By: Brad Kanus
There’s nothing better than fantasy football to get your mind off the rapidly collapsing social foundation of our nation. I’m still not able to keep solid food down since seeing a CNN report featuring my uncle Fred and my grandmother at a rally where the anchor accused them of “teabagging” together. My uncle Fred has indicated that he was in fact guilty as charged. Thanksgiving is going to be a lot weirder than usual.
With that said, I’m ready to move on to the important things in life – draft day. We may not be big wigs with nice suits sitting around a table figuring salary caps against draft position, but we’re close. Which brings me to the question – Why doesn’t the NFL provide each team with a better phone on draft day? Hotels and the NFL must be the only purchasers of that phone your mom replaced in 1986 with a cordless phone the size of a shoebox. There’s something wrong with declaring that you’re about to offer a guy a $20 million signing bonus via a $6 phone. The guys at Pizza Hut are conducting their business with better technology (this is not an endorsement of Pizza Hut, but if you were inspired to purchase a pizza from Pizza Hut please tell Pizza Hut that we inspired you to do so. We need money for more fantasy magazines).
Draft day isn’t the make or break point in your season like many of you believe. No, when you put all your eggs in a Brett Favre basket in a moment of desperation in the fifth week because Brees has a bye – that’s when you make or break your season.
I wanted to break down each player, but that ain’t going to happen so half the time I just shit on the whole team at once. Enjoy
1. I love Brett Favre and I don’t give damn if the whole world knows it. He’s the most exciting person I’ve ever seen wearing wranglers who wasn’t an active participant in a rodeo and married to Jewel. I don’t care if he’s hurling paralyzed puppies at sick dolphins, I stand by him. With that said, I hope you did not draft him! He will rip your soul from your body and set it on fire while you watch. He will have one good game and you’ll be tempted to go pick him up and hold him for a bye week – don’t.
…2. Looking at the draft statistics on ESPN’s fantasy page is good for the soul. Stupid people from last year are still stupid this year. They put all their hopes in the tired tradition of drafting RBs through the tenth round neglecting to get a good quarterback. Midway through the season they’re getting their ass kicked by a team with Drew Brees at the helm and a midget in the backfield (DeAngelo Williams, bitches). Go look at the top ten fantasy scorers from last year and you’ll find that eight of them are quarterbacks. draft accordingly.
…3. I’m from Dallas. Actually I was born in Dallas against my will and then held hostage there by two people who went by the aliases “mom” and “dad” for 13 years. You may be familiar with the duo. Anywho, the Cowboys and their owner have done more damage to Texas’ reputation than 50 George Bushs could do in 50 terms as president. I hate the Cowboys and it’s mainly because of Jerry “I’m not quite T. Boone Rich” Jones. In a fit of irony only Alanis Morissette can describe adequately, Jones put the world’s largest TV inside a place you pay a lot of money so you don’t have to watch the game on TV. Of course it wouldn’t be complete if the damn thing wasn’t reachable by punters, which is a huge deal. The karma surrounding this whole team should be a clue that you shouldn’t draft any of them.
…4. Tom Brady is back. They’ve already started fitting the team for their Super Bowl rings. In Boston they do two things besides their year round reign as assholes – hate the Yankees and win Super Bowls. The only reasons we even play the games are because of the revenue generated from fantasy football and commercials starring Peyton Manning. Seriously, I haven’t heard one sports pundit put them out of the AFC Championship game and 75 percent have them winning not only the Super Bowl, but the World Cup as well. There must be some award given to the TV football analyst asshole who kissed Tom Brady’s ass the most each year. I hope you drafted him. He and Moss are going to tear it up when he’s not completing the other 96 percent of his passes to that little midget from Lubbock, Wes Welker.
…5. Staying on theme … crab cakes and football are what Maryland does. At least they do one of them well. Joe Flacco still runs like my dad and throws like Montana. Being the quarterback in Baltimore is like being the ace pitcher in Baltimore – useless. However, we love Joe Flacco because we see just a little touch of brilliance in his play for the 43 seconds or so the Ravens actually play offense each half.
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6. Kevin Smith – I loved Clerks, hated Dogma and I’m not happy you helped promote Ben Affleck’s pathetic career. As for the Kevin Smith who plays for the Lions – awesome. Your team stinks and you are a talented bad ass. Sounds familiar. Barry Sanders’ legacy is not dead. I have put my season in your hands – make it happen.
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7. If “banging random crazy bitiches during off-season charity events” was a stat, Big Ben Rothletsgogetaburger would be the league leader. I’m just glad he’s not gay. I’m okay with the gays. However, Pittsburgh isn’t and we were all wondering why the two time Super Bowl champion hadn’t threatened his career with a Jessica Simpson-type situation as of yet. Good thing he went all Kobe Bryant and we’re glad he’s kicking from the right side of the fifty.
