Obama Set to Quit, Looks to Sign With Chicago Bulls

From our friends at eTrueSports.com:

Washington – “It ain’t worth it, nothing is,” said President Barack Obama in announcing he will resign the Presidency to sign a ten-day, non-guaranteed contract with his hometown Chicago Bulls. “Pretending to like Nancy Pelosi is killing me.”

As for Biden — he’s ready to take over.

“I’m ready to serve,” announced a beaming Vice-President Joe Biden in a joint press conference with his former boss. “I’m ready to shoot jumpers,” said Obama.

Get the entire “true story here.

We Remember the Old Eric Massa

15 minutes can be a long time.

UPDATE: We liked this when we saw it the first time here.

Two Branches Enter, One Branch Leaves

Crossroads with Jan Crawford: White House Vs. Supreme Court: It’s Getting Ridiculous

But once again, the White House has to try to get the last word. Last night, Gibbs struck back at Roberts.

…

“What is troubling is that this decision opened the floodgates for corporations and special interests to pour money into elections – drowning out the voices of average Americans,” Gibbs said. “The president has long been committed to reducing the undue influence of special interests and their lobbyists over government. That is why he spoke out to condemn the decision and is working with Congress on a legislative response.”

…

Maybe it’s because he’s an Auburn guy and the Chief Justice was talking to law students at the University of Alabama (or, as we like to say, “the University”), but Gibbs should have let this go.

Now Congressional Hockey Gets Serious [Bounty]

It was all fun and games until a hill staffer puts a bounty on the head of a gun lobbyist …

BDayspring: Placing a $500 bounty on the head of @goody37 for tonight’s game.

RELATED: Not Your Normal Hockey Game [Lawmakers vs. Lobbyists]

RELATED: Flickr photoset from last night’s hockey game at Ft. Dupont (lobbyists won 7 – 2)

Eye Street [The Daily Caller]

The Daily Caller has a new political blog out: Eye Street

First Post:

Welcome to Eye Street

…

By Mike Riggs   03/10/10 at 1:05 PM

…

Dear Internet: Welcome to The Daily Caller’s newest blog. Named “Eye Street” for our location (1720 I St.) and for our ambitions (to be all-seeing), in this space you’ll find news, analysis, aggregation, and even some commentary from the DC’s crack reporting team: Jon Ward, Alex Pappas, Gautham Nagesh, Aleksandra Kulczuga, yours truly, and soon, Jonathan Strong, currently of Inside EPA.

…

We plan to inform you, entertain you, and maybe even break your heart. Please expect great things from us. And if we let you down, don’t hesitate to tell us what you’d rather see. Be salty, even. We can handle it.

California Gov. Race: @FakeJerryBrown Vs. WikiMeg.Com

The infamous “Demon Sheep” ad got us a bit intrigued about the races out there on the West Coast, and we happened to stumble upon a few other internet offerings that might be worth checking out…both focused on examining the candidates for Governor

Level The Playing Field 2010, a union funded organization run by Dem strategist Chris Lehane and supporting Jerry Brown, launched WikiMeg this week, which is billed as “bold new experiment in democracy.” The open source site allows individuals to post information about Whitman, including a “sightings” section.  We aren’t sure if this open source oppo site is the first of its kind, but it’s not a half-bad idea, and it seemed to get quite a bit of press exposure, which is always a good start.

And then we noticed a peculiar new @FamousDC Twitter follower named @FakeJerryBrown. Promoting itself as a “fake Jerry Brown with a real record of failure” the anonymous, fake first person perspective of @FakeJerryBrown incorporates humor into the daily tweets of Brown thoughts and stories, ranging from frustration over a flip flop to attacking his little known primary opponent to tweeting Andrew Breitbart about ACORN investigations.This morning’s offering included the well known viral video about Oakland’s problems with “whistle tips”…which apparently took place during Browns tenure as Mayor. While not gaining a mass following on twitter yet, we did happen to notice that a curious group of national reporters/producers like @PElliottAP and @hambypCNN, along with Brown’s own spokesperson @sterling4jb, seem to be following the fun.

Check out www.wikimeg.com and @fakejerrybrown and give us your thoughts.

Not the Onion: Lawmakers Say Shower Run-Ins Are Unusual

Philip Rucker gets all the fun assignments.

