If your league is like mine, you’re in the second round of the playoffs where the next two games are combined. This means it’s down to the wire and you need fantasy miracles that would dwarf the virgin birth of Jesus H. Christ.
In one of my leagues (yes, I wrote the plural of “league” – I’m not concerned about the health of my marriage… obviously) I am in the championship. It’s me versus some Filipino kid and we are talking mad sh*t. He starts every rebuttal to my Phillip Riversesque sh*t talking with, “I’m not Chinese!” Such a sensitive culture those Asians are.
It’s go time for a lot of you. Let recap who peed standing up last week and who was sitting down
1. Ryan Fitzpatrick happens to be the QB of the Cincinnati Bengals. Who would have thought that arresting Blagojevich would be worth 20 fantasy points! Do not put your season on this guy.
2. Speaking of the Bengals… They bit the arms off of the Skins like they were a toddler feeding Siegfried and Roy’s tiger. That was lame. I admit it. It’s just hard to make jokes about toddlers being disarmed by tigers unless you are from Texas. To us it’s freaking hilarious and an honor second only to your son being named quarterback of your local high school’s team. Double points if your kid’s name just happens to be named “Mox” too.
Where were we? Oh yeah, …
the Redskins sucking. How do you lose to a one win team late in the season? I was on record as saying that the Skins were not going to need to play in the first round of playoffs because like Jeff Garcia’s parents they would have a bye. (If you don’t get that… well you’re just not a sports fan) Obviously things have gone seriously wrong over in Maryland and we can pretty much guess that their owner is going to scatter that team to the wind come the off-season.
3. Rarely do we put tight ends high up in our countdown, but Dallas Clark deserves a nod this week. He banged out a great game with 12 catches for 142 yards and one end zone dance. Too bad he’s only had one other game this year for more than eight points. Way back in week eight he racked up 21 points against the Tennessee Nobodies. Sadly, he may have been on your bench when he decided to wake up and play for once.
4. Is it me, or is it just fitting that New Orleans has some dude named Pierre ripping up the turf for 25 fantasy points. And he did it in Reggie Bush style – catching and running. Last Thursday’s performance was his fifth straight two digit fantasy football performance. Ol’ Twinkle toes is the real deal.
5. Have I mentioned that Prince is from Minnesota and that my favorite song is “Purple Rain?” What are the chances he was a Vikings fan? If he wasn’t before he should be now. They’re 9-5 with their Lethargic early season quarterback, Tarvaris Jackson looking like… hold for a second while I try to remember a good Vikings quarterback… keep holding ——- Warren Moon! Forget you ever read that first sentence, please.
6. Is Matt Cassel back? Does a girl willing to come home with you after meeting you for the first time at a bar have herpes? You never know. You just have to step out on that ledge and see if the snake bites you. Good luck boys.
7. Because there is an international conspiracy against me, the Cowboys beat the Giants. If they weren’t over-hyped, over-rated and plain worshipped like a false idol before, they’re going to be simply unbearable now. The Giants, like I said last week, are not an unbeatable team. It is not a miracle to beat the Giants. It’s happened three times this year. The Cowboys will still choke like it’s their job come playoff time – if they make it.
8. Kyle Orton… Two “Ortons” and a fumble. No TDs. That’s what I get for being excited about a guy with a neck beard and a PS3.
9. Who knew Steven Jackson was off of IR? He put up 18 points this week. I can not stress enough the importance of each of us asking Santa for Mr. Jackson to be traded to a good team for next year. 10. LT is horrible. His team is horrible. They might actually ruin one of the best cities in the country with their sloppy, half-assed play. I’ve never seen a team crumble so severely after losing a linebacker. I do know this, though, my weekly rants about how much LT sucks haven’t penetrated your collective brains. Every one of you will be fighting over LT for the number one draft pick next year, just like always. I’ll be the guy who picks up Leon Washington in the fifth round and wins the league. You’ll recognize me once again as the guy at the bar wearing my fantasy championship shirt during March Madness.11. Good luck this week. Remember this isn’t, “fantasy friends,” it’s fantasy football – act accordingly.