Just What DC Needs
July 23, 2008
Another FamousDC glossy mag
Soon Washington will have another, yes another, fashion/social scene/party/lifestyle glossy. This time, the Washington Post franchise getting in the game. The Washington City Paper seems to have broken the news (with obligatory eye-rolling, of course) for FW (Fashion Washington). While the distribution model is a little disappointing, The Post isn’t ripping off The Examiner exclusively at all; the paper seems to be considering all of the models its competition uses - select mailings and select retail drops (you can pick up DC Magazine at Muleh on 14th Street and Capitol File at Erwin Gomez in Georgetown).
Take Your Tour Sticker Off
July 23, 2008
Douche in DC: Tourists on the Town
We all see tourists and can recognize them on the spot, whether it be because they are holding up a map, standing on the left, or wearing the obnoxious Capital tour stickers. However, sometimes they don’t do themselves any favors. This douchy tourist was spotted near the US Botanical gardens, with apparently every imaginable item strapped to her belt. Also, on the other side was a water bottle.
Breaking Bob Novak News
July 23, 2008
Robert D. Novak was cited after he hit a pedestrian with his black Corvette in downtown Washington D.C. Wednesday morning. [Go to Politico for more]
Weiner Hard On His Staff
July 23, 2008
According to the NY Times latest piece, Representative Anthony D. Weiner is an absolute joy to work for and admits, “I push people pretty hard.”
Mr. Weiner, a technology fiend who requires little sleep and rarely takes a day off, routinely instant messages his employees on weekends, often just one-word missives: “Teeth” (as in, your answer reminds me of pulling teeth) or “weeds” (as in, you are too much in the weeds). Never shy about belting out R-rated language, he enjoys challenging staff members on issues, even at parties.
It’s no wonder he leads the NY delagation when it comes to staff turn-over.
Jonathan Kaplan is Back
July 23, 2008
And probably giving a few Chief of Staffs heartburn this morning.
Politico: Taxpayers pay for reps big screen TVs
A leased Cadillac: $557 a month.
Chinese food for 230 colleagues: $1,425.
A 46-inch Sony flat-screen television: $2,805.
Having taxpayers foot the bill: priceless.
When I Grow Up
July 23, 2008
I’m going to be a blogger for the Redskins
Check it out — The Redskins Blog
Congrats to Matt Terl
That Didn’t Take Long
July 23, 2008
Citizens United launches “Hype”
Here’s the movie trailer:
Congrats Juniper Lane
July 22, 2008
Last Second Thoughts: Congratulations to DC’s Juniper Lane for scoring the opening gig at Coldplay’s August 3rd show at the Verizon Center
We Pass the Laws, We Don’t Live By Them
July 22, 2008
This story is sure to ruffle a few feathers - especially given the out of control gas prices lately.
It looks like the DNC and perhaps the RNC will get a pass on paying gas taxes when they each host their conventions in the next few months.
And just how are some reacting?
“The DNC is not government. The RNC is not government,” Faatz added. “They are political parties and they are putting on a huge party, and that is not providing services to each and every citizen each day.”
Stay tuned…
UPDATE: Teresa McFarland, a spokeswoman for the Minneapolis-St. Paul host committee, said they’re getting their gas at the pump.
“We’re not getting a tax break on fuel,” she said. “That’s not the set-up at this end.”
In Case You Didn’t Know
July 22, 2008
Frank Luntz is a BIG deal. He has many leather bound books and his apartment smells of rich mahogany.
Shenanigans: Who said the following?
“I’ve been getting yelled at that I need to take time for me. I work so hard I have great relationships.
Steve Wynn wants me to go on his yacht for a week– I can’t go. Mike Milken wants me to fly on his plane with him - I can’t go. I had dinner with Prince Charles a month ago – it was so hard to schedule, this is the prince, the future King of England, and I could barely schedule it. Warren Beatty, Jack Nicholson – it’s all jammed in. I’ve missed all these opportunities - I never have time to go. I’m not retiring in any way but I have reached 100 hours of work a week. And I’m going to do about 350,000 [flier] miles this year. Tally it up.”
FamousDC wonders if Prince Charles called Mr. Luntz after his self Google Alert went off.
Jill Chappell is FamousDC
July 22, 2008
Wolf Blitzer’s producer Jill Chappell might want to hire an agent pretty soon.
First she handles a LIVE call from Ellen and now she’s hanging with Tate Donovan.