Funniest Massa Quotes

Nice round-up from our friend Betsy Rothstein

Famously Quoteworthy: Tickle Monster [UPDATE: Exclusive Video]

We don’t generally comment on tickling, but this is too good:

Ex-Rep. Eric Massa:

“Now they’re saying I groped a male staffer,” Massa told host Glenn Beck. “I did. I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe.”

Could this get any stranger?

UPDATE: We snagged the exclusive tickling video:

h/t MH via Roll Call

Closing Bell: Best Actor in Real Life

Your WTF of the Week: Wax On, Wax Off

This is apparently what happens when you trail by 20+ points…

Gov. Charlie Crist speaking candidly about his Marco Rubio:

Because he’s trying to pawn himself off as a fiscal conservative. And yet just in reason weeks, two weeks ago it has come out in news accounts he had a Republican Party of Florida credit card that he charged $130 haircut, or maybe it was a back wax — we are not sure what all he got at that place.

h/t RCP

Senate Warns Staffers to Avoid Drudge Report

This seems suspect:

Just as the healthcare drama in the capitol reaches a grand finale, congressional officials are warning employees to avoid the DRUDGE REPORT!

The Senate’s Committee on Environment and Public Works issued an urgent email late Monday claiming the DRUDGE REPORT is ‘responsible for the many viruses popping up throughout the Senate.’

The committee ordered hill staff: ‘Try to avoid’ the DRUDGE REPORT ‘for now’.

Drudge himself ain’t buying it:

On Monday DRUDGE served over 29 million pages with NOT ONE email complaint received about ‘pop ups’, or the site serving ‘viruses’.

The site was seen 149,967 times since March 1st from users at senate.gov and 244,347 times at house.gov. [10,825 visits from the White House, eop.gov]

The Systems Administrator may want to continue taking her antibiotic until the prescription runs out.

PS: We also served 29 million page views on Monday.

h/t Lazy Hazy

Famously Headlined: At Least It Rhymes

The only thing going well for Nancy today, a rhyming headline courtesy of POLITICO:

Pelosi’s grip on House slips

Next week she gets her very own haiku.

The Only News Worth Reporting Today

Sure, we could talk about this:

Rep. Massa describes a confrontation with Emanuel in a shower: “I am showering, naked as a jaybird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me.” [TMI]

Naked or not, it doesn’t hold a candle to this:

Betty White fans, your prayers have been answered. The former “Golden Girl” will appear on “Saturday Night Live” in the near future, she confirmed to PEOPLE at Elton John’s annual Oscars viewing party on Sunday night. [golden]

Now that’s worth reporting.

Closing Bell: C-SPAN Radio iPhone App

Famously Quoteworthy: Tell Us How You Really Feel

Rep. Eric Massa (D-NY), in a radio interview, on the White House chief of staff:

“Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn… He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive.”

Snap.

h/t TG

Chuck Todd Blasts Drudge Report [Mediaite]

Chuck Todd: “There’s no worse crime in journalism these days than simply deciding something’s a story because Drudge links to it.”

Adrian Fenty’s Friends

Nikita Stewart and Paul Schwartzman probably aren’t getting out of parking tickets any time soon.

WaPo: Friends share in D.C. Mayor Adrian M. Fenty’s good fortune

Jay-Z in the White House Situation Room

The Weekly Standard: Rapper Jay-Z in the Situation Room

MJ at summer jam, Obama on the text. Y’all should be afraid of what I’m gonna do next.

We Loved Him in “Money Train”

Wesley Snipes has aged.

h/t next round

PS: Lovin’ the bow tie, Wes.

WaPo Columnists Steel Cage Match

We can’t quit Rahm either.

Howard Kurtz: Dueling Post columns on Rahm Emanuel

They Don’t Have the White House, Senate or House, But They Do Have Twitter

According to the Christian Science Monitor:

Republicans Rule Twitter

Not to worry though, Democrats came in second.

But more GOP than Democratic lawmakers use Twitter to communicate with constituents and the news media, according to a new Congressional Research Service study.

Get your hands on the hot little report here.

