I didn’t make the playoffs in my “important” leagues (important = money on the line).  Now I have to tell my wife that there’s not going to be Christmas for the family this year.  That’s what happens when you put all of your fantasy eggs in a Chris Johnson basket.  She’s going to blame me for losing and I’m going to remind her that there were nine other men each week who put us in this position.  Nobody loses a fantasy season by themselves.

Of course she’ll be throwing around words like “divorce,” “my mother said,” and “loser.”  She doesn’t realize that you have to spend money to make money.  Or something.

Here we go:

1. I think Stevie Johnson’s hilarious TD celebration mocking Plaxico Burress was probably more poignant and funny than any skit Saturday Night Live has put on in the last 15 years.  Of course the NFL has no sense of humor and fines the guy.  God forbid they let anything clever happen on the field.

This comes from the same group of people who want to promote healthy active children by asking them to “get on the bus” instead of walking their happy little asses to the park.   Nothing says “exercise” like a ride on a bus.

2. Here are the five guys who screwed me the hardest this year:

• Chris Johnson – I would have been better off taking a defense as my first pick.  I’d like to say his recent surge would help in the playoffs, but since he sucked all season I didn’t make the playoffs.
• Darren McFadden – he has put up five zeros since going down with a sprained uterus in week six.  Before that he only really only had two games worth talking about.  He was on average a third round pick in most leagues.  You fantasy idiots will bump him up to the first round next season because you have the memory of a Clinton during testimony.
• Peyton Hillis – the Great White Nope.  He got a cold in week three and somehow pulled his hamstring throwing himself a pity party after that.  He’s about as relevant as the entire city of Cleveland.
• Rashard Mendenhall – in week six he had 20 points and that’s only because they doubled his duty.  I only wish this guy had an injury excuse.
• Andre Johnson – this one doesn’t hurt so much given that he pretty much ended any shot he ever had at any quality career stats by being out for so long with an injured something or other.  No hard feelings since he is as screwed as I am.

3. I don’t count the Texans as “unlucky” for the loss of Matt Leinart after just one half of brilliantly mediocre play.  We will never know for sure, but I think they dodged what the Arizona Cardinals already went through – failure delivered by a male model.  I’m not a believer in the theory that whilst sitting on the bench football talent can seep into your ass you’ll become something you haven’t ever been, which in this case is a good quarterback.

The best part was that they had to put in a grown man named “T.J.” to finish the game.  I know about ten “T.J.s” and all of them pee with their pants around their ankles.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

4. Jimmy “Moonlight” Graham has to be the sleepiest sleeper of the entire season.  I still don’t know what team he plays for.  I really just wish he was on mine.

5. I find it odd that it’s perfectly acceptable that the Colts are 0 for forever.  Not a single person on earth is at all shocked at how bad they are without Manning.  I guess it’s like anything else in life – if you know where the smell is coming from, you’re a lot more at ease with it than when you don’t.

6. I think the initial credit for the Broncos win over the Chargers in OT was going to be given to Tebow.  Sensational headlines championing Tebow’s Christ-like qualities were shelved for the more obvious explanation – the Chargers choked… again.  They just happened to be playing Tebow and his apostles when it happened… again.  Instead of a David versus Goliath battle, it was more of a David versus Harold situation.  Harold is about an inch taller than David and outweighs him by a couple turkey dinners.  So it wasn’t completely unexpected to see Harold go down after punching himself in the balls a few times.

7. I think if you’re a Steelers fan you have to stop believing the bullshit hype about Ben Rothletsogetaburger.  The sports media glossed over the fact that he had a pretty sub-par day for a guy who was playing a shell of football team.  The names of quarterbacks who had better fantasy outings than the Bathroom Banger… Christian Ponder (I’m pondering who the fuck this guy is), Tavaris Jackson (yes, really), Caleb Hanie (who?) and Rex Grossman (THE Rex Grossman).  I’m not feeling the second round of the playoffs for the terrible towel crowd.

8.  If you’re in the playoffs it’s probably because you have one of these five quarterbacks on your team – Rogers, Brees, Newton, Brady and Stafford.  They’re also the top fantasy earners among ALL players so far this season.  Aren’t you glad you drafted nine straight running backs?

9. Drew Brees was on fire on Monday night. Like Richard Simmons on fire.

10. It was good to see the Ravens defensive put up 18 points.  That’s all they had in the previous four weeks combined.  They’re still really iffy for the post season.

11. Wes Welker was back on top this week with 23 points.  That’s all he had in the previous four weeks combined.  College coaches around the country are pissed at Welker after the massive influx of 5 foot 2 munchkins trying to “walk on” to their football teams.  They don’t as much “walk on” as they “waddle on” when they’re that short.

12. I couldn’t find another player whose weekly total fantasy points equaled the previous four weeks for this slot… sorry.

13. The Bears and the Texans are done. Kyle Orton was the only thing that could have fixed their respective wagons and he’s now a Kansas City Chief.  They will win the Super Bowl next year – mark it done.

14. Somebody tell Ndamukong Suh that if you’re going to get thrown out of the game for stomping on somebody, at least hurt the guy. Somewhere Albert Haynesworth was heard mumbling “amateur.”

15. The Andrew Luck story is pretty much written… at least to the part where he’s drafted by the Colts.  All we have to do now is endure the most uncomfortable football break-up in the history of football break-ups.  To watch Forehead Manning be booed off the field next year (if he even gets out of training camp with a job) is going to hurt. I thought Bret Favre’s many goodbyes hurt, but they may not amount to anything compared to this.

I must interject Ryan Leaf into this conversation for two reasons.  First, he was drafted the same year as Forehead.  Second, the hype was there, the play wasn’t.  It will be hilarious if Andrew Luck sucks.  I’m without a comparison of a let down as big the one that Luck could turn out to be, but it’s somewhere between being set up with model and finding out that she’s a “plus-sized” model and seeing Chaz Bono naked.  Don’t wanna be that guy.

For those of you who made the playoffs, suck it good luck!