Week five is behind us now and FamousDC still refuses to cut their coverage of guys opening doors to focus solely on Fantasy Football.
However, I was excited to see some actual football related coverage of the Washington Sunburn’s tight end, Chris Cooley. Congrats to Mr. Cooley who managed to keep his pecker out of his blog post this time.
Protip – Despite what Al “do as I say not as I do” Gore says, North America is getting cooler by the day, which means teams will stop passing as much and focus on the run more. It’s not my opinion, it’s written in the Bible. Make sure you have enough RBs to get you into the playoffs.
Full break down after the jump
Shall we?
1. Kyle “Dungeon Master” Orton is undrafted in my league for obvious reasons. That didn’t keep him from putting up 22 points against the Detroit Kittens. Sporting a “neck beard” is a lot cooler when you go 334 for two TDs and no “Kyle Ortons.” Congrats kid, the Bears might actually add your name to the program next year.
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2. Chris Cooley did put up 16 points in the Sunburn’s exciting win over the Philly Cheesesteaks. However, as FamousDC mentioned, all that catching and scoring you did left Santana Moss owners pounding sand. Here’s the deal, Cooley – We love your blog and it’s great when you deliver more than a four point performance when we least expect it. We love your down to earth approach to life, funny beard contests and the fact that you probably secretly work with inner city retarded kids because you really care. BUT… when I start Santana Moss I expect him to do the “Icky Shuffle” twice a game for at least 20 points because I spent a draft pick on him. He’s a blue chip receiver whose performance each week makes or breaks my fantasy team. If you render him useless by running around catching eight passes for 100+ yards and a TD, then I’m screwed. I don’t care if you are the “better guy” between the two of you. For all I care he could be feeding kittens to Pit Bulls and pulling “gats” on grandmas – I need him to take the ball to the house without you interfering.
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3. The NFL’s only official midget topped the fantasy scoring this week. DeAngelo Williams banged out two touchdowns and 123 yards rushing and added a receiving TD as well. That’s a lot of field for those little legs to cover.
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4. Brett Favre was officially on a bye this week, but scored 25 fantasy points for his performance in the touch football game for Wrangler Jean’s commercials.
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5. Tom Brady is still dead to me, but his brother from another mother, Randy Moss went deep this week and gave fantasy a little hope that the high school back up quarterback filing in for the supermodel impregnator might just salvage this fantasy season. (by the way, that sentence was longer than Moss’ TD play – public schools werk)
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6. The Titans and Bears are phenoms this year for fantasy points. The Bears have scored more points than LT. It’s time to send a nasty little note to that guy in your league who makes fun of you for drafting a defense in the fifth round.
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7. Speaking of LT… His five (5, sinco, V) fantasy points this week were part of the reason they lost to the Miami Tuna. The entire Chargers team is turning into Ryan Leaf. Meanwhile the Tuna are spoiling seasons left and right and there’s not a Cuban in Miami who could give a shit.
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8. How about them Skins?!?!? Take away their defensive stars and they still win! They’ll find a way to screw it up, God hates Maryland.
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9. Kurt Warner was called “old” by Senator McCain early last week. Warner responded by completing nearly 80 percent of his passes and signed a four year deal with Depends. Vinny Testaverde was reportedly “livid” at losing the Depends contract.
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10. Aaron Rodgers is proving to be Green Bay’s Steve Young. We can look forward to his exciting career in the NFL and really shitty commentary after that.
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11. Reggie Bush returned two punts for touchdowns in Monday night’s disappointing loss to the White Men with Funny Hats and Pretty Blonde Hair. Kim Kardashian’s ass had no comment.
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12. Kudos to all of you who put all your hopes in dreams in Larry Johnson this week. You should have listened to me – He laid a big fat zero up on the board for all of you believers. He had seven carries and managed two yards. FAIL.
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13. Buffalo, Tennessee, Kansas City, Pittsburgh all have byes this week so you’ll be without the services of Marshawn Lynch, the Titan’s Defense and Ben Rothletsgogetaburger. You shouldn’t have any KC players on your team because every week is a bye week for them.
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14. I’ve got $10 that says T.O. goes all Keyshawn before Moss.