There’s a lot of buzz about who isn’t at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this week. There are a few former candidates we’re really missing out here, too:
1. Wacka Flocka Flame
The rapper announced his presidential candidacy on 4/20/2015. Nice, dude.
His overarching platform point, shockingly, was to legalize marijuana. This was basically his only platform point. He also wanted to ban dogs inside restaurants, stop people with feet over size 13 from walking on the sidewalk, and teach all schoolchildren his lyrics. Oh, and raise minimum wage. Not bad, President Flame.
2. Deez Nuts
Deez Nuts revolutionized the campaign game last year when a poll showed him pulling 9 percent of the votes from Clinton and Trump. He’s actually a 15-year-old kid from Iowa who has a great sense of humor but is, quite unfortunately, too young to enter the race for real.
According to Wikipedia, which names Deez Nuts as a “politician” (you can’t make this stuff up), “Nuts supports cutting subsidies to oil companies and giving tax incentives to individuals and corporations implementing renewable energy and “green” technology… Nuts has not yet expressed an opinion on nuclear power.”
C’mon, President Nuts. You’ve gotta make a call on nuclear proliferation. It’s the only way you’ll be taken seriously.
3. Vermin Surpreme
This isn’t this boot-wearing politician’s first rodeo. In fact, it’s his seventh. He’s either a performance artist or purely insane, but he supports gifting a pony to every American citizen, mandating tooth brushing, and going back in time to kill baby Hitler (he clearly doesn’t know anything about the Grandfather Paradox).
Although he has a nice hat, he is out of the race for the seventh time. See you in four years, Supreme.
4. Limberbutt McCubbins
This particular candidate pees everywhere and is literally ALWAYS scratching people. He has a ton of hair and it gets all over the house. He sleeps a lot of the day. He is a cat.
When he entered the race, Limberbutt registered as a “Demo-cat,” and his platform was mainly focused on creating world peace. His slogan was “The Time is Meow,” which is pretty clever for a cat who can’t speak English. Unfortunately, he is only five years old in cat years. Ineligible for that reason only!
5. Kanye West
Ye announced his future run for presidency in the 2020 race during the 2015 Video Music Awards. He’s influential, can take down his opponents (re: Taylor Swift), and can speak about himself for more than two hours without stopping. He’s perfect!
