If snow were happening a week from today instead of right now, we think its surrounding hype would be better than the usual talking points, buzzwords, drinking games, prefabricated hashtags and the like.
Here’s what would happen.
1. First outdoor State of the Union address
“Tonight, thanks to the hard work of the American people,” President Obama says, “I can report that our country is doing better than — actually, wait a second. Does anyone else want to do this outside? In the snow?”
Most folks in Congress and their guests nod, and the whole gang marches out into the night, working together on West Front to make a semicircle of snow chairs that is a snow sculpture version of the U.S. House chamber. This results the most bipartisanship the country has seen in years.
2. Tradition of decorum broken by a snowball fight
“And because of the policies we’ve put in place since November-” the President pauses, turning and looking behind. Vice President Joe Biden has snow all over his face. The President smiles. This sparks a wide grin from Biden as he hurls one at the President. Snowballs fly in all directions in the chamber.
3. Majority and Minority leaders hand out hot chocolate before the address begins
No report on whether accompanying marshmallows are shaped like donkeys, elephants or bald eagles.
4. Responses to State of the Union unfocused
“America recognizes that what the President said remains– hey, are you seeing this? Do you see how high the snow is right outside this window? Look at this ruler!”
5. Traditional applause muffled by gloves, so clappers employed instead
SOTU branded applause clappers handed out as guests enter the chamber. Initially, whistles were considered for this purpose but ultimately the AOC did not want a vuvuzela situation on their hands. These turn out to be almost as valuable as boxes of White House M&M’s.
6. Congress drafts a document lifting the sledding ban on the Capitol lawn
Just as happened years ago, the US Congress comes together to allow kids the chance to ride the Capitol wave. Inspired by a spirit of cooperation in being forced to sit in the same room with one another, they pen an agreement to lift the ban on sledding on the actual Capitol’s hill as the #SnowlarVortex rages in full force. While no formal documentation is necessary, the President signs it, not wanting to miss an historic moment.
7. Ice luges (for shots) built by staff
In the shadow of the U.S. Capitol, bartenders and patrons alike work to build ice luges meant to deliver shots outside of neighborhood Hill bars. It’s cold, it’s snowing, and politicos everywhere get cabin fever staying in just one place. This is way better than your usual, “I heard ‘healthcare.’ Drink!”
8. Vice President Joe Biden makes everyone sandwiches
The VP went to Costco earlier that day and bought all the supplies necessary to make Philly style sandwiches. When a staffer nudges him to let him know he bought an entire warehouse’s worth of ingredients, he takes orders before the address begins.
9. Interns’ fingers too frigid to humblebrag about standing within a mile of SOTU
Wouldn’t that be nice?
10. Supreme Court Justices make snow angels
Their long robes deemed the perfect attire for creating ideal snow angel shapes. They are cold, but cannot be dissuaded from their noble task.