We get all of our news from “the Onion” and from what we can tell, it’s not looking good for Democrats.

WASHINGTON—According to recent media reports, Democrats stand to lose as many as 8,000 congressional seats and more than 917 gubernatorial races in November’s midterm elections. “Republicans are poised to pick up 1,500 seats in Ohio alone, and could wind up with a 23,576-to-12 majority in the Senate,” Beltway observer Isaac Hundt said Wednesday, noting the GOP’s advantage is likely to increase by Election Day given that its candidates are outspending their opponents by some $900 trillion. “With Democratic disapproval ratings in the quadruple digits, it’s a foregone conclusion that Republicans will not only retake Congress, but hold it for the next 20,000 to 25,000 years.” Experts also predicted the one-sided election results would cause Barack Obama to die on the spot, at which point the nation’s leading conservative talk-radio host would be sworn in as president of the United States forever.

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