Shenanigans: The Damages Edition
CNN booker in D.C. Jill Chappell got to visit actor Tate Donovan on his TV set of “Damages” in New York over the weekend. See? Good things do happen in Iowa. You get to meet people like Tate Donovan.
We’re Totally In Love With Barack, Too
July 22, 2008
The McCain camp just launched a couple of YouTube videos about the media’s love obsession with Barack Obama. And they want you to vote.
Do you love the idea?
VEEP STAKES Heating Up
July 22, 2008
The Evans-Novak Political Report is reporting that the McCain Veep pick will come this week:
Sources close to Sen. John McCain’s presidential campaign are suggesting he will reveal the name of his vice presidential selection this week while Sen. Barack Obama is getting the headlines on his foreign trip. The name of McCain’s running mate has not been disclosed, but Mitt Romney has led the speculation recently.
According to FamousDC sources …
Team McCain will wait until after Obama picks his VP and Obama’s pick is expected as soon as he returns from the Middle East.
Whatever happens, with only a little over three months left before the election and two conventions right around the corner, the daily hedging for the media’s attention will only heat up.
Latest from Daly, Manley, Smith, and Stew
July 22, 2008
Ben Pershing: Top Hill Aides Talk about the Week Ahead
Is the majority stifling the minority? That seems to be the theme of this week in both the House and Senate, where Republicans are agitating for a chance to get votes on their proposals to open up more domestic territory to oil and gas exploration. Democrats say they have their own plans to try to reduce energy prices, and Republicans should get on board rather than obstruct. The debate continues below, with contributions from aides to the top four congressional leaders.
Crazy C-Span Prank Calls
July 21, 2008
Keep the audio down if you’re in the office. We can’t believe the hosts never lose their cool.
These are a little dated, but they never get old.
Obama Staffers Aren’t That Into McCain Staffers
July 21, 2008
It works for James & Mary and Ken & Emily, but not for Obama and McCain staffers.
Eavesdrop DC: Cats and Dogs Living Together
17th and Pennsylvania:
Female DNC Worker: Hi, sir, do you have a minute for Barack Obama?
Guy: No, I’m a McCain supporter.
Female DNC Worker: Okay, well, have a great day!
Guy (stops): You’re cute though…what are you doing for dinner?
Female DNC Worker: ….seriously?
Mad Props to the Advance Teams
July 21, 2008
OK, so we need someone to ask Speaker Pelosi a question about global warming, and then we need Pelosi to check her blackberry, and then we need to have Al Gore’s voice come over the loud speaker, and then we need Gore to walk on stage and make a surprise appearance at Netroots Nation. And we need to pull this off without any of the media knowing until Gore walks out on stage.
Impossible?
Hotline On Call: Gore Makes Surprise Visit To Netroots Nation
Gore joked, “We oughta take that act on the road, Nancy,” to which Pelosi responded, “We are on the road!” Gore replied, “We are on the road, but I feel right at home, I’ll tell you.”
Ryan Grim Worked This Weekend
July 21, 2008
And ended up with a top of page Drudge Alert
Politico: Pelosi calls for high-level meeting with Iraqis
[Speaker Pelosi] “So with the prime minister saying it’s time for you to go,” she told the crowd, “I think it’s time for our country to sit down with the Iraqis and work that plan out. [We need to be] respectful of what the prime minister says, and respectful of the will of the American people, who have been against this war for a long time…[We should] have a high-level meeting with the Iraqis to work out the terms of our deployment out of Iraq…So, the end could be in sight.”
Jason Taylor Now Spinning for the Skins
July 21, 2008
Former Dancing with the Stars contestant and six-time Pro Bowl defensive end, Jason Taylor, is now a Washington Redskin. Don’t let the dance twirls fool you, Taylor was the 2006 NFL Defensive Player of the Year.
The D.C. Sports Page: The Tuna Sends Taylor Dancing to the Redskins
Jason Taylor now plays for the Washington Redskins. Taylor was traded for the 2009 second round pick and the 2010 sixth round pick. This appears to be a great deal especially since he told the Redskins that he did not need to renegotiate his contract and would play it out with the two years remaining on it.
Agent Zero Around the World
July 18, 2008
Agent Zero: Everybody Should Visit Manila
I came out of a quick retirement for this blog. I wanted to announce that I’m happy to remain a Washington Wizard.
