Although he has been called many names over the years — Han Solo, Indiana Jones, President James Marshall, Jack Ryan, Dr. Richard Kimble — Harrison Ford is known as an American patriot who possesses every critical fiber of political swagger one needs to capture the 2016 presidency. In a time where party conventions are just around the corner, and the news is splattered with unbridled insanity stories about private email servers and discriminatory tweets, America is practically begging for another presidential choice for its 45th POTUS. No offense Hillary or Donald, but you ain’t got nothin’ on Harrison Ford.
Here’s a list of our top ten reasons why Ford would make the best candidate for the presidential ticket this fall.
1. He practiced being POTUS in Air Force One.
We all know the presidency requires past job experience, and when your LinkedIn shows POTUS as a previous position, you’re pretty much golden. Enter Harrison Ford. He played President James Marshall in Air Force One, where he famously fought off terrorist plane hijackers. It’s a role that won him accolades from Trump himself, who told the New York Times that he liked movies with heroic presidents, and cited the movie. “My favorite was Harrison Ford on the plane,” said Trump. “I love Harrison Ford — and not just because he rents my properties. He stood up for America.”
2. He starred in Apocalypse Now, which prepared him to face the end of the world.
When Harrison went by the name Colonel Lucas, he was on top of his doomsday prepper game. The future of America is uncertain, so who better than our guy Harrison to take the presidential helm and steer our country in the right direction?
3. He has a proven track record of defeating other-worldly terrorists.
Be they extra-terrestrial, domestic, or international, terrorists can be found anywhere. Harrison Ford has America’s back 100% and touts a proven track record of standing up to the forces of darkness. Don’t believe us? Just check out his IMDb *cough* we mean resume… Star Wars, Indiana Jones — the list goes on, and on, and on.
4. He’s un-insultable because he’s Harrison Ford.
He has always led in public opinion polls and sexiest men alive polls, which makes him popular with Americans. Often praised for his talent and boyish good looks, Harrison has all the right genetics to be POTUS.
5. He cut his teeth narrating nature documentaries, so we know he’s got the right voice.
In recent years, Harrison Ford has been hiding his beautiful face from screens and narrating nature, historical, and aviation documentaries. But we’re not convinced anyone could mistake that deep, husky, manly voice for anyone else when they hear it. It’s both commanding and gentle at the same time. Just what America needs!
6. He would inconspicuously weave movie quotes from past films into presidential speeches, and America would be cool with it.
How does ending every presidential speech with the words, “May the force be with you, and may God bless America” sound? Pretty awesome, we agree. Just think about how that could be the norm with Harrison Ford in the Oval. He’d most certainly recruit famous Hollywood screenwriters to craft his speeches, and address the nation like no president has ever dared to before. Here’s an example of a quote he could recycle from Air Force One that will send chills up your spine.
“The dead remember. Real peace is not just the absence of conflict, it’s the presence of justice. And tonight I come to you with a pledge to change America’s policy. Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons and to those who would use them: your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate, and we will no longer be afraid. It’s your turn to be afraid.”
7. He would make “May the 4th” (Be With You) a National Holiday, like it deserves to be.
Every year, May the 4th rolls around, and every year it is noticeably absent from all mass produced calendars and planners. Observance of this holiday needs to be national, and Han Solo (a.k.a. Harrison Ford) is cognizant of this. It would be one of his first orders of business as president.
8. He needs a job.
*SPOILER ALERT*
Star Wars: The Force Awakens ended with Han confronting Ren, calling him by his birth name, Ben, and pleading with him to abandon the dark side. Instead of leaving darkness, Ren kills his father in a dramatic encounter. So what does this mean for Harrison Ford, you might ask? Due to his fictional character death, it means he’s part of the 5% of Americans who are unemployed.
9. He would equip America’s armed forces with light sabers.
Harrison Ford is a weapons connoisseur with an extensive knowledge and mastery of light sabers, which have only been used on the grounds of Area 51 up until this point. But with Harrison in the White House, they would be found right alongside American armed forces’ war artillery.
Put a bow on that!
