Week two is in the books.  The NFL is the best reality show on TV.  Lots of games have come down to the final minutes and you can’t beat that kind of a drama.

Let’s get it started.

1. The Dallas Cowboys lost their home opener in their new $90 bazillion stadium and it’s the best thing that has happened since they lost their last game ever played at their old stadium. That loud pop you heard Sunday night was Jerry Jones’s head popping. It’s good to be an American today.
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2. Tony Romo had one good game three years ago and he’s still riding that wave. There is nothing worse than the delusion that this guy can actually play football. He’s bad, very bad. If he didn’t have a completely whacked out Rastafarian smashing through the line every other down to save his ass he’d be just another talentless douche bag who dated Jessica Simpson. Yes, John Mayer I’m looking at you.
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3. It was a phenomenal day for persons with last name “Johnson” on Sunday. Chris Johnson ran a marathon over the Texan’s defense scoring three times from no closer than a mile away each time. He led the entire NFL with 45 fantasy points (how does that taste, Peterson?). In the same game Andre Johnson of the Texans ran, caught and celebrated two touch downs scoring 26 fantasy points. Some dude named Calvin Johnson shrugged off the suck that is Detroit and put 12 on the fantasy board. And let’s not forget our favorite duck-footed loser in KC, Larry Johnson who put up 11 points and managed not to score touchdown yet again. Of course the biggest winner was Don Johnson who scaled a mini-bar at Dolphin stadium and started screaming “I was Mark Harmon before Mark Harmon was Mark Harmon.” Tubbs could not be reached for comment although Sheena Easton begged us to interview her.
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4. Tom Brady might as well be injured and out for the season. It’s bad enough his production is only producing supermodel babies and INTs, now he’s bringing Randy Moss down. However, it’s two games into the season and a collective “aww shit” came out of the mouths of every football pundit in the country when they dropped the soap in New Jersey Jet’s shower on Sunday. All of a sudden the fanboys on the networks look pretty damn stupid. I guess that’s worth benching your third round quarterback and receiver in week three of the season.
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5. Matt Hassellback’s wife can give birth while engaging in a verbal samurai fight with Whoopee Goldberg (she’s Jewish? Who knew?) under the hot lights of a studio without even one wince of pain, but he can’t get to week three without breaking upper chest cavity. What a loser. Kurt Cobain even thinks you stink.
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6. I’d be a total asshole if I didn’t mention that Ray Lewis took a moment out of his busy day job scheduling drug deals to pummel LT’s midget-like replacement to put the game out of reach in the fourth quarter. What a freaking play. Shawne Merriman should have been taking notes on the other sideline. The first line of those notes should read, “Hit midgets holding footballs instead of hitting Asian midgets holding vodka drinks.” The Ravens are numero uno in the power rankings this week. If by “power” they mean “the team that has the most Joe Flacco,” then they are absolutely correct. There’s nothing a little more Flacco can’t fix.
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7. Big Ben Rothletsgogetaburger proved be the mediocre quarterback he’s always been if you don’t count the last two minutes in close games. Their loss is the best thing for them. Once they lose early in a season and the media focuses elsewhere, and they start winning games. Just like last year we’ll be sleeping along and the next thing you know they’re the AFC champs. So good night, Ben… We’ll see you in Feb. Keep your hands to yourself in the meantime. Getting some strange ass on the road is a right of passage for NFL quarterbacks and truck drivers alike, but for god’s sake tell them you’re Tony Romo next time.
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8. I also wanted to congratulate the college equivalent of the Patriots, USC, on their loss to one of the shittiest teams of all time. If they had lost to a ranked team I could understand. If they lost to a team that started the season ranked, but fell out, I could understand. But they lost to a team that hadn’t one a game since Michael Jackson was black. Do not expect to be in that National Championship conversation even if you go the rest of the way without a loss. You’re ass is playing in a crappy bowl, in a crappy town where your crappy fans will not find tofu anything and the best hotel in town will be the Best Western. You’ll be able to pick it out because it has the nice Denny’s next to it.
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9. Terrible Owens caught a key pass for the Buffalo Bills who are looking like the Buffalo Bills of last year. You might remember how well they played last year until God remembered how much he/she hates Buffalo (because their team symbol is a depiction of the city’s name and not the team’s name), so he plunged them into subzero temperatures starting in October. It’s hard to do anything in minus fifty degree weather, much less win football games. However there are lots of nipples to be seen.
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10. Can anybody care less about the Green Bay Packers? When Favre left, so did any reason to watch them. They let Ochostinko do the Lambeau leap… worse they let him score. How does a guy actively twittering during the play run by you and score a touchdown?
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11. Manning won. Dallas Clark caught passes. It was close. That’s all I got to say about that.
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12. When J-Lo and Marc Anthony own a piece of your team, don’t expect to win anything that doesn’t involve sequins. J-Lo and Marc Anthony? What, did Liberace’s estate not want any of that action? Give me a break. It was bad enough that Jon Bon Jovi and Jennifer Aniston’s hair teamed up to buy an indoor team. We don’t need an injection of Latin R&B into the sacred grounds of the NFL’s owner’s boxes. Couldn’t they have bought a soccer team or something?
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13. I’ll leave you with this because I’m tired, drunk and need to find a place to store the 14 year-old Salvadorian prostitute I ordered through my local ACORN office last week. Vick will play. McNabb’s mother will poison Vick’s Campbell’s Chunky Soup. Jeff Garcia will be named the starter for the rest of the season after McNabb is suspended for his mother’s actions. Kolb will be the second professional football player to call Garcia a homo. I can’t explain how I know this, but I will admit that Kyle Orton’s mom let him spend the night last night and he brought a Ouija board with him. I will not comment on whether a 12 sided die was used or not, so don’t ask.
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15. Okay, one more. Spurrier is going to find the pretender this week and he’s going to put the hurt on them. And he will wear a visor while doing it.

See you next week!