**Friends, we love DC. We really do. Remember, this is satire. **

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[Originally published on April 24, 2008]

Since it’s spring and soon it will be summer, I figured I’d put together a little guide for tourists coming to the area. This should serve as a document of direction to help all of you get along while you are in DC visiting us.

Let it also be noted that we know you are a cheap son of a bitch… everything in DC is FREE. We don’t get one dime from your visit, just a lot of headaches. Just remember that when you are f**king up my day this spring.

Without further commentary…

Section I – Curfew

Article A – You are to never under any circumstances to leave your hotel and travel anywhere in or near the city before 9:30 a.m. This is what we call “rush hour,” it’s a little party where everybody wears a suit and brings their middle finger to share, and you’re not invited. There is no reason for you to be in the city before this time, you can not park anywhere until after 9 anyhow. And don’t try to subvert this rule and leave at six in the morning. There is still no parking on the street (and we know you’re too cheap to pay for a garage).

And yes, even walking around in the city at 9 a.m. is unacceptable. Why, you ask? The one traffic light in your hometown has not prepared you to cross intersections using the flashing hand and “walk” sign properly.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : More than likely you’ll be hit by a bike messenger for crossing at the wrong time, although city buses have been known to whack a few tourists.

Article B – You are to be off of the streets from 11:30 a.m. until 1:30 p.m. You walk way too slow while others of us, who aren’t on vacation, have places to go. Please find a museum or monument to hide in for this period of time. It is also acceptable to be on Capitol Hill bothering your elected representatives at this time. Even if you wanted to eat at this time you could not eat at 95% of the “sit down” places in DC, they require a reservation. Don’t go to subway either, union workers love this place and will stick a bull horn up your ass if you can’t decide whether you want a vegi delight or a meatball sub.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Nothing really except maybe getting yelled at by busy people for walking too slowly, or you might go hungry.

Article C – Your are to be back at your hotel by 4:30 p.m. This starts the second part of our daily “rush hour” party. Under no circumstances should you even attempt to travel by any means when 1.2 million people are on the move. The fact that you know three alternate routes to the Cracker Barrel in your hometown of Florence, Alabama does in no way prepare you for the kind of carnage that 5 p.m. traffic brings in a big city. Many people who have lived in DC for ten years still will not attempt to drive in traffic, and neither should you. Your Winnebago and your chain smoking wife are not the best tools for downtown DC rush hour traffic. Go to the hotel and take a nap.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Your children will hear language and see gestures directed at you that they will surely use on the very first day of school when they return home… warranting a visit from Child Protective Services.

Section II – Behavior in Public

Article A – Do not talk to people on the metro (metro is short for metro rail or subway). If you are traveling in accordance to both Article A and C in Section I, then you should have not problem following this rule since there will only be other tourists on the train. If you are in violation of the aforementioned articles you will make an entire train of people uncomfortable. When a person, such as I, is traveling in a crowded metro car I want to quietly read my paper and periodically look about to make sure nobody knows I’m the one passing gas. I do not wish to speak to you. If you catch me passing gas, the proper thing to do is scowl quietly at me. Do not alert other passengers to my breach of proper manners. Only crazy people like my mother talk on trains. Your goal is to not be considered crazy.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Very dirty looks, or a long drawn out conversation where a well dressed bag lady will tell you about her personal hygiene problems.

Article B – Never talk to DC police. They don’t give directions, tickets or a shit about your problems. Nobody in DC knows what they do besides drive around with their very loud sirens on. If you talk to one of these cops you are liable to make them drive around with their sirens on for hours, for no reason.

In two parts of the city there are people dressed in black and yellow who work for the “Golden Triangle” or “Federal Triangle.” These organizations have people standing on corners who are there to help you find things… most of these people can only help you find crack, and they’ve been known make sexually suggestive gestures towards girls under the age of 15. In fact, that’s all they do. Do not ask anybody in a suit for directions. They know, but don’t care to tell you, because they are busy. This city is designed for you to wonder aimlessly around in, so go with the mood and leave people alone.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Just wait until you hear the sirens.

Article C – You are never ever permitted to ride a metro-bus. Their routes are not designed to be understood by the common man, and the bus drivers will not tell you where they are going. They will ask you were you want to go and spout something off to the effect of “you all turned up wrong, you gots to snap up the S3 at Sherman park over at C street and catch yourself T12 or a T91 west down too gitchy town and if you get there early enough you hitch a C9 across town.” Then you are left to ask people riding the bus questions, which violates Article B all together. Do not get on the bus! They don’t make change either!

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : you’ll find out… please send us a post card from “the other side.”

Article D – Bums are not to be engaged in any manner at any time, anywhere. There are many bums in DC and they are here because they know you have money to spare since you don’t have to pay for any of the attractions here. You must realize that when you give them change you are effectively making them the second most profitable business you’ll patronize your whole trip to DC (we’ll get to the first most profitable business in Article E). When you give them money, they stay. If you ignore them, they go to Los Angeles. Let’s work on sending them on their way. When you give them money in certain areas, they stay there and they pee there. I have to smell this, and all this is your fault.

Do not stare at bums, this just pisses them off and makes them louder. Do not talk to bums, which would violate Article B of Section II. Don’t let your kids point a bums, this really drives them crazy. And yes, they shit in that bucket; you might want to get it off of your son’s head.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : You will not go to heaven.

Article E – Do not buy anything from the little trailers that line the street around our White House and other historic beautiful areas. If you are not familiar with what I’m talking about these are little trailers, or street vendors, who move in early in the morning and out during rush hour (see Section I Article C). They sell everything from hot dogs and ice cream to cheap shirts that say “FBI.” There is no reason for you to ever patronize these places. They are rip offs, unsightly for those of us who live here and the sole reason for slave labor in foreign countries (they sell cheap plastic crap from Asia). If we all band together in a boycott, they’ll leave and go back to New York where they belong. Plus, if you are eating lunch at one of the stands, that means your are violating Article B of Section I.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Possible food poisoning from the hot dogs or a horrible rash from the cheap t-shirts, not to mention the feeling of being ripped off because your kid is a whiney fat ass who demands you buy him everything he sees.

Article F – Dress appropriately. You are on vacation, but not in the Bahamas. Put the “daisy duke” jean shorts and tube top away. For some reason you people feel the need to really dress down when the world really wants you to wear a mumu. Foreign leaders roam the streets aimlessly in motorcades and we don’t want them thinking that Bill Clinton’s family has moved to town. If you aren’t dressed appropriately you will not be able to get into any restaurants in DC. The weather sucks here 85% of the time so bring clothes to reflect that fact.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : Nothing really, just people gawking at your ugly rose tattoo.

Article G – If you commission a tour bus to bring you into the city at anytime, I hope you die a horrible death. Tour busses fit on our city streets like fat people fit in airplanes… always in their lane, but spilling over into yours. This city was not made to have your senior citizen, diaper wearing ass trucked around in a bus.

PUNISHMENT FOR VIOLATION : We get your name and address from the tour bus companies and have every single political party ever known send you daily direct mail. And occasionally audit you.

In closing… please remember that we don’t come to your hometown while you are working and screw up your day, so please don’t screw up ours.