…
Wizards fans, go ahead and renew your tickets. We got the team back, we’re going to be healthy and I don’t know what the slogan is for next year, so I can’t say it. Before I could say like “Ready to Rule” or “Go All In,” but they haven’t told me the new one yet, so I can’t say it.
Gilbert Arenas then tells us of his travels to Beiging, Hong Kong, Manila, Berlin, Amsterdam, and Barcelona.
Agent Zero also has advice for Pauly Shore:
Just remember people, if you want to feel like a king and feel like a star, you know where to go: Manila. So, Pauly Shore, after you finish reading this, you head to Manila to jumpstart your career, baby. You’ll be back in the business, baby. You’ll be doing Jury Duty 2 in no time.
While Your Gas Prices Went Up Last Night, Lawmakers Played Baseball
July 18, 2008
The 307th annual Congressional Geriatric baseball game took place last night at Nats stadium. And for what seems like the 25th year in a row, the Democrats lost.
And how do we know they lost? The House GOP covered the victory via Twitter and 10 exclamation points.
From GOP Conference Twitterberry: Celebrating the GOP’s win!!!!!!!!!!
We have no idea what this victory means - but it’s always good to see old people getting excited about meaningless victories - like passing legislation on renaming the latest post office.
UPDATE: A tipster tells us at last night’s game Rep. Tom Price helped treat a guy who got hit by a bat while in his seat in the stands. It’s unclear as to which athletically prone lawmaker let a bat fly into the stands. Email us a tips@famousdc.com if you know the answer.
UPDATE: Rep. Chip Pickering was the one who let the bat fly.
2008 Chris Cooley Beard Growing Contest
July 17, 2008
What else would an All-Pro NFL TE announce on his blog after a summer of marrying a cheerleader and hanging with Dale Earnhardt, Jr?
The Cooley Zone: 2008 Beard Growing Contest:
Well, only five days before training camp and I’ve been trying to get in the right mindset, but it’s tough! It seems like if I can do something stupid or silly it makes it easier to get through some of the days. I pulled off the long hair, I wore the shorts, there is always a couple sharpie tatoo days but now I’m ready for a new adventure…Greatest facial hair of training camp is going to be this years motif. After leaving Wyoming for my summer vacation I came home with quite a start on my new project. It’s been a little over two weeks since I’ve shaved and I’m as proud as I can be! One thing about my little endeavors is that it is much more fun if I can have a partner in crime, or as many participants as possible. So I’ve decided to start the Chris Cooley Beard Growing Contest.
DCCC Message Experts: We Can Hear You, But She Can’t
July 17, 2008
At first we thought the screen-grab blunder pictured below was the fault of the DCCC web team, but instead, maybe it’s a genius act of subliminal messaging.
There is no actual “quote” in the box because this poor child has gone deaf - and who’s to blame?
… the Bush Administration.
Politicizing the hearing impaired. Genius.
Famous Five [Reasons to Be Mean to DC Tourists]
July 17, 2008
The District Chatter recently came up with 5 reasons to be nice to tourists. One of our favorite tipsters took offense to this list and decided to respond to each of them.
District Chatter:
5. These people are spending money in our city. Sales tax equals cash flow. Money is money. Fix a pothole, change a light, pay my Government salary.
Brad Kanus: These tourist spend money with the people selling junk on the South Lawn. Because these tourist NEED a shirt that says “FBI” sweatshops in Indonesia are doing quite well. Thank you for your investment. Let’s not even talk about feeding the homeless and the inevitable process of digestion finishing itself in front of the doors of my building.
District Chatter:
4. Washington, D.C. was the destination of choice for these people. They want to be here because they thought it was nice. This Nation’s Capital is every American’s city.
Brad Kanus: These people choose to travel from more than 1,000 miles away to make you late for work. Tourists come to D.C. to stand left and walk against the light. They choose tour buses as their means of blocking off every lane in the entire city at 5:00 p.m.
District Chatter:
3. You represent our city. They will share their experiences with others. So, don’t be an asshole.
Brad Kanus: Be an asshole and maybe they won’t come back. If you’re lucky they well tell their country bumpkin friends too. Only YOU can prevent a tourist from ruining our summer.
District Chatter:
2. They didn’t do anything to you. Washington, D.C. is the only city I have encountered with the whacked walk on the left, stand on the right “rule”, tourists don’t know that.
