It’s Thanksgiving week so we’re going to be short. This will be the Wes Welker of fantasy rants.
Good luck to all of you who have something to play for in the last week before the traditional playoffs start. I will be finishing my season in the Canadian Football League. That’s what we call the losers bracket around here.
Set – Hut:
1. Dammit to hell Tebow… you just won’t go away. I don’t get how one guy sucks for an entire game – every game – and then in the last two minutes he turns into a completely different person.
Things are getting way out of hand with this Tebow crap. A little family of chinchilla ranchers in Mexico found the image of Tim Tebow lightly burned onto a tortilla yesterday. You’ve got to be shitting me.
I must say the game-opening play call was pretty astonishing. That 30-yard pass was so unexpected it reminded me of the first time I heard Mike Tyson speak. What the furry pickles was that shit? The only shock/confusion to outweigh my own was that of the Jets’ secondary as they watched Jesus boy’s pass sail over their heads. It was as if they did a “where are they now” update for late 80’s sitcoms and they opened with Corky assisting Doogie on an appendectomy. Who saw that coming?
2. The Bills lost to the Dolphins in the epic battle between land mammals and marine mammals. Tell me again about how great the Bills are? The entire Bills team combined had 35 total fantasy points! Not too shabby considering they put up 27 fantasy points as a team the week before. The top earner this week was their kicker and he had eight (read: 8, ocho, 9-1) fantasy points. They are terrible.
3. Somebody needs to tell the Ravens that the Bengals are a shitty team led by a quarterback young enough to be Ray Lewis’ kid and that they have no business hanging around in the fourth quarter with a chance to win. Non-shitty teams with fully grown quarterbacks will hand you your ass in the playoffs with that kind of behavior.
4. Fantasy Fact #1 – Defenses in double digits number eight this week. The Dolphins and Patriots both had 19 points and were coming off of their first double digit games last week.
5. Brett Favre Award – This is award is given to the quarterback who spent Sunday running around like a head with its chicken cut off throwing interceptions and TDs like they want to hold the record for both. The only problem is that I have two candidates this week and it comes down to what’s more Brett Favre. Is it throwing the ball to the other team four times and losing? Or, is it throwing the ball to the other team three times and winning? The two finalists are Cam Newton and Vince Young and I have to go with VY because his game-winning pass left me thinking what Favre left me thinking many times: “I can’t believe he just did that.”
Newton is no turkey here – he turned the ball over four times but managed three touchdowns and 24 fantasy points. This guy is all over the place and if he didn’t have great fantasy numbers, we’d be calling for his head. It’s amazing how a couple dozen fantasy points can take the sting out of 2-8 season.
6. So a guy named Kevin Smith had 38 fantasy points this week and I know what you’re thinking – “this jackass is going to make a joke about the big fat white movie guy who did Clerks.” Lucky for us both, I’m not that predictable. The interesting part of Smith’s performance is that in the ESPN fantasy juggernaut, he was owned by a whopping 0.7 percent of fantasy owners. Literally this guy came out of nowhere (Detroit is “nowhere,” right?) and put the ball in the end zone three times and rushed for more than 100 yards. He was the top the fantasy earner and nobody owned him, which mean nobody started him. Although, I’m sure somewhere someone did start him for God knows what reason and they’re acting like they’re the Fantasy Football Ms. Cleo today. F that guy.
7. My infant daughter put together her first sentence this past Sunday and it was actually a question. “Are you fucking kidding me, Chris Johnson?” My wife didn’t seem to care that I thought the question was indeed appropriate and topical given the events of the day.
8. Rex Grossman and the Redskins almost pulled it off. Not that you’d care because you wouldn’t start him if he was the last quarterback on earth, but Grossman had 24 fantasy points. Get Fred Davis a blog and we won’t even miss Cooley come next September.
9. Running back round up – the names you know.
Cedric Benson – took time off from face-punching people in Austin to finally put up some good numbers.
Ray Rice and Beans – Plays well when allowed to have the ball. Might want to change his end zone celebration because it too closely mimics all the other double-bicep poses from around the league.
Reggie Bush – playing more like the Reggie we happily leave undrafted each year.
LeGarrette “Capitalization Is Not Needed for Emphasis” Blount – it’s a little late to start playing now for a team nobody cares about.
Michael Bush – Darren McFadden who?
Adrian Peterson – why you haven’t faked an injury to escape the sinking ship that is the Vikings season before now is beyond me. Just stay down. Don’t get up.
Matt Forte – consider this week a mini-vacation.
10. Jordy Nelson is pretty fly for a white guy. Although, we know how things would turn out if he did Dancing with the Stars, right?
11. Go Razorbacks!
12. Remember to have your teams ready for the Thursday games. As in, set those lineups now. Having your “oh shit” moment while digging into turkey across the table from your in-laws is not advisable. Wives aren’t always the most forgiving this time of year.