Famously Quoteworthy: DCCC Tees Off on Rep. Sessions [Insert Tiger Woods Quote]

From a DCCC press release: [the golf gloves are off]

“Pete Sessions talking about ethics in Congress is like Tiger Woods talking about fidelity,” said Jesse Ferguson, Southern Regional Press Secretary for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee.

The only reason we saw this is because we have a Google alert set up for “Pete Sessions” and “Tiger Woods.” We knew it was only a matter of time.

Note: We have no idea what this quote is in reference to. That would involve reading.

Not Your Normal Hockey Game [Lawmakers vs. Lobbyists]

The upcoming “Congressional Hockey Challenge” isn’t so abnormal that they’re letting Sen. Robert Byrd skate, but a few other lawmakers have decided to risk their pretty faces.

On March 9, 2010, ice hockey-playing Members of Congress, and similarly-talented Senate and House staff, will challenge some of K Street’s finest in the second annual “Congressional Hockey Challenge Charity Ice Hockey Game.” This face-off will raise funds and awareness for the Fort DuPont Ice Hockey Club. [slap shot]

Playing for the Lawmakers:

Kerry, Hon. John (D-MA) – TBD – 01
Quigley, Hon. Mike (D-IL) – TBD – 10
Higgins, Hon. Brian (D-NY) – TBD – 27
Murphy, Hon. Patrick (D-PA) – TBD – 28
Black, Kathleen – Defense – 07
Burton, Jeff – Forward – 05
Dayspring, Brad – Defense – 02
Fischer, Bob – Forward – 64
Kraly, Stephen – Defense – 21
Lansing, Gerrit – Center – 16
Mazzola, Tory – Defense – 24
McEvoy, Jeff – Forward – 03
Oehmen, Jon – Center – 16
Regan, Tim – Forward / Defense – 09
Sheehan, Tim – Forward – 05

Playing for the Lobbyists:

Bennett, Ian – Defense – 9
Billings, John – Defense – 16
Card, Brad – Defense – 2
Cline, John – Defense – 10
Coleman, Chris – Defense – 12
Coburn, Brook – Right Wing – 7
DePoy, Brook – Defense – 17
Emerson, Andrew – Goalie – 31
Filippone, Bob – Left Wing – 33
Goodwin, John – Defense – 37
Gullott, Chris – Defense – 27
Kimbell, Jeffrey – Defense – 17
Lewis, Nick – Right Wing – 66
Litterst, Nelson – Forward – 11
Meehan, Michael – Defense – 77
Murphy, Rick – Defense – 78
O’Neill, Sean – Defense – 72
Sulkala, Matt – Forward – 13
Tilton, Steve – Defense – 6
Weston, Ian – Team Medic/Trainer – 99

Doors Open at 7:00pm at the Fort DuPont Ice Arena in Southeast, Washington, DC.

Jim Bunning [Deadspin]

Deadspin’s Tommy Craggs: Marvin Miller Remembers The Pre-Crazy Jim Bunning, Labor Revolutionary

Two Enter, One Leaves [Grayson vs. Bachmann]

Intense.

David Broder vs. Dana Milbank & Jason Horowitz

With friends like these …

WaPo’s David S. Broder: The fable of Emanuel the Great

RELATED: Inside the Mind and Inbox of Rahm Emanuel

Closing Bell #2: Integrity [Massa & Spitzer]

h/t 1 -Ben Smith

h/t 2 -Jim Geraghty

h/t 3 – Rick Wilson

Closing Bell: Tax Cheats

Politico’s Erika Lovley: Jason Chaffetz: Ax Hill staff tax cheats

Presidential Reunion [Funny or Die]

Famously Pictured: “Don’t tell Michelle”

Days after he announced to the nation that he had high cholesterol, President Obama enjoyed a heart healthy meal. [fried chicken]

The only thing missing from his meal — Lipitor.

Gay Marriage Now Legal in Washington, DC

The Atlantic: Gay Marriage Clears Final Hurdle In the District Of Columbia

At midnight tonight, same-sex marriage will be legal in the District of Columbia.

We Lied … This Is the Greatest Video Ever

If this doesn’t get you excited to vote in Texas, nothing will.

h/t Liz Mair

Famously Quoteworthy: Congressional Cribs

Rep. Paul Broun on the dozens of dead animals in his congressional office:

“I’ve eaten everything in this office.”