Brad Kanus: Tourist cost you time, money and the occasional chat with DC’s finest when you smack one that doesn’t understand how crosswalks work. DC is the only city sophisticated enough to develop the “Walk Left, Stand Right” rule - the envy of every other city on earth.
District Chatter:
And the number one reason to be nice to tourists…
1. Karma- What goes around comes around.
Brad Kanus: And the number one reason to be mean to tourists…
They started it. I didn’t go to their hometown and ruin their day.
FamousDC Media Ticket [Round Up]
July 17, 2008
Last week we launched the FamousDC Media Ticket. Several of our favorite Web sites linked to it so we wanted to pay back the favor:
FishbowlDC:
Lord Save Us: Journos Running The White House?!?
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The folks at FamousDC have proven smarter at this whole “start a new blog” thing than we ever could have anticipated.
Save A Pulitzer For FamousDC
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Outstanding work by FamousDC for its new “Media Ticket.”
YA CAN’T MAKE IT UP –FAMOUS DC, the mystery website, posts its all-media fantasy administration, with Dana Milbank as V.P., Chuck Todd as White House chief of staff, Rick Klein as Secretary of Labor, Danielle Jones as Secretary of Transportation and Jonathan Martin as Secretary of Education. Someone who’s famous not just in D.C.: “Now THAT’S a good way to abolish the Department of Education.”
FamousDC’s Media Ticket!
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“The Beltway Community lives and dies by the words penned from Washington’s elite press corp - so isn’t about time we put our entire country’s livelihood in their hands?” — FamousDC
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And so the blog FamousDC is debuting their media campaign ticket tomorrow, and gave Shenan some teasers - they are hilarious.
Famous DC has posted their “Media Ticket” — who they envision making the best 2008 Administration if it were all journalists. At the top of the list — none other than Mike Allen, President. Good call and we’re certain he’ll leave office with a higher approval rating than any President in history. Overall, in our judgment, a well-rounded administration.
JibJab Has Done It Again
July 16, 2008
Some of their best work to date.
Hotdogs vs. PETA
July 16, 2008
On the hill today the American Meat Institute is sponsoring the Annual Capitol Hill Hot Dog Lunch. This means Members and staffers can stop by, grab a hot dog, and meet a baseball Hall of Famer.
Today is also a favorite day to every male hill staffer aged 22 -82, because PETA sends up their Lettuce Ladies to hand out veggie dogs right outside the Hot Dog Party. There aren’t any Hall of Fame baseball players at the PETA party, but there seems to always be a long line.
Ahh, America.
theHotfile Returns
July 16, 2008
We still don’t know who theHotfile is, but FamousDC’s favorite news producer turned YouTube news host has returned!
What’s Bazaar is the Photoshopped Flag
July 16, 2008
When not on the House Floor, Speaker Pelosi likes to play dress up (from the latest Harper’s Bazaar).
Hat tip - Anne Schroeder Mullins
It’s Safe To Get Online Again
July 16, 2008
Just when you thought nobody cared that your spam filter was over worked- finally, justice has been served.
A Brooklyn man was sentenced to 30 months in prison on Tuesday for sending spam e-mails to more than 1.2 million subscribers of America Online in a scheme that foiled the Internet company’s spam-filtering system.
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Vitale was caught making a deal with a government informant to send junk e-mails — known as spam — that advertised a computer security program in return for 50 percent of the product’s profits, prosecutors said.
Great concept. Terrible execution.
Facebook Update of the Week
July 15, 2008
Josie Hearn, former Politico reporter, needs someone to watch her VW:
Josephine Hearn is looking for a friend or trustworthy acquaintance to take her 14-year-old VW for 9 months while she is in NYC. $63/month pays the insurance.
Come Back, Hotfile
July 14, 2008
Some of our tipsters have emailed they’re worried about theHotfile. These tipsters want to know if Hotfile is OK, or if FamousDC scared her away. It has been over a week - come back hotfile!
If It’s Meet the Press
July 14, 2008
It’s time for advocacy ads.
Media buyers know their target audience and they’re drilling home the energy ads during the expensive MTP airing:
T. Boone Pickens - The Pickens Plan
Southern Company - Powered by Common Sense
Chevron - Human Energy
SVEZ - Energies of Progress
Association of American Railroads - Freight Rail Works
Next week Al Gore will be a guest on MTP. Will we see more clean coal, energy futures, and drilling? Or will it be all green and clean?
