Please accept my sincerest apologies for not producing a fantasy football rant during the week of thanksgiving. I was busy organizing the Matt Cassel fan club in Boston. Obviously this was before he turned into the Britney Spears of NFL quarterbacks on Sunday.
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This has been the most inconsistent fantasy football season I’ve ever had the displeasure of participating in. I’m very close to spending next fall playing fantasy bass fishing.
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We have a lot to talk about, so let’s get started.
1. Brian Westbrook scored 37 fantasy points this week against the Arizona Cardinals. It was tops this week. When was the last time he scored 30 plus fantasy points? In week eight against the Atlanta Falcons. He might not be a half bad fantasy option if he could play teams named after birds every week. Again, that’s what you get for putting all your eggs in a Brian Westbrook basket. What’s that sound Brian? Oh yeah, those are batteries bouncing off of your helmet – don’t you just love home games?
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2. I might as well put both feet into the hot smelly excrement that is the Philly Eagles. Donovan McNabb was the fourth highest scoring fantasy player this week an incredible four TDs. He really bounced back from being benched at halftime the week before. Don’t get your dancing pants on just yet, boys. You can’t give a 90 year-old man a hand full of Viagra and call him 18 again. Like a body thrown overboard by African pirates – he’s washed up.
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3. Props to the NFL midget again! He’s on fire. DeAngelo Williams is a must start from here on out. The little guy wiggled his wee-little legs for four TDs against the team who formerly employed a winning quarterback named Favre.
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4. Speaking of obese people with random capital letters in the middle of their names, LenDale White put the turkey leg down and scored two touchdowns against the… Wait, never mind. It was the freaking Lions. Detroit is like the chick at the party drinking Boone’s Farm – anybody can score.
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5. Kyle Orton is a skidmark in Captain Kirk’s underwear. Dorks can’t play football and he’s the prime example of why. Screw you, Kyle. I believed in you and this is how I’m repaid? I hate you. I’m shaving my neck beard.
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6. Nobody likes the BCS except the number one team in the nation at that moment. However, I will not beat my wife over the fact that Texas isn’t playing in the Big 12 championship or the National Championship. I’m a Texas fan and I understand that had WE NOT LEFT THE BEST WIDE RECEIVER IN THE COUNTRY IN SINGLE COVERAGE we would have beaten Texas Tech. Mack Brown is failure on the bottom of a loser’s shoe. Roll Tide.
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7. I like how the Dallas Cowboys beat two crappy teams and all of a sudden they’re “Super Bowl bound” again. Between them and the playoffs are the Ravens, Steelers, Giants, Eagles and Jessica Simpson. Good luck Howdy Doody and friends.
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8. The LT thing was funny early on and now it’s just sad. It’s like your uncle with a drinking problem – it’s funny and all until your watch comes up missing. None of you will learn your lesson and you’ll be salivating over him in the first round of next year’s draft. It doesn’t take Dionne Warwick to tell you how that’s going to turn out. (If you don’t get the Dionne Warwick reference, jump in front of a bike messenger, you’re useless to funny people).
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9. I know all of you Ravens fans are praying that I’ll talk about not only Joe Flaco, but Mark Clayton as well. He’s had two games with significant yards and a touchdown. He threw for one on the last game – it was a novelty. Don’t get all excited and pull off your bullet proof vest and start walking the streets of Baltimore. Your bread and butter is still your defense and the freakishly unathletic play of Joe Flaco. Your hero is Flaco. And he will stay you heror until Cal Ripken Jr. decides it’s time to change. I’ve got one word for you – Boog Powell.
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10. I was just looking around at stats today realized that Tony Gonzalez is the best tight end you could have drafted this year. I love it when Mexicans are good at something other than Hockey.
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11. Forehead Manning and his Prepubescent Horses squeaked out yet another victory on their ugly run toward the playoffs. The Cleveland Skidmarks held Forehead to one (1, uno, 2-1=1) fantasy point. He managed to throw the ball to the other team twice just to make it interesting. A little known fact about Forehead’s performance is that he actually ranked behind the suicidal mess of a quarterback, Vince “I’m Gonna Die” Young, who had one completion for 54 yards. He managed two fantasy points.
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12. Since we are on the topic of quarterbacks I hate… Ben Rothletsgogetaburger beat the team already handed the Super Bowl trophy during the preseason, the New England Patriots. He wasn’t that great or anything, it’s just that Matt Cassel was super shitty. He scored minus two (-2, -3+1= negative dos) fantasy points in that game. He had two interceptions, two fumbles and teammates say he shit his pants in the third quarter and tried to tell them it was mud. That’s one pathetic loser. Tom Brady couldn’t be reached for comment, he was busy looking for his testicles in Bunchen’s apartment.
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13. The Jets did lose to the Broncos on a rainy day in New Jersey. Or did the Broncos march into New Jersey and kick Brett Favre and the other guys we don’t care about right in the balls? Letting Peyton Hillis go “walk about” on your defense is like Usher losing a dance-off to a white guy. (if you don’t get that, go find a picture of a dolphin to write poetry about).
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14. Who is the best quarterback in the NFL with two first names? Matt Ryan, that’s who.
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15. It’s playoff time for most of you in normal fantasy leagues. This is where it really counts. DO NOT START PLAXICO BURRESS. I REPEAT – DO NOT START PLAXICO BURRESS. I’m very worried about his ability to break away from coverage this late in the season.
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16. Knowing that it’s late in the season you should be wary of any player on any of the following teams: Bengals, Lions, Rams and Seahawks – that’s one shitty zoo you’d be visiting at this point.
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17. Good luck this week. You need to have your shit-talking sting this time of year. This is where you cross the line so far and so often that your brother doesn’t even come home for Christmas. This is where you make the weak tremble with fear and the strong wet their pants. It’s like Coach Ditka told me once, “If you can’t beat them, hurt their feelings and destroy their self-esteem. Sleep with their wives if you can, too.”