It’s a sad commentary that a site with such great potential, like FamousDC most certainly has, continues to ignore the fantasy football and focus instead on transition teams and jobs for journalists after the election. This site should be instead focused on the transition from regular season football to the playoffs. We should be focusing on which crappy coaches will be calling the plays for a high school team next year and which coaches are going to be interviewed for the Cowboys’ job.
The utter lack of focus on the real issues is something I expected out of the two buffoons running for office. I did not, however, expect FamousDC to fall face forward into its own puddle of you know what.
Since the folks over at FamousDC have established themselves as “watchers,” I’ll once again take the role of “doer,” and dazzle you with my Adrian Peterson-like fantasy football analysis.
Take a deep breath…… get it on
1. The Kansas City Chiefs nearly beat the San Diego Letdowns this past weekend. The Pop Warner team from the Cattle City (talking about the women) botched a two point conversion that would have given them the win. Jesus hates the Chiefs, so obviously things didn’t go their way.
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The one bright spot for the Chiefs has been Tyler Pigpen. I don’t know about you, but I’m picking him up off the wire just in case Kyle Orton gets his ass kicked leaving the comic book store again. Pigpen passed for 266 yards and three TDs. He’s the real deal.
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2. Rex Grossman is functionally retarded. That’s all I have to say about that.
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3. Joe Flaco the Moldy Taco is tearing it up out there. He may run like my crippled grandpa, but he throws like Elway. Flaco had 17 fantasy points for his fourth fantasy worthy week in a row. Unfortunately, Flaco looks disturbingly like John Mark Karr (Google it).
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The Ravens were lucky they didn’t play at home this past weekend. They put up 41 points on the Texans in Houston. The Ravens scoreboard doesn’t even go to 35 and you know why.
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4. On the subject of Joe Flaco… Congrats to FamousDC reader and Fantasy Football Rant lover, Kristen. No, she didn’t win her first fantasy football game by picking all the cute guys. She’s hardcore. So hardcore in fact that her email question was included in Matthew Berry’s [ESPN] weekly column (Check it out here).
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She’s also in a band called the “Frustrations.” (You can watch them here). Yes, she’s the hot one.
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5. Adrian Peterson is like watching a guy with a facial tick at an airport terminal. You don’t have anything better to do so you find yourself watching the Vikings or in the case of the Airport, the guy with the facial tick. If you watch long enough you’ll be rewarded with something spectacular like an impossible 20 yard run by Peterson or a flurry of face touching action and flinching surely to make you get out of your seat and clap.
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In all seriousness, this guy needs 35 carries a game. Most of the time he’s running face first into a fat guy’s ass for no gain. But every once in a while he’ll break out and it’s so exciting that I’ve been known to pee a little.
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6. The Jets’ Defense went up for 25 on Sunday against the St. Louis Hams. Here’s a stat for you – in the last two games the Jets’ D has 43 points and 4 interceptions. Brett Favre has 16 points and 4 interceptions during that same period.
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7. Jay Cutler is back! He had a league leading 447 yards passing last Thursday. He managed three touchdowns and one “oh shit” for 29 fantasy points. During his diabetic passing frenzy he managed to hook up Eddie Royal and Brandon Marshall with 22 and 14 fantasy points respectively. I can not wait for these guys to lose in the first round of the playoffs. What’s Cutler going to say then? He’s got Lupus? (all Lupus sufferers who would like to call me an asshole please contact me at [email protected], thank you).
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8. Speaking of Denver… The running back situation further spiraled out of control when the no name guy of the week (Ryan Torain) hurt himself after putting up decent fantasy numbers. The word on the street is that Tatum Bell was signed for a second time by the Broncos. You might remember Tatum Bell… then again you might not.
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No matter what you think you have to do after reading this rant, you should be heading to your fantasy league and picking up Tatum Bell. He was a 1,000 yard rusher for the Broncos in a year when he was splitting carries. He was traded to Detroit last year for the craptastic corner, Dre’ “Captain” Bly.
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(Why Dre’ decided to throw an apostrophe into his name is beyond me. His name is only six total letters long. There’s no street cred in apostrophes. However, the capital letter midway through the name is dope – just ask the Carney Wilson of the NFL, LenDale White.)
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You’re asking, “but why did the Lions cut him? Didn’t he suck?” Everybody sucks in Detroit. Detroit is such a massive hole of suck it’s only rivaled by the Big 10.
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START TATUM BELL!
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9. Ben Rothletsgogetaburger is redefining the term “shitty quarterback” with gusto. He lost to Forehead Manning and the Geldings while completing 70 percent of his passes. He had three INTs and zero touchdowns. Somebody needs to tell him that only Favre can pull the “throw the ball to the other team to win” strategy. Big Ben is no longer a fantasy football option. Hell, he’s not even a sexual fantasy option anymore.
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10. Just in case you think I might have forgotten about Tom Brady’s season ending injury for him and Randy Moss, I haven’t. In fact I wrote him a letter the other day. It read:
…Dear Tom,
I hate you. If your supermodel girlfriend happens to leave you for one of the Jonas brothers – you deserved it.
Love,
Brad…
11. I apologize for my Ray Rice-and Beans tip last week. Boy did he suck this week.
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12. Kudos to all of you who picked up Duante Culpepper this week. Did you buy GM stock this week too? Idiot.
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13. Jay Feely of the New Jersey Jets when into some kind of epileptic kicking fit on Sunday and boarded 21 fantasy points. (If you’re a pissed off epileptic and want to tell me I suck, put a spoon in your mouth and email me at [email protected]). I also just fond out that Feely has a younger brother who’s an up and coming Offensive Tackle – his name is Touchy.
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14. Even though I think the Tennessee Titans are the most boring football team in the league, I do think they are getting the shaft with this whole undefeated thing. This time last year the Patriots were 9-0 and it’s all we heard about. Sports pundits had not only given them the Super Bowl win, they were pondering whether they could go 4,000 – 0 over the next few centuries. I hope Tennessee runs the table and acts like the no-name assholes on the 72 Dolphins for 30 years. It’s the only way to do it.
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15. Lawrence Taylor called LaDanian Tomlinson this week to thank him for giving his nickname back.
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16. I hope you didn’t print your New Orleans Suckers or your San Diego Letdowns Super Bowl shirts up before the season. Both teams will be lucky to end the season with their dignity or head coaches.
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17. Brain Westbrook? Yeah, hadn’t seen him either.
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18. I like the Miami Dolphins. They’re scrappy. I was pleased to see Ricky Williams score his first touchdown since college. Good for him.
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19. Make sure you catch the epic battle between good vs. evil when the Cowboys’ take on the Indians this weekend in Maryland. Just in case you care – the Giants have the division locked up so this game is worthless. I hope Tony Romo French kisses Clinton Portis and confirms all of suspicions – Portis is into white dudes.