I am so sick and tired of explaining myself to my other, less important friends.
#DCWeatherPanic — There’s something about weather and D.C. residents that just doesn’t mix. OMG it’s going to snow 30 inches!!! OMG tornados are on the loose! Derecho! Nor’easter! The sad thing is, none of these things ever happen.
Rallying at the White House — Not sure why we ever find the need to do this, seeing as though there’s no possible way Obama will look out his window, see us and then decide to take action, but it’s pretty fun. Osama died? Let’s climb poles, take our clothes off, and dance. Your candidate won reelection? Sure, why not, let’s go pour champagne on ourselves outside Obama’s bedroom.
D.C. — No, it’s not a city, it’s a District, it’s not a state, it’s a freakin’ District. Taxation without representation: something so awful we include it on our license plates. Unsure why this happened. Also, include the periods after the D and after the C. We all have a friend who didn’t get what you meant when you said “District of Columbia,” so don’t lie.
“Where you at?” — I’m in Maryland. I’m in NoVa. Why the heck are you in another state? Ah, cool it kiddos, these places are only a mile or two away from downtown D.C. However, they feel like they are lightyears away. (Sorry, but we are so anti-MD and anti-VA here. Why live somewhere where you don’t work?!)
The Mall — No, you don’t tell your parents you want to go shopping here. Wait…you can picnic here? You can go run here? Someone got proposed on the Mall? What the hell?!?!
BikeShare — Pay a lot of money, ride a bike. The sight of a woman in a nice dress biking on a big red thing clown bike with a bell down 16th Ave? Unsure of our thoughts. Moving on.
Airports — Flying into Dulles or Reagan. For the love of God, DO NOT fly into Dulles, I refuse to pick you up. Reagan is at least situated on a metro line. You’re welcome.
Resume — It is STACKED. It has to be if you live in the Nation’s Capital. If you went to college here, you interned every semester. By the time I graduated I had 8 internships under my belt. Beat that, suckers.
Politics — You knew this was coming. Did I hear the breaking news about XYZ on the Hill? Yeah, 3 weeks ago buddy. Did you know that place where Frank Underwood ate?…I am Frank Underwood.
Twitter Fights — How many retweets can I get? Gotta be the snarkiest here. Did I tweet it first? I’ve heard you can get a job if you can do social media right. But if you do it wrong (CC #Weinergate), you are screwed.
Rent — Yo, other cities, just stop competing for this title. YOU PAY ALL YOUR WHOLE SALARY TO LIVE IN THIS FORSAKEN TOWN. At least you can get anywhere quickly… Right…
Spotted — Seeing a senator or journalist at dinner is pretty damn cool. Slips out iPhone. Take pictures of the Capitol with a cheesy caption, even though you pass it everyday.
Loving to hate this city, but knowing this is actually one of the best cities on the world. Sorry, ‘Districts.’ #WONK
Featured photo by: Kevin Wolf