Amelia Bedelia takes D.C.

Ends Up Getting Arrested Multiple Times In an Effort to be the Hill’s Best Intern

D.C. speaks its own language (and it usually sounds like we are practicing the alphabet). Add that to typical (read: painful) office jargon and it can be nearly impossible to understand what anyone is saying. With intern season here, we thought it was a good time to share the story of our friend, Amelia Bedelia, and try to help this summer’s interns avoid multiple arrests, hundreds of dollars in fines, and countless embarrassments.

So, eager little intern, learn from our friend Amelia Bedelia, and never take staff literally (even though it’s probably one of their favorite words).

…

Once upon a time there was an intern named Amelia. She was so eager to impress her boss and earn a coveted staff assistant spot on Capitol Hill that she never once stopped to think about the tasks she was assigned. As a result Amelia:

Was arrested for running up the flagpole of Cannon.

Dropped $200 at the supply store in Longworth trying to buy more bandwidth.

Was arrested again for flashing tourists as she opened the kimono.

Ordered a lasso on Amazon when her LD asked her to loop in more offices.

Racked up $600 in speeding tickets when the press secretary suggested she run the traps on a press release.

Took up yoga after all of the reaching out she was doing.

Embarrassed herself when she showed up to a jam sesh with a PB&J.

Got so dizzy from circling back on her boss’ email that she passed out in the Rayburn Foyer.

Got stuck on the Bay Bridge making a trip to Ocean City to try and help her chief boil the ocean.

Set fire in the intern housing by putting that resolution on the back burner (of the stove).

Was arrested AGAIN for chasing the ducks by the reflecting pool in an effort to get them in a row.

Was lectured by the cops for calling 911 when the LC was not “actually, literally, dying” in that Friday 9:30 AM meeting.

Sent a LinkedIn request to every NFL coach because she desperately wanted to be mentioned in PLAYBOOK.

Took up meditation after her Scheduler asked her repeatedly to take something to Hart.

Started doing 50 squats a day when she saw an email about leg staffers being on the path to success.

Got caught by her boss throwing money on the ground because she heard they were dropping a bill today.

Scoured Yelp! for Veterinarians who could help make the lame duck better.

Rode the elevator for hours trying to guess which floor was “the floor.”

Re-read the entire Harry Potter series to try and earn Cloak Room status.

Ate nothing but Spaghetti O’s in an effort to learn the alphabet soup language everyone spoke of.

Got a reputation for being quite rude after ignoring everyone she saw whenever she was in line to enter Longworth, following her boss’ rule to never talk to a lobbyist or reporter.

Ordered 15 coloring books for the office when all anyone was talking about was the mark up.

Organized her office into teams so they could play Red Rover over Recess.

Spent an hour a week at the Arboretum practicing her Stump Speech.

Went to confession because she felt so guilty about her boss’ plan to kill the bill in committee.

Ordered hearing aids for her boss because she overheard he was never attending the hearings.

Also bought her boss a Kindle after hearing him yell at the press secretary for never getting booked.

We love Amelia’s enthusiasm, but to you new interns, try not to take everything we say seriously. Usually we don’t mean what we say. Usually.

Good luck out there, interns. Make us proud.