It’s the final fantasy football rant of the year and I’m as excited to see this crap come to an end as you are. It’s hard on a guy sucking this bad at something week in and week out, just ask the Redskins.After a long season of bad Chris Berman impressions, cheap shots at people with disabilities, and tasteless jokes about Chaz Bono, I need a break. Like NFL players I will be going on a vacation before I have to start training for next year. I’ve booked an entire week at a motor lodge in Manassas hoping Anthony Bourdain will pop into my exotic location and ask me what I like to eat. What? You don’t think Manassas is exotic? How many people do you know who have vacationed there? Zero? Exactly my point – it’s quite an exclusive spot.
I’ll comply with your cries for mercy and get this boat on the road…
1. Last week I didn’t take a bet on the Broncos – Chiefs showdown in Denver because I have journalistic integrity. I should have ignored that integrity and taken the bet because I just knew Tebow would go all Tebow and give the game away – which he did.
Kyle Orton didn’t light the place on fire, but what do you expect from Captain Neckbeard? He’s Kyle Orton, not Bernie Kosar for God’s sake. It was a great day for Orton: he didn’t lose and nobody pulled his underwear up his butt.
The problem is that the Broncos made it into the playoffs and the Tebowlievers out there still aren’t convinced of his complete lack of skill at the quarterback position. It will take Big Ben Rothletsgogetaburger and friends to settle this whole thing and I suspect they will do so rather aggressively.
We’ll let Freddie Mercury take us out of the Tebow era…
Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body’s aching all the time
Goodbye everybody – I’ve got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo – (anyway the wind blows)
I don’t want to be benched
I sometimes wish I’d never been drafted at all
2. That song is now stuck in your head and soon scenes from Wayne’s World will be too. Whatever happened to Tia Carrere? Hottest Filipino giant I’ve ever seen. You can send hate mail to [email protected], but you knew this was coming and you continued to read anyhow.3. So this Flynn kid spent the last three years hauling jockstraps around the Packers locker room and comes out of nowhere to put up probably one of the top five games of this NFL season and the single best performance by a Packers quarterback in the history of that team. Well… he didn’t come out of nowhere per se. Back in 2010 he put up three TDs on Tom Brady’s Badass Nobodies and almost beat them… in their house. The guy I was playing knew this because he did something called “research” and started the son of a bitch. I taunted my opponent unmercifully until about touchdown number three where I just gave up and started weeping uncontrollably. Get rid of the fumble and the INT and this guy would have basically set the benchmark for the best game ever played from that position in the NFL.
Somebody is going to sign a big fat contract soon and he looks a lot like Matt Flynn. Cheers to the LSU quarterback that might actually pan out for once. He can wipe the tears away with $100s bill after his Tigers get mauled by ‘Bama.
4. Great game Mr. Matthew Stafford. However, you’ve seen the best… actually you saw the best’s backup quarterback and you still lost. Not you, nor M&M, nor those catchy Dodge commercials can save Detroit. Your consolation prize is Matt Ryan-like career obscurity – good quarterback, bad city/team and nobody will know your name when you’re gone. Remember Dan Fouts? Yeah, me neither. Fouts is Stafford circa 2016.
5. Maurice Jones-Drew can hang his hat on the rushing title all he wants, but in the only stat that counts he was third. Ray Rice and Beans led all backs in fantasy points and he was followed up by LeSean “Capitalization Isn’t Needed for Emphasis” McCoy and Jones-Drew was third.
How bad of a season was it for RBs? Fred Jackson hasn’t played since Bachmann was in double digits in Iowa and he finished the season in the top 15.
6. The Patriots did something I’ve never witnessed before – put two tight ends to double digit fantasy points in the same game. Gronkowski and Tony Gonzalez Jr. (yes I’m making an ethnic joke there – hate mail goes to [email protected], just don’t pretend you didn’t get it) had a combined score of 43 points! That’s 22 and 21 points respectively. Holy shit – I know. Too bad you can only start one.
7. Speaking of fat white guys who can run and catch… Who was the fairest of them all this year? Rob Gronkowski of course. He’s followed by a Sleeper of the Year candidate Jimmy Graham, Tony Gonzalez Jr. in third and Tony Gonzalez Sr. in fourth. If you’re reading that correctly, Tom Brady had two of the top three tight ends on his team this year.
8. I gave you several names last week to plug in where starting quarterbacks might be sitting. It should be noted that I didn’t say squat about Matt Flynn. Here’s how my picks did:
Carson Palmer: Had 22 fantasy points and was sixth overall last week. I’m awesome, now go tell people.
Dan Orlovsky: He had eight fantasy points… could have been worse… could have been seven.
Josh McCown: Put up 11 fantasy points, which isn’t bad since he was sacked on every snap.
Kyle Orton: looks like he had seven fantasy points… shit… it got worse.
9. This fantasy rant is not nearly as funny as we’d all hoped for.
10. Top receiver this year overall was Calvin “and Hobbes” Johnson who barely beat Rob Gronkowski (you might remember him as the tight end I won’t shut up about). Jordy Nelson leapfrogged Wes Welker (which was easy since he’s a midget) for second, Victor Cruz and Larry Fitzgerald round out the top five.
11. Circling the drain here… not sure why anyone is still reading.
12. The top RB this year was only as good as the sixth best QB (Lesser Manning) and you’re still going to draft nine straight RBs next year, aren’t you? Top of the list was Rogers, Brees (too many INTs otherwise he’d be the champ), Brady (limited by only having two tight ends on the field at any one time), Newton and Stafford.
13. The top kicker was… who the fuck cares? They are kickers – glorified soccer players who bring their talent for a really unpopular and crappy game to a very popular awesome one. And they aren’t “ambassadors” from soccer to football as some people claim since that would mean they are accepted and welcome. They’re more like U.N. weapons inspectors – they’re required to be there and you do your best to ignore them.
14. I may have just made an Iraq joke. Too soon?
15. You want to hear an insensitive joke about sexual orientation and the San Francisco 49ers? Too bad. Why did the 49ers have the best defense in the NFL this year? Because they couldn’t wait to get their hands on all those sexy quarterbacks.
16. What happened to the Jets couldn’t have happened to a better a group of guys. How about Santonio Holmes showing Tomlinson how a fit is thrown? You don’t just sit there on the bench with your hat on for the rest of the game, you yell at some MFers and then storm off and sit there like baby while your fat coach waddles up and down the sideline mulling the old saying “don’t’ let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass.”
T.O. and Randy Moss couldn’t be reached for comment.
17. How about them Cowboys? That made you feel good, didn’t it.
18. If you don’t have Rogers vs. Brady in the big game, you’re an idiot.
19. Thank you, see you next year.
20. I’ll be launching a blog shortly and it’s not about sports (fantasy rant stays here forever). You will hate it, but you will read it. Stay tuned for further instructions.