Fellow Americans, it has been four years since our last election. In those four years our country has experienced great highs; the death of the Osama bin Laden, the premiere of Glee, the rollout of the new Congress.gov and the Nats making it into playoffs. But we have also experienced the lowest of lows; the Salahi divorce, NFL replacement officials, the closing of the Hawk and Dove, Cap Lounge burning down [again] and Metro’s continued single tracking.
As November approaches, we’re often reminded that nothing is more vital to the future of our country than who we elect into office. So while the campaign rhetoric heats up these next few weeks, ask yourself: Are politicians really the best suited to straighten out our country? Or can we do better? What if instead of electing politicians, we allowed the Fourth Estate to run the country? The people who know more about the political process than those actually running for office.
Without further ado, we present to you the 2012 FamousDC Media Ticket:
President: Rick Klein, ABC News
President-elect Klein has the Ivy League pedigree that Americans expect in the Oval Office. And he will be elected into office based on his simple promise to America: baseball card designs should go back to the simpler designs of the 80s. Instead of ruling the country by following polls and listening to cable news pundits, President Klein will base all economic decisions on the monthly prices published in the Beckett magazine. A father of two and a supporter of the arts, he will lead America back to greatness. The United States of America can be Topps again and our potential will finally reach the Upper Deck.
President Klein is a Yankees fan. Yankees win. Winner.
Vice President: Neda Semnani, Roll Call
We need a Vice Presidential candidate who will shatter the glass ceiling – and do it with a little flair. Vice President Semnani is exactly that person. As we’ve seen with the current Administration, a Vice President needs to show up on occasion and always have a great sense of humor. The United States could use a Vice President who will mix it up. Let’s move from washing old Camaros in the parking lot to someone who can share the latest scoop from Café Milano while discussing international politics in Iran. And yes, tattoos are a good thing in this Administration, especially writing tattoos.
Chief of Staff: Chris Frates, National Journal
COS Frates’ prior experience with POLITICO and his work today with National Journal have him fully equipped and ready to take on the Chief of Staff position in the White House. His coverage of influence and lobbying in Washington have enabled him to be one of the most well-connected to K Street from within the press corps. His weekly lunches at Tosca and BLT will include the boldest of bold names from K Street. Although running the country will be of the utmost importance, fundraising never stops. The annual “Frates Mullet Toss” fundraiser at the American Legion on Capitol Hill will turn into a black tie affair that will unite celebrities and philanthropists from across the world. And anyone who navigated Obamacare for Politico can run a White House.
White House Press Secretary: Chris Cillizza, Washington Post
This dude can flat out tweet. Seriously.
Chris Cillizza can tweet like Michael Jordan with the flu.
We need that kind of action in the next Administration. Curious about the budget vote in the House? Concerned with how President Klein will respond to the ongoing crisis in the Middle East? Press Secretary Cillizza will email you 650 words before he ever hits the podium and then will LIVE TWEET HIS OWN PRESS CONFERENCE.
No more secret meetings at the coffee shops near 1600 Penn Ave. All reporters can reach Press Secretary Cillizza at the Capitol Lounge during his monthly Politics & Pints event.
Social Secretary: Marin Cogan, GQ
Who better to lead America to its social glory than Marin Cogan? Her experience covering the intersection of politics and who’s who make her the ultimate gatekeeper for the hottest guest lists, chance meetings, seatings and blow out parties. Previously at POLITICO and now working at GQ, she knows this city’s politics better than most while still adding a bit of fun and style. Cogan decides who’s in and who’s out, but the stakes are much higher than your average RSVP.
Secretary of State: Jake Tapper, ABC News
Can you think of a better representative for the United States across the world than Mr. Tapper? From his days with The Washington City Paper, Jake has shown he can roll up his sleeves and chase even the smaller leads to break news. Rocking a pocket square in Tiananmen Square, Secretary Tapper will create a worldwide style revolution in which school kids start wearing pocket squares with their uniforms. Simply known as “Tappering” the price of pocket squares will skyrocket causing J-Crew and Common Wealth Proper stock prices to surpass Apple. Plus, he’s currently writing an Afghanistan tell all.
Secretary of Defense: Josh Rogin, Foreign Policy
Do you understand how much this man knows about defense issues? Issues he can explain to you in JAPANESE. This cabinet spot is a no brainer.
Attorney General: Ta-Nehisi Coates, The Atlantic
The office of the Attorney General is a serious gig and you need a serious reporter to lead it. Ta-Shia doesn’t let anyone slide by while trying to pull a fast one. Usually square in President Obama’s corner, Coates didn’t let him slide a bit following the firing of Shirley Sherrod.
Secretary of the Treasury: Jim Vandehei, POLITICO
Because we’re pretty sure he prints money. His first act as Secretary of the Treasury would be to make the “Discount Double Check” free under the E-Z Filing System.
His second act would be to make Mike Allen’s Playbook mandatory reading for all Americans.
Secretary of the Interior: Reid Wilson, Hotline
We have no idea what this Cabinet member is tasked with, but if there’s anybody we want on the inside, it’s Reid Wilson. You need #HotlineSort Tweets by 6 am? Then Reid is your man. On the inside.
