At some point, in the seemingly distant future, one of you will become the 2016 Republican nominee for president. I realize that on the list of swing states, Wisconsin may not be your top priority, but don’t be fooled, we are a dedicated group of voters and we boast some pretty important political leaders that could play a role in deciding which of you get the nomination. Ever heard of Paul Ryan from Janesville? He just became Speaker of the House. #NBD

We also have Governor Walker. You may remember him from such political feats as winning three elections in four years, balancing a $3.6 billion budget without raising taxes, and becoming a national conservative hero. (Sure, he’s out of the presidential race, but ya know… he did it for the good of the party because he’s a great guy.)

And don’t forget Reince Priebus, the man with the funny name who is credited with saving the Republican National Committee from utter ruin and humiliation.

But before I start going on and on about all the cool people from Wisconsin (Chris Farley, Georgia O’Keefe, Liberace, Les Paul, Gene Wilder, Frank Lloyd Write, Laura Ingalls, Bob Ueker, Greta Van Susteren…) I want to pass along some friendly advice about how to succeed in the Badger State.

1. Never campaign during a Packer game

The easiest way to lose a vote is to call us during a Packer game. The last thing we want to deal with when we’re watching Aaron Rogers lead us to the Superbowl is some volunteer reading a generic GOTV script, asking us to take a quick survey. Give it a rest for those three sacred hours –your poll numbers will thank you for it.

2. If you’re a fan of any Chicago sports team, don’t let us know about it

Sure, we’re friendly, easy-going, and generally nice people, but we hate da Cubbies and we really hate da Bears. If you’re a Chicago fan of any degree, keep that dirty secret to yourself or don’t bother campaigning here. I’m so serious.

3. We’re politically astute, so don’t underestimate us.

You don’t go through four years of constant elections and come out the other end disengaged, uneducated, and aloof. You may think Middle America is easily misled, but we know what’s going on and we expect to be spoken to like adults. Save that fluffy rhetoric and platitudes for our friends in Chicago. We hear they love those catchy slogans and shallow promises down there.

4. Save your flash for another state

Folks from Wisconsin are (mostly) level-headed, down to earth, and authentic. We don’t appreciate political gimmicks, so save the horse-and-pony show for another state. Mr. Trump, I’m lookin’ at you.

5. We never forget who we are, and neither should you

Wisconsinites are simultaneously the salt of the earth and the icing on your kringle. We’re proud of who we are, where we come from, and the things we do. (Except for Segway Boy… we’re happy to give him away to anyone who will take him.) We want a genuine candidate who isn’t afraid to be who they are. So if you’re a loud mouth billionaire with trashy hair, own it. If you’re at least 50 pounds overweight but can’t give up the cheese and beer, we understand and will celebrate your good taste. If your go-to casual get-up consists of an outdated sweater vest, we will ask if you got it for a dollar at Kohl’s, and if you are a boring, unqualified candidate without a clue how to fix our country, we probably won’t vote for you, but hey… just do you.

6. If you want Wisconsin Republicans to care about you, impress Mark Belling

Wisconsin conservatives love talk radio, and in the hierarchy of hosts, Mark Belling reigns with a sharp tongue. If your communications people aren’t aware of this already, get a new communications staff immediately. Want to edge your competition? Go hang out for a few hours at Victor’s on Van Buren, known hangout of Mr. Belling. You can’t miss the place… it sits right next to a giant mural of Donald Trump’s hair.

So, to the GOP hopefuls of 2016, enjoy your time in Wisconsin. There’s no better reflection of the heart of the nation than right here in America’s Dairyland. Have a beer, eat some cheese curds, and cheer on the Green and Gold with your new best friends, because we’re a lot more important in national politics than you may think, dontcha know?