Monday Morning’s Talker
July 14, 2008
JoMa: Ya can’t make it up: The New Yorker says it’s satire. It certainly will be candy for cable news.
Did You Do Anything Embarrassing Over the Weekend?
July 14, 2008
Sunday’s Playbook:
SPOTTED - Doug Heye, doing the Macarena on the Jumbotron at Nationals Park.
Money Bags Agent Zero
July 14, 2008
Gilbert Arenas makes it official, signs six-year, $11 million deal with Wizards on Sunday.
Congratulations to Agent Zero and the Wizards. We’re glad to see local teams spend big money to keep our superstars in D.C.
Vermont’s Finest Makes His Big Screen Debut
July 11, 2008
Quit the day job, Pat. You’ve done good work here.
Has Barack Obama Met His Match?
July 11, 2008
We were fortunate enough to get Matt Harding, Internet super star, to slow down long enough to respond to a few of our questions. And while this post has nothing to do with the typical political tomfoolery we generally write about- it is about a young man’s determination to make a global impact - one smile at a time.
Read. Watch. Learn. And Dance.
FDC: Why is traveling abroad so important to you and would you ever consider developing an educational video game that helps children learn about cultural outreach? [Note: Before Matt set out on his journeys he was a video game designer]
Matt: I think a good first step is just showing kids that there are other places out there beyond what they’re familiar with, and that most of those places aren’t dangerous, war-torn, or desperately impoverished. The media creates a certain image of the outside world because their job is to report news, and “news” generally involves crisis. Part of what I’m trying to do is balance that skewed image by showing a lot of friendly, warm, smiling faces.
I think getting that message across can do more good than any video game I could work on.
FDC: Barack Obama has some pretty decent dances moves as well - but do you think you got him beat?
Matt: I’m not sure there’s anything I can do that Obama can’t do better, but I’d be willing to give it a shot.
FDC: We know not to ask what location was your favorite, but is there someone in the past few years, who you’ve particularly enjoyed meeting?
Matt: I got to meet George Lucas last week. He didn’t have a clue who I was and he didn’t particularly care. He was busy measuring conference room furniture with his tape measure, but it was an honor to shake his hand.
I also got an email once from someone claiming to be Walter Cronkite. He just said he enjoyed what I’m doing. I suppose someone could have easily been posing as him, but really, what kind of deranged lunatic pretends to be Walter Cronkite?
FDC: See, that was painless, right?
Matt: Yup.
We Found Matt Harding
July 10, 2008
Yesterday we posted, “Where the Hell is Matt” - and gave you a glimpse into the fascinating life of one of the internet’s freshest stars. Reported by CBS here. Huff here and the NY Times here.
His name is Matt Harding - and his mission, simple - bring smiles to the faces of those around the globe.
Like the rest of our readers - we quickly grew to love Matt’s mission - so we set off to find him on the world wide web. His website claims he reads all his emails, but lately, because he’s so busy, only responds to 1% of them. A popular guy indeed.
Well, in between CBS television appearances and the all the rest of the media attention in NYC, we’re happy to say, Matt found time for us- and we’re officially “one percenters”.
Check back tomorrow for our featured interview with the Dancing man. You won’t want to miss it - especially when we ask him if he’s a better dancer than Barack Obama.
In the meantime, if you’re not one of the 6.5 million people who viewed his latest “Dancing” video - it’s about time you did. It’ll bring a smile to your face. Or if you’re like Dan Brown from the Huffington Post, perhaps it might even move you to tears.
Famous DC’s Media Ticket
July 10, 2008
Introducing the “FamousDC Media Ticket.” If your favorite journalist didn’t make this list - perhaps they’ll make the next - or perhaps, they’re not working hard enough.
President - Mike Allen, Politico
The hardest working media personality needs the top office. He’s moral, honest, and trustworthy - to a fault. We need a President who will send 1,000 emails per day to answer the American citizens’ questions and concerns. We need daily morning summaries that include White House tee ball updates. We need a President who carries extra blackberry batteries with him, because he always outworks his PDA. We need a President who sleeps only because he’s forced to. We need Mike Allen 2008!
Vice President - Dana Milbank, Washington Post
We’re not sure what the Vice President does, but it sure would be entertaining to watch Dana in office. Milbank’s vlogs from “undisclosed locations” would be the modern day fireside chat. Milbank, who also boasts a solid pedigree, with a degree from Yale, is also a rumored member of the Skull and Bones - a secret quality needed by any potential Vice President.