Anyone who has a collection of Cosby sweaters as thorough as Reid’s has confidence. The Interior Department needs that type of leadership.
Secretary of Agriculture: Perry Bacon Jr., MSNBC
Secretary Bacon is only one of two nominees included in the same position on the 2008 ticket.
But we can’t help it.
“Secretary BLT” is just too damn good to pass up.
Secretary Bacon is from Kentucky and will have the power to help farmers in this position. Crop insurance? Forget it. All farmers are getting barrels of Kentucky Bourbon.
Rain got you down? Worried about your harvest? Let’s just come inside and have a drink from that barrel of bourbon that Secretary BLT sent us. We can worry about the farm tomorrow.
Secretary of Commerce: Brody Mullins, Wall Street Journal
With all of the new digital communications tools and social media changing the way we interact, many observers believe that American’s attention spans have shortened to that of an insect. We read emails while watching Tweetdeck and comment on Facebook photos as we’re driving home from work. The Department of Commerce needs a leader who doesn’t waste any time on the internets or Facespace and Brody Mullins is just that man. With his experience covering the crossroads of public policy and Wall Street, Secretary Mullins will get our country’s economic train back on track.
PLUS, America gets Brody’s drinking buddy, Paul Kane, as a package deal at the Department of Commerce. Two for the price of one. See, Commerce is already making life better.
Secretary of Labor: Dave Weigel, MSNBC & Slate Magazine
When we think of labor, we think of work. And when we think of work, we think of Dave Weigel. Have you ever seen this man asleep? Does he sleep? He is always working and always tweeting. We’re not entirely convinced that he isn’t a cyborg, but as Presidential Nominee Klein told a crowd in Iowa earlier this year, “This Administration will not discriminate against cyborgs.”
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Clinton Yates, Washington Post Express
In charge of overseeing the welfare of the people, Clinton Yates is a natural pick for his love of this city and you know he will turn some of the insider stories of the administration into the must-read tweet chats he is so well known for. Putting his time in at Express has allowed Yates to have an ear to the ground and a pulse on the community. He knows just what the people need. Not to mention he may help push earmarks for Metro staying open late for the Nats games.
Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: John Stanton, Buzz Feed
Do you know what drives urban development? LOLcats and “10 pictures of how No Doubt rocked the 90s.”
Look it up. We only deal with facts here at FamousDC.
With today’s uncertain times, we need an all-American bad ass running the Department of Housing and Urban development and cracking down on no-good Bamas trying to wreak havoc in our society. Plus, who can say no to a man with a skull ring?
Friends, Secretary Stanton is a man who got hit by a car and scared the car away. Ya HUD bamas better get ready.
Secretary of Transportation: Jackie Kucinich, USA Today
Nobody knows planes, trains and automobiles like Jackie Kucinich who spends nearly all of her time on the road covering the election beat. Secretary Kucinich’s first act will be to ensure that all Amtrak cars (even the quiet car) are fully stocked with Diet Cokes.
Secretary of Energy: Shawna Thomas, NBC News
If there’s one person with energy, it’s Shawna Thomas. We have no idea how she keeps up with work, Twitter and having fun, but there’s nobody more qualified than tackling our Nation’s energy policy than Secretary Thomas.
Secretary of Education: Luke Russert, NBC News
Education is important and we need to focus on the youth. America can, and will only be, as strong as our next generation. With that in mind, our Administration has selected one of the youngest Secretaries of Education in our country’s history, Luke Russert.
Sir Luke has been sweating it out in the streets of a runaway American dream since 1985. We need that sweat working in the halls of the Department of Education.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs: Major Garrett, National Journal
His name demands respect. When the Major tells you to do something, you do it.
Major is the veteran of veterans: experience as a wire reporter, TV correspondent and a magazine writer. Plus, he’s a Bourbon expert.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Emily Miller, Washington Times
Ms. Miller has a license to carry a gun and she knows how to use it. She also don’t take no sh*t from nobody.
Director of National Drug Control Policy: Ryan Grim, Huffington Post
Secretary Grim wrote the book on drugs in America. Seriously. He literally wrote a book about our country’s past drug use. Should you workout the day after you eat shrooms? After your afternoon smoke, should you have almonds for a snack or gobble down an entire pizza? These are questions from Americans that demand answers and the attention of Secretary Grim. His annual Eastern Shore planning retreats will leave us all longing for the days of GSA-level spending. The three day festival will include music from the John Butler Trio, Widespread Panic and that Tupac hologram thing. And finally, to follow-up on a campaign promise, his first act will be to move Burning Man to the National Mall.
Commissioner of the Social Security Administration: Wolf Blitzer, CNN
Do we really need to explain why? We love Wolf. Wolf loves the Early Bird specials. And he loves baseball. And he rocks hipster sunglasses. Don’t social security, hipster sunglasses and baseball go together? #Natitude
Director of National Intelligence: Shane Harris, Washingtonian
Nobody has a better beat on the intelligence community. Harris literally wrote the book on intelligence.
There you have it folks … Klein/Semnani 2012: Get Some