We do not consider ourselves early adopters. We just got a fax machine, recently started yelling “Kelly Clarkson!” during waxings, and just caught on to that new song sweeping the nation, the Macarena. But when we found out about a new social network mapping technology, we were intrigued…for about two and a half minutes.

For those of you looking to live vicariously through the lives of other people, we present to you Foursquare — a technology that serves no purpose beyond helping you stalk strangers.

We understand a lot of social media experts already know what Foursquare is and some of them worship it. We get it. But for the rest of you, please let us convince you why Foursquare is like a fourth American Idol judge – painfully useless.

Foursquare is a new mobile app that helps friends follow you when you decide to venture out into the real world. The strange part about this social networking mapping technology is that Foursquare adds a bizarre layer of game play. If Foursquare sees that you’re spending a lot of time at one location, it dubs you “mayor” of that establishment. In other words, if you “check in” to McDonald’s three times a week, there’s a good chance that not only will your ass get fatter, but you’ll become mayor of the golden arches – which for people obsessed with themselves, that’s really good news. PS: Some people we know are one businessman’s lunch away from being Mayor of Camelot.

But let’s be honest, the only thing less mind-numbing than a Facebook update about what someone ate for breakfast is a Foursquare update that announces that a co-worker just “checked in” at work. At 9:27. For the third time in a week.

Which brings us to our next point. Who would want to let the world in on their life by constantly publishing your time and location? If you do, we bet you think this post is about you.

Unless you find yourself in a police station every third-week falsely accused of a crime you didn’t commit and you need a solid alibi, Foursquare can only lead to trouble.

We understand there are people who want to see Foursquare flourish: probation officers, obsessed reality TV fans, suspicious spouses, paparazzi, parents of teenagers, the US government and of course, socially inept twenty-somethings living in their parents basements. But do the rest of us really need this?

So far the arguments for this technology have been few and far between. A few are listed below.

1. It’s easy to find out where friends are, so if there’s one out there you haven’t seen in a while, you can go to where they are without calling or texting them.

Where we’re from, that’s called stalking. And it’s creepy. If you’re using this technology to “run into” people, you likely need a heavier dose of whatever medication you’re on. That, or handcuffs.

2. It’s real life game play allows you to interact with strangers.

Repeat that sentence to your children. Still think that’s a good idea?

3. It’s cool to see who’s up to what and when.

Translation: Because Twitter and Facebook only take up 80% of my workday, I have plenty of time for Foursquare.

If you’re still not convinced that this technology is worth avoiding, give it a day, then let us know how it goes. We’ll be working on becoming Mayor of Good Stuff.