McCain and Obama seem to be somewhat close in the polls as they head into the 4th quarter. It’s anybody’s game and we might have to go into overtime on this one (House breaks Electoral College tie). I could only dream of that scenario happening with any of my fantasy teams.
I’m so out of first I have people in my leagues trying to offer me ridiculous trades for my top guys. Here’s a trade proposal I got the other day and the subsequent exchange:
League member – “Brad, since you are out of it and probably won’t win another game… do you think you could send me Clinton Portis for Johnny Lee Higgins?”
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Brad – “Who the holy F is “Johnny Lee Higgins? NO! I will win a few more for sure. My bye weeks are over.”
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League member – “Seriously, you’re done. You’re wife beat you 114 -32 and her #1 draft pick was on a bye. She picked him because she thought he had a good name for your first born. Maybe you could distribute your players evenly among those of us still in it.”
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Brad – “So you are bringing up my wife now. I see. F YOU. Leave little JaMarcus out of this.”
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My wife – “I just got an email from “league member” and I agree with him, you should make that trade. I’ll give you Croyle for Cutler. You need admit when you are done. I’ll mention that to our counselor.”
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Brad – “I can not BELIEVE you’d turn on me like this. I’m taking my cat and staying with my parents. Croyle? I don’t even know you anymore – tell the counselor that.”
Shall we get down to business?
1. I told you last week that the Miami Dolphin Safe Tuna wouldn’t be able to pull off their high school scheme another week. I was right. You wasted your time picking up Cobbs who grabbed six points, which was three better than Bob Marley and Ronnie Brown combined. Back to the drawing board, I guess. They might go old school and pull out the “run and shoot” or the “wishbone” for next week’s game.
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2. Jay Cutler kicked the baby with a less than stellar performance on Monday night against the Patriots of Boston. You might remember that Cutler has diabetes. He’s also apparently retarded. Way to go Cutler. Elway wore the numbers seven. And you? Well you scored seven points last night. Maybe Elway will let you play on his arena team next year. Chump.
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3. Steven Jackson delivered for the second time this year for his fantasy owners. Jackson had said that he was pumped to play against the Cowboys because they passed over him in the 2004 draft. The Rams’ GM was quoted as saying, “hey, dumbass – nobody else drafted your ass either so kick it into high gear against them too.” Jackson had 35 points on three touchdowns and 160 yards rushing. He is listed as “probable” for next week’s game having strained a dreadlock late in the third quarter against Dallas.
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4. BCS rankings were released last weekend because Crimson Tide fans hadn’t bitched enough already about not being #1 in the polls already. Texas grabbed the top spot in BCS much to the chagrin of Tide fans around the country. Alabama truck drivers immediately struck back by posting their thoughts for the entire country to see in their own form of social networking. From Bangor to San Diego truck stop bathrooms were littered with posting reading, “it ain’t not fair. We’ve been overlooked ever since the war of northern aggression.” Other SEC hopeful, Florida has their spelling team working around the clock trying to figure out what vowels are needed to make “BCS” a word.
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5. Did you know that there were more than 10 kickers with 10 points or more this past week? I still hate soccer.
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6. Who were the top three fantasy quarterbacks this week? If you said Matt Cassel, Kyle Orton and Dan Orlovsky – you’re a winner. Peyton Manning and Favre were in the bottom five this week. This is like Ralph Nader winning the presidency.
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7. Kyle Orton – Pure awesome in a Dungeons and Dragons package. I have a neck beard because he does.
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8. The Saints and the Chargers lose AGAIN. There’s no doubt in my mind that by Friday of this week football pundits will still be picking them to win the NFC and the AFC championships respectively. Talk about a group of guys who can’t admit when they are wrong.
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9. Tennessee is 6-0. I could care less. Put the suicidal guy back in and then I’ll watch.
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10. Reggie Bush is the new Brian Westbrook – deal with it.
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11. Former Bush teammate and current fat ass, LenDale White had the best day of his career this past weekend when he went up for 32 points on 148 yards rushing and three touchdowns. Don’t get all crazy about Porky the Running Back it was against the Chiefs. He’s a fantasy “option,” not a fantasy “must start.”
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12. LT is slowly going back to meaning “Lawrence Taylor.”
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13. For a guy who dresses up in drag and tears off 175 yards a game, you sure don’t hear much about Clinton Portis. I guess he should whoop his body guard’s ass this week.
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14. The Dallas Cowboys are doing everything they possibly can to set T.O. off. And we’re all cheering them along! That locker room is about to make Falujah look like a fun place to be.
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15. Bret Favre lost to the Raiders. Brett Favre told the Lions how to beat the Packers. Keep messing with Favre and you’ll have to deal with the likes of Chuck Todd and Chuck Norris. Sit down, shut up and watch Brett do magical things. You don’t judge the Favre. You don’t accuse the Favre. You just hope the Favre slaps your daughter’s hand coming out of the tunnel and her amputated legs grow back.
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16. Owners of Larry Johnson (morons) should probably not start him this week seeing as how Big Herm may sit him this week. Apparently LJ ran into one of his fantasy owners and didn’t respond well to the question, “why do you run like a duck and suck?” Unable to evade anybody with neither speed nor agility, LJ was forced to spit a drink in this woman’s face to escape the tongue lashing. Way to go – loser.