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8. On the subject of the Steelers and manhood… Their defense is poised to be another solid pick this year. I don’t know all their names, but I do know they don’t give up a lot of points and tend to score some themselves. They say good defense wins championships… Well that’s nice, but not the case in fantasy football. A good defense goes in the next to last round after some idiot drafts Kyle Orton (more on him later).
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9. Jerry Jones sent his taller, younger and blacker twin to the Buffalo Bills in the off-season. This renewed hopes in Buffalo that President Obama wouldn’t sell them to Canada in exchange for the Bare Naked Ladies and the Toronto Blue Jays. TO went late in my drafts and I think it’s because we all know that by October there’s 43 feet of snow on the ground in Buffalo and throwing the ball to anyone is out of the question. Bringing TO to the severe winters of the Northeast is like bringing a midget to a basketball camp – all fun an games until somebody starts feeling ignored. If you did not pick up Marshawn Lynch in the mid rounds, you’re an idiot. I know he’s been in trouble and can’t play right out of the chute, but he’ll be the freshest player come week four or five whenever he returns. He will be pounding linebackers like super models at a Tom Brady housewarming party.
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10. For the record – I hate Jay Cutler. I hate the Bronco’s owner more (the one whose name we do not speak). I’m a Broncos fan. Actually, I’m a fan of the team formerly lead by Jesus Christ’s only football playing son – John Freaking Elway. They wrecked one of the most successful franchises of the past twenty years in about the time it takes Paris Hilton to go through a complete relationship cycle – two months. Now we have neck beard wearing, World of Warcraft playing, basement dwelling former Purdue standout, Kyle Orton scampering around the hallowed grounds of the house that John Freaking Elway built. Oh yeah, and the new coach is my age. Great. I can see where this season is going and the Detroit Lions couldn’t be happier about it.
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11. It’s going to be a great year for LT. Darrin Sprowles was all up in his you know what last year and the talk of trading “the Visor” was abound. Not being one to sit on the bench and pout (that’s funny and you know it), he actually worked out with the team through camp and looked like the old LT. And by “old LT” I do not mean the gap toothed crying crack head who played in New York during the 80s. I’m not talking about Daryl Strawberry or Dwight Gooden either. I’m not sold on the receiver corps for this team and was let down by Vincent Jackson a while back. The Chargers tend to spread the passing around, which leads to mediocre stats for all. Again LT is the deal.
…12. That brings me to the number one overall draft for this year’s fantasy season – Adrian Peterson. I buy it. I buy it big. He’s going to run all over teams like they’ve been tied to the turf with chains. Then Bret Favre is going to play action 100 yard bombs down the field like he’s some pixie stick addicted 10 year-old freak on Xbox Live who’s been playing Madden 2010 for 23 hours straight (you know that kid – he’s the only 10 year-old to call you a “bitch” and get away with it). Again, don’t draft Favre because he’s bad news. We talked about this. As for Bernard Berrian… His name is fucking “Bernard.” He sounds like he should be teaching English at an all women’s college, not catching passes in the NFL.
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13. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Cincinnati Bengals and the fact that nobody on their team killed anyone either on accident or on purpose during the off-season. If Carson Palmer stays healthy and Chad Ochocinco behaves, we’re talking some decent stats. Not to mention Cedric Benson who I think has found a nice home there. Look for me to be completely wrong by week three. Draft accordingly.
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14. In the “who gives a shit” department, I just saw that Brady Quinn will be the Skidmark’s starting Quarterback… until week four when they say “just kidding, we really like this other guy so much more.” I will not be surprised one bit if Cleveland will become the first NFL city to lose its team twice.
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15. Drew Brees is awesome. Reggie Bush, not so much. I let my wife play in a fantasy league again this year and she took Brees as her first pick. Say what you will, but she’s onto something. That offense is like pissing on an electric fence – electrifying. I know that was lame. How about this – that offense is like Paris Hilton falling down a flight of stairs – pure magic. I do think Shockey and the other guys running down the field waving their hands on the Saints are going to wrack up some serious fantasy points this year. That’s good news for LSU fans who are going to have to deal with the fact that they are last year’s Tennessee in the SEC.
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16. I like Philly a bunch this year. With Michael Vick on their sideline you know McNabb is going to play for his job every game. Brian Westbrook will be that guy who plays in 75 percent of the games and will be pretty good when he plays. Have a back up plan. You do not want to be hunting down backup options on the waiver wire in week six when Westbrook sprains his vagina and is out for two games.
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17. And since most of the audience who read this rant reside in the DC area, I’ll finish with the Maryland Redskins. Jason “Why In the World Wouldn’t I have A” Campbell Chunky Soup endorsement looked good in the preseason. I expect him to hookup with Santana Moss like they met at Smith Point – easily and often over a six month period. We all know that the freak in the locker room will be the bull on the field again this year. I love Clinton Portis. Not just because he played in Denver, but because he’s bad ass and you don’t deserve him. Chris Cooley is a great guy, but you don’t get points for being a great guy unless you’re playing “fantasy closeted gay high school male cheerleader.” He better get in the zone often.
See ya round.