I’ve got $700 Billion dollars that says Fantasy Football is the largest single indicator of financial health in the United States. After this past weekend I’m afraid we’re a turd headed for a dark hole my friends. Unless there’s some fantasy magic soon we’re all going to be eating out of dumpsters and drinking Thunderbird.
Shall we start?
1. The “bye” weeks have started. This one was particularly brutal with the Lions, Colts, Dolphins, Patriots, Giants and Seahawks all out. I take that back, it was a blessing that every team but the Giants didn’t play. There’s nothing like getting your bye week out of the way early so you can rely on the likes of Moss, Manning, Brady, Kitna, Addai, Wayne, Harrison and Hasselback for the rest of the season. Quite a season that roster of losers is having.
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2. Brett Favre. Brett Freaking Favre! John Madden still hasn’t come out of the bathroom with the video of that game. Favre led the New Jersey Jets to a 56 to 35 victory over the hapless Arizona Cardinals who are paying some male model named Matt Lienart like a million bucks a game to make sure nobody steals the Gatorade. If you had Favre starting in your league on Saturday you surely forgave him for every single one of his “oh shits” of the past. By the way – 56-35? Do these teams play in Conference USA or something?
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3. Larry Johnson ripped off nearly 200 yards against the Denver Shetland Ponies. It’s about time too. Larry Johnson was drafted on average 14th this year. It only took a few years for people to get the word that this duck-footed cry baby was a fluke and they shouldn’t draft him anywhere near the first round. His “once a year” performance did two things – 1. Made up for almost all of the crap you put up with last year with him and 2. Reignited his chances of being drafted in the first round next year only to be a huge letdown again.
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4. Quiz – What does the Titan’s defense and six quarterbacks have in common? Answer later.
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5. Steven Jackson finally turned in a 20+ point game for his sad sack owners. Jackson’s brothers, Tito and Michael, were ecstatic about Steven’s performance.
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6. The Redskins made believers out of many and asses out of the Cowboys. Somebody might need to remind the Redskins that they are an average team with a truly F’d up owner and have no business running around trying to win their division because they sure aren’t playing like it.
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7. Brian Westrbrook has been a real treat for my fantasy team and yours. Especially now that he’s “hurt” again. He was on average the number three (3, tres, III) pick in the draft. He’s not even in the top ten in total fantasy points among RBs and he’s somewhere around Joe Flaco on the overall scoring list. Way to go, Jackass.
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8. Trivia Answer – What does the Titan’s defense and six quarterbacks have in common? They are all in the top 10 for total fantasy points! Your “draft 40 running backs and Joey Harrington” strategy has backfired. Two of the six quarterbacks’ names are not Brady or Manning (either one). They are in order Cutler (67th pick), Rivers (97th pick), Brees (27th pick), Favere (82nd pick) and Romo (17th pick). The whole thing stings like a jelly fish.
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9. I forgot to thank the Cowboys for the prostate exam they took on live TV. Almost everybody forgot about my Broncos losing to the Kansas City Indians in Charge.
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10. Maybe you saw the “Fantasy Let Down Bowl” on Saturday when the Skidmarks met the Bengal Bracelets in the “Battle of Ohio.” First off, it’s a not a “Battle of Ohio.” It’s not even a “Battle for Ohio.” The winner actually gets a chance to move to Kentucky. The sheer Fantasy Football potential on the field was frightening. The reality was quite depressing. Ohio blows.
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11. Kyle Orton. I couldn’t go a week without ragging on your basement dwelling ass. Nice game. You had three TDs, two “Kyle Ortons” and your defense won the game… again. You know what I love about you, Kyle? Nothing.
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12. Ben “Campbell’s Chunky Soup” Rothletsgogetabuger put an end to the Raven’s bid to win another Super Bowl with a killer defense and a shitty quarterback (Joe Flaco). If you can’t beat the sloppy Steelers then you are going to have tough time against actual teams.
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13. Remember this week that Cleveland, Oakland, St. Louis Lambs and the New Jersey Jets all have “byes.” This means you’ll have to sit Favre… You shouldn’t be starting any of the players on the other teams unless you are a fantasy douche and you want lose.