Sorry for the two week absence. I pulled a Rick Williams and was detained by African Authorities until they confirmed that I was not in fact Bob Saget. I did learn that banging an Olson twin isn’t a dream confined to the 57 states we call America.

Let’s skip the foreplay and go directly to the crying and apologies.

1. Chris Johnson is on fire! In the words of my friend, Walker “Don’t Call Me Texas Ranger” – “En Fuego.” If Johnson was an 80s pop star, he’d be a hybrid of Boy George and Wham!

2. When I tell that you Brady Quinn had a career day against the Lions on Sunday – I mean it. He started four games previous to this loss to the Lions and had earned a total of 10 fantasy points. His 28 points on Sunday was a surprise to the 97 percent of fantasy owners who didn’t have him on their roster. He’s also dating an Olympic gymnast, which is weird. I can’t explain why, but it’s just entirely too weird.

3. My Denver Broncos have turned sucking into an art form (shut up with your stupid porno references, losers). Their season has their fans feeling like they took the prom queen home and found out she had a penis. So what do you do? Make the best of what you have. And what you have is Kyle Orton, with a penis. Maybe next year my friends.

4. I couldn’t have laughed harder when the Steelers lost to the Kansas City Casino Owners. Big Ben Rothletsgogetaburger can’t put it together from one week to the next. He’s about as consistent as the UPS guy when you have an ugly chick working at the front desk.

5. I’m happy for Mathew Stafford (like he gives a shit), but his little resurrection for the game winning throw didn’t impress me much. Matt Lienart once took the field without his guyliner on.

6. Who leads all players in fantasy points so far this season? Aaron Rogers. Yeah, I’m not really sure who he is either. I do hear he’s known to spend a lot of time on his back when football players are near – he may in fact be a cheerleader.

7. Vince Young is Vince Young. It’s only a matter of time until Vince Young goes all Vince Young and we question why we were ever fooled by Vince Young. Vince Young.

8. Who are the Ravens? They are fifty something guys who let the great Joe Flacco down every week.

9. Belichick only caught slack for his play call because the fanboys didn’t get to see their guy Brady beat Forehead Manning. The guy wins a Super Bowl every time he dons a hoodie so everybody needs to shut up and avoid looking directly into the Master’s eyes.

10. I don’t care what happens to Charlie Weiss as long as he’s not sitting next to me on the metro on an airplane. Nobody cares about Notre Dame. Screw Rudy and the whole mystique that surrounds your crappy football team. If you’re not playing in the SEC, Big 12 or PAC 10 you don’t count – you’re basically an illegal alien on Election Day.

11. I hate the whining this time of year from asshole fans of asshole schools in asshole conferences. I’m so happy for those of you who went undefeated this year or close to it. Great for you. Now shut up and let the big boys play to see who’s the best team in the nation. Maybe you assholes can tune in and see how real football is played (Yes, I’m looking at you Cincinatti).

12. I told you Larry Johnson was a hemorrhoid.

13. A simple parlay on Thursday should make your Thanksgiving a profitable one. Take the Packers with the spread, the Raiders against the spread and Denver against the spread as well.

15. As for the rest – Vikings, Chargers and Bengals all cover. You’re guess is as good as mine for all the rest.

Sorry I was gone, sorry this was short and I’m sorry you have nothing better to do than read FamousDC during the holiday.