At the start of every New Year, we as Americans pledge to change every ill about ourselves for like a solid four days until we give up and say we’ll try again next year. I mean, who knew eating healthy, working out, getting out of debt, while relieving all the stress in your life could be so difficult? Admittedly, we may go a little too extreme in our resolutions, so we’ve thought of a few easy ones that some of the most famous figures in 2016 should take into consideration. It’s only fair that while they’re telling America how to better itself, we tell them how to better themselves as well.
Donald Trump: Make This Year YUUUGE
You’ve spent a ton of time campaigning, made many suggestions of how you’ll “Make America Great Again” and as of January 20 you’ll be the newest leader of the free world. So get into the White House, prove those that doubted you wrong, and keep your hair stylist on speed dial because this job is a stressful one (just look at Obama’s hair).
Hillary Clinton: Switch to Gmail
It’s fast, it’s easy and you can delete all your emails with just one click of a button.
Bernie Sanders: Stay Away From Balloons
Something about Bernie’s hair makes it look like a little kid just rubbed a balloon over top of it to show how electricity forms. So we’re suggesting he either buys a brush, or stops volunteering at the science fair.
Mike Pence: Avoid 42nd Street
Instead of seeing shows on Broadway, we think that Pence should just wait the extra five years until the shows are remade into movies. This way, he can watch them in peace and quiet with no one else around him and as a bonus, the actors on the screen can’t talk to him personally when the film wraps up.
Barack Obama: Relax
It’s been a long eight years and you’ve got the hair color to prove it. So sit back, relax, spend a little extra time on the beaches of Hawaii and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
Joe Biden: Work on Your Long Distant Relationship
And we’re not talking about your one with Jill. This is going to be a difficult time for you and Barack but you have to keep communicating if you want this bromance to survive. Set aside some Barack time every night to FaceTime him and tell him all the ridiculous things you’ve been jotting down to say to him all day.
Bill Clinton: Subscribe to Netflix
Contrary to your belief, there are better movies out there than the Police Academy series. We suggest you sign up for Netflix and check out all of the great movies they have to offer. Admittedly, the movies on Netflix really aren’t that great, but if you think Police Academy is good, than the movies on there will be life changing for you.
Vladimir Putin: Get a New Washing Machine
We’re not sure what washing machine you’re using, but it seems to be destroying all of your shirts. Not many 64 year old men can go shirtless and just about everyone of them shouldn’t. So look online, go to your nearest market, or have a seamstress custom make you some just please, put a shirt on.