White House Chief of Staff - Chuck Todd, NBC
Imagine coming into a Monday morning staff meeting at 5:45 a.m. and Chuck Todd has graphs and numbers for you as you’re choking down your first cup of coffee. Amazing. All leaked documents will finally make sense and will be justified with graphs, numbers, and awkward hand motions. We’ll follow the goater to the grave.
White House Press Secretary - Patrick Gavin, Washington Examiner
Pat already scoops most of Washington with his real time updates. We need him in front of the cameras daily for the gaggle. Cameras will be waiting for Gavin to announce the annual online contest to determine the hottest WH beat reporters.
Secretary of State - Emily Heil, Roll Call
This position requires lots of travel and protocol. Emily is perfect for the job, especially since the American people want the scoop. Who was over-served in South America? Which dignitary lost his luggage in Dubai? State press conferences would become must watch TV.
Secretary of Defense - Jeff Emanuel, Red State
Jeff has not only served his country, but has been to Iraq numerous times and knows what life is like for a US soldier. It takes a brave mindset like his to oversee the Pentagon - not to mention, any Secretary willing to live-blog from the front lines, is a man to follow.
Attorney General - Wolf Blitzer, CNN
We don’t know if Wolf has a law degree, but we believe every word out of his mouth. He’d fix whatever needs to be fixed and the 12 screens and custom animation that accompanied him would have the American people on his side.
Secretary of the Treasury - Charlie Mitchell, Roll Call
Charlie is leading a team that makes the most money in Washington and will have no problem getting the Economist to back him up. If Secretary Mitchell is the man tasked with debating currency exchanges with China - we’ll always stay in the black.
Secretary of the Interior - Anne Schroeder Mullins, Politico
The Second Secretary of the Interior was Thomas McKean Thompson McKennan, so we figured the “all media ticket” could use someone with two awesome last names. The Secretary of the Interior also oversees the National Park Foundation. And when you think of parks, you think of fun and when you think fun, well, you think of that gal with two last names.
Secretary of Agriculture - Perry Bacon, Washington Post
Who better than Secretary Bacon to investigate the tomato recall? Nobody cares about tomato more than Bacon. Nobody. Perry Bacon is from Kentucky and knows the plight of the southern farmer. He’s also another Yalie on the Allen-Milbank ticket so the DC dinner party circuit will stay intact. Secretary Bacon will be known throughout the world as “Secretary BLT.”
Secretaries* of Commerce - Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser, Washington Post
Listen, we understand there is more at stake here than sports, but does anyone really care? Within the first 100 days they’ll implement a PTI-esque daily show to explain to Americans what is happening to their hard earned money. Who doesn’t want a rundown of where to invest and when to buy another round at the bar? Tony Reali will become a household name after his “Stat Boy” updates tell people which stocks to dump in the morning before dropping pitchers in their baseball fantasy league. “Goodnight, Canada”
Secretary of Labor - Rick Klein, ABC
Secretary Klein will be the Boy Wonder of the Media Administration. A Long Island native, Klein knows the hardships of the American workforce. His Princeton degree also deepens the Ivy League bench of the Allen - Milbank ticket.
Secretary of Health and Human Services - Nora McAlvanah, The Hotline
When it comes to your well-being - they say laughter is the best medicine - and that’s exactly what Nora does day in and day out as editor of Hotline’s Wake Up Call and Last Call. Nora will likely have this country in tiptop shape within months of taking office.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Christian Bourge, Congress Daily
The HUD Secretary should have an affinity for good cigars and a working knowledge of New Orleans jazz musicians. Ok, none of that will help with the job, but the HUD bureaucrats would all benefit from Secretary Bourge’s background. Originally from Louisiana, he will continue to rebuild New Orleans. Secretary Bourge will strengthen the Allen - Milbank ticket and will pull the tobacco farmer vote.
Secretary of Transportation - Danielle Jones, Politico
When it comes to moving, shaking and keeping the trains running on time - there’s nobody more qualified than this young lady. A veteran of political journalism - Danielle has seen and reported on her share of congressional train wrecks at the Hotline - so she’s more than ready to tackled the nation’s gridlock.
Secretary of Energy - Howard Mortman, Extreme Mortman
The Secretary of Energy is an integral part of any Administration, so you need someone who has a lot of energy to spare. His