Even better:

“If I’m going to shoot it, I’m going to eat it.”

This video is part of Roll’s Calls revamped Office Space series.  Solid work by the Roll Call team.

Gibbs Defends Obama’s Junk Food Habits

He’s just like most Americans – he goes for the burger, not the salad. [eat for today]

He [Gibbs] joked, “All you guys think he eats carrots and celery – and there’s more cheeseburgers, fries and pie than you previously knew. You guys thought he, like, carried arugula in his pocket to snack on, and now all of a sudden he’s … breaking into my office looking for quarters for the vending machines.”

As for the post-burger smoke…

Gibbs said he did not know who the president “bums smokes from” but that he “struggles” fighting “the addiction … each and every day.”

Tip: Nicorette.gov

Shannon Flaherty Heads to Financial Services

Congrats to our friend Shannon on her new gig at House Financial Services.

Mike Allen’s Playbook:

EXCLUSIVE: The Herald Group’s Shannon Flaherty will soon be returning to the Hill to serve as Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications for the House Financial Services Committee (Republicans). Flaherty, who previously served as a spokesperson for Majority Leader Tom DeLay, left the Hill in 2006. Taylor Gross, a co-founder and partner at the bipartisan firm, reports that Flaherty will be feted at a going away party this Thursday at – Bobby Van’s Grill.

Closing Bell: Tiger Text & Bill Clinton

People: Bill Clinton Offered His Support to Tiger Woods

Former President Bill Clinton offered his support to Tiger Woods in a phone call with the embattled golf star, a spokesman for the former president confirms.

NY Post: App Covers Your Tiger Tail

Want to cheat on your spouse, but not end up like Tiger Woods?

…

There’s an app for that.

TigerText: Cover Your Tracks [the App]

Page Six Blind Item Hits Close to Home

Just asking …

NY Post: WHICH members of Congress make regular, secret visits to Cuba as guests of Fidel Castro, flying in from nearby islands? Their passports aren’t stamped, so no one’s the wiser.

Happy Monday Morning

Did you have nightmares about gigantic inflatable Canadian Mounties and beavers taking over the world? [closing ceremonies]

What a run for USA Hockey! Our boys played their hearts out to earn a silver medal and gained millions of new fans in the process [Canada wins]

But keep your head up Washingtonians … the days are getting longer and things are looking up around these parts.

Here are a few things to be thankful about as you enjoy your morning coffee:

It didn’t snow three-feet this weekend [Snoverit]

…

Jay Z is coming to the Verizon Center [HOVA]

…

The Nationals will be playing baseball soon [outfield bar]

…

John Edwards favorite jam band is heading to DC this summer [Dave Matthews Band]

Now get out there and enjoy the week. And tell Chris Frates how much younger he looks [Pulse]

Congressional Baseball Game Changer [Smoltz]

This will probably make Coach Joe Barton’s day.

Former Atlanta Braves pitcher, John Smoltz, is rumored to be gearing up for a Congressional campaign. Smoltz is on the short list of candidates who may run for the House seat John Linder is vacating.

Atlanta Journal-Constitution: John Smoltz, United States Congressman?

This would definitely give the Republicans a much needed edge in the Annual Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game.

After losing eight straight years, the Democrats beat the Republicans 15 – 10 last year. Some were already calling it the beginning of a Congressional baseball dynasty.The addition of John Smoltz to the Republicans team could help put that dynasty on ice.

But not all former professional athletes have been successful in making the transition to the inside-the-beltway battle. Former University of Tennessee and Washington Redsksins QB, Heath Shuler, has struggled on the baseball diamond:

Roll Call (June 22, 2009):

Doyle spoke about Shuler’s obviously disappointing performance at the plate again this year. A former NFL quarterback, Shuler extended his lackluster performance in 2009, failing to get a hit in three at bats. His manager suggested the former Washington Redskin needs to work on his fundamentals before swinging for the fences.

Ouch.

Does the Braves ace still have it? Can we draft him in our fantasy baseball team? Fantasy Congress? Will he brush back Anthony Weiner? Will the price of his 1989 Upper Deck Rookie Card skyrocket?

Only time will tell …

We wish Mr. Smoltz all the best down in Georgia and hope to see him at Nationals Park soon.

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