What a week in NFL Fantasy Football.  We’re all worried about the market crash and my team made John McCain’s numbers look pretty damn good.  I’m dropping like a tub of concrete in the harbor with an Italian attached to it.

To say I’m losing interest in my various leagues is an understatement.  However, I do realize that my fantasy football skills do prepare me for real life situations.  Take this Florida Congressman who replaced the Palm Beach pedophile (allegedly) promising some kind of “ethical” revolution if elected.  Now he’s in the microwave set on high because he can not manage people.

If he was a three time fantasy football league champion like myself, he’d know how to manage his stable of mistresses.  Who needs an MBA from Wharton?  Fantasy sports are the new school for future management prospects.

Back on track here, let’s get started:

1.  If you own LT, Steven Jackson or Adrian Peterson last week was quite disappointing.  The days of game to game elite running backs racking up huge fantasy points are gone.  The running game is no longer a part of a strategy to score, it’s simply something to do while the quarterback rests his arm.  A sideshow.  A distraction from the action.  I can not watch another game and listen to some stupid commentator tell me that LT or Adrian Peterson is the greatest runner to ever live only to watch them run five feet and run into fat white guy’s ass and fall down.  That is not entertainment.
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2.  Braylon Edwards led all wide receivers in something other than drops this week.  That’s right, he was tops in fantasy points for receivers this week.  (Cobbs is listed as a running back so STFU).  One of two things happened to you with Edwards this week.  He was either on your bench or your opponent started him and whooped your ass.  Either way, I still hate Ohio and he’s the reason you lost.
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3.  Speaking of the Browns, they beat the former Super Bowl champs, the Giants in a blowout.  The NFC East as a whole took a beating.  They were like the ACC of the NFL for once.  So much for any of those teams competing in the playoffs.  If you can’t beat the Browns, Cardinals or the Rams during the regular season, the playoffs are going to be a bitch to get to.
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4.  Kyle Orton Update! Put your Lord of the Rings pajamas away and listen to me –  Orton is the real deal.  You might want to pick him up off of the waiver wire soon.  I’m not saying drop Joe Flaco right away and go get him, but think about it.  Orton put the Bears on top of the Falcons with like negative seven seconds to go.  They lost, but it wasn’t because of Kyle Orton.  Not a great fantasy showing, but he’s getting there.  Orton is growing a huge fan base among the “furries” fan groups (link?)
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5.  Brett Favre went all Brett Favre and completed more passes to the other team than his own this week.  Favre then apparently called Tony Romo later that day to console the young quarterback after Romo reportedly broke his pinky finger.  Romo was quoted as saying, “You’re calling to check on me?  Did you see that game you just played?  Go suck an egg.”
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Favre did not react well to the phone conversation.  He called a meeting with the other two most powerful men in the world, Chuck Todd and Chuck Norris, to discuss possible UN sanctions on Tony Romo.
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6.  It’s worth mentioning again that the Redskins lost to the worst team to ever play football.  Detroit is a close second.  Portis still put up 25 and remains a fantasy force, but Jesus H. Christ and a hand-basket – how do you lose to a team with a coach who’s been there a day and a half and doesn’t even have a bathroom key yet?
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7.  Giants D = -7.  Not Happy.
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8.  The Patriots made an emergency 911 call to report a suspicious package in their locker room that may have been full of explosives.  Turns out it was just Randy Moss.  Unfortunately there will be no fantasy points awarded for being an asshole this season.  That goes for Adam “Pacman” Jones as well.
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9.  In non-NFL related news the Crimson Tide of Alabama are wound up tighter than a Auburn grad facing a 7th grade math test over the College football rankings this week.  The University of Texas defeated the Oklahoma Sooners who were #1 (numero uno) in the polls.  ‘Bama figured they take over the top spot after the loss, but were crying in their sweet tea when Texas was given the number one spot.  Poll officials say that it wasn’t a dis to the Tide, it was just that their team colors and Oklahoma’s team colors were so close that it might confuse NASCAR fans.
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10.  Speaking of Texas, Longhorn quarterback Colt McCoy did not answer questions about the game in the post game press conference.  He was busy trying to prove that he’s not actually Sarah Palin’s son.  Colt indicated that he was in fact close friends with Palin’s two sons, Tack-Hammer and 12 Gauge, but there was no blood relation. Tina Fey could not be reached for comment.
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11.  Do NOT go pick up Miami Dolphin’s RB, Patrick Cobbs this week hoping he’s going to save your season.  He caught three passes for 138 yards and two TDs.  This was a fluke.  He benefited from a gimmicky offense borrowed from a high school coach who runs the “fumbleroosky” at least once a half.  The rest of the NFL will catch on eventually and this guy will again be the third running back behind Bob Marley and Ronnie Brown.
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12.  Reggie Bush doesn’t gain a lot of yards, but he does score.  He was worth 18 points this week and if you can get over the fact that he’s dating a walking, talking ass with a reality show – then good for you. I can not.
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13.  Joe Flaco (yes I know I spell his name wrong – I do it on purpose because I’m trying to provoke Joe Flacco into fighting me.)  Where were we?  Did you know Grandpa Joe complete more than 70 percent of his passes on Sunday?  Three of them went to the other team.  He led his team to three points.  He himself scored four (4, quatro) fantasy points.  Dan Orlosvky, a former Detroit Redwings forward called up to play football for the lions, managed 10 points.  And Orlosvky ran out of the back of the end zone.  Way to go Flacco – Hear that?  Do you?  It’s the CFL calling.
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14.  Byes this week include – the Cardinals, Eagles, Jags and the Falcons.  I can’t name one player on the Jags, so I’m sure you are fine there.  Other than that you can count on missing Kurt Warner (just kidding), Brian Westbrook (kidding again – he’s always hurt), Donovan McNabb and Michael Turner.  Not too bad of a week.
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15. Expect T.O. to go off the deep end this week when some cracker ass cracker takes Romo’s spot and hands the ball off to Barber 71 times.