I must start with an apology to all of you who flipped out last week thinking your playoffs had started. I was focusing on one of my leagues with a more extensive than usual playoff period. For those of you who read my rant, cut all of your players to the waiver wire and sent your entire league a picture of yourself mooning the camera with caption “good luck assholes,” I’m sorry – you had one more game left to make the playoffs. My bad.1. It’s pretty much over for the Redskins this season and that’s a bummer. However, watching the Cowboys lose to the Cardinals due to their own coach icing their own kicker does take a little bit of the pain away. Skins fans get to put their Giants and Eagles hats on over the next few weeks as their new favorite team becomes “whoever is playing the Cowboys.”
2. Fred Davis – really? We saw this show already and it starred Ricky Williams. When the NFL encouraged you to “get on the bus,” they didn’t mean with George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic. Jesus, man… pull it together. What would Tim Tebow think of your actions?
3. Cam Newton is the new fantasy juggernaut and likely a solid first rounder in next year’s fantasy draft. He’s only 39 points behind Aaron Rogers and that’s mainly due to the fact he’s thrown a shitload of interceptions (shitload = 14). Take away his Favre moments and he’s the top fantasy earner. Now you just have to forgive me for telling you not to start him the first five games of the season when I was convinced he was a fluke.
4. Shonn “One of Those Ns is Silent and Thus Not Necessary” Greene may have blown up your bench this week with 28 points on three TDs. You might remember his last notable performance form week five when he put up a whopping 14 points. Hence the reason he was riding the pine with all the other New Jersey Jet underachievers.
5. I wish the Giants would pick one receiver and stick with him. Last week it was Cruz, this week it was Nicks and that’s been the trend all season long. I can’t start two Giants receivers every game because Lesser Manning can’t make up his mind.
6. If I told you that starting Joe Flacco every game this season would have only yielded one solitary fantasy point more than starting the Ravens D, would you believe me? You should. It just proves that defenses win games and Joe Flacco gives them plenty of time to do their deal.
7. If you’re ever having a bad day or just think your life sucks – think of Kyle Orton. Your life can’t be that bad. His career in Kansas Shitty may have only lasted one play. It just goes to show that if you aren’t good with God, he’ll send his son to replace you and break your stupid finger.
8. I love Brett Favre rumors. And I’m not ashamed to say it.
9. If your name is Donovan McNabb, you must be really wrestling with the fact that the Bears would rather take their chances with Caleb Hanie than you. This is the same Bears club that once put their playoff hopes in Rex Grossman’s hands against the advice of everyone on the planet. Adding insult to injury, the team that dropped McNabb replaced him with a guy named after a spice. Minnesota picked up Sage Rosenfels after realizing they hadn’t met their shitty quarterback quota for the year.
10. Dan Orlovsky is not a hockey player. He’s the Colts quarterback that was 30 of 37 for 353 yards and a touchdown on Sunday against the Patriots. I doubt you were neither hurt nor helped by this 20 fantasy points, I just thought it was interesting.
11. Rob Gronkowski does two things in life that I admire:
1. Carries Wes Welker around in a baby bjorn.
2. Catches touchdowns.
Sadly, only one of those things earns fantasy points.
12. The good news for Ndamukong Suh is that when it he stomps on it, nobody gets hurt. How many of you are thinking that he’s about to suffer an epic implosion?
13. Shit just got real in Houston – Jeff Garcia was signed as the third in line behind the toddler named “T.J.” and Jake “I’ve Played for Every Team Twice” Delhomme. Garcia, as you know, is 65 years-old and was a phenom in Canada at one point… which means he was a quality backup in America in 1999. Andy Dalton, rookie Bengals quarterback and Chairman of the Freakishly Red Hair Club for Men, was excited to hear a fellow ginger top was back in the NFL. Dalton said, “there’s not a lot of opportunities for guys like us save for auditions for transgender versions of Annie that have failed to shed their ‘off Broadway’ status, so this is good.” Asked if he thought the sexagenarian Garcia might be graying in his old age and losing red hair cred, Dalton responded, “with us, the curtains will always match the drapes and those curtains never fade.”
14. Sorry about #13. I was really trying to avoid a post about the probability of T.O. signing with the Texans as well and spending the rest of the season on the bench playing a one-sided game of “do you know how I know you’re gay?” with Garcia.
15. Looks like the Broncos are pretty much a lock for the playoffs given their schedule as compared to the recently hapless Raiders. Prepare for the onslaught of Tebow montages. Read John 3:16 and tell me you aren’t a little freaked out. In a hundred years from now people will not exclaim “Jesus Christ!” in anger or frustration, they’ll scream “Tim Tebow!” For example “Tim Fucking Tebow it’s cold outside.” Or “Tim Tebow she’s got a nice ass.” Get ready to meet a lot of Latinos named “Tim.”
16. I had doubts about Texas A&M joining the SEC, but after they fired their coach for losing to Texas, I think they’re prime SEC material. And don’t believe for a second they fired him for any other reason that the fact that he lost to Texas on their final meeting (for a while) on their home field. Being fired was about the nicest thing they had lined up for him as the final seconds ticked off the clock. I have no doubt there were at least a couple jets fueled up at the airport ready to drop Mike Sherman off somewhere in the Gobi desert with nothing but a can of Vienna sausages and a pair of safety scissors to survive on after that game.
I hear that’s about par for the course in the SEC, where rivalries mean jobs and jobs mean beating rivals. Besides, the SEC was in dire need of a maroon colored team.
17. You may now commence participating in the playoffs – for reals this time.