks honest, we’re opening up our tip line to ridiculous FB updates of the day.  If one of your friends, co-workers or random Facebook friends posts something stupid, fire it our way by filling out the anonymous tip box below.  We’ll make them Famous.  Names will be changed to protect the moronic.

Obama inspired change.  The least we could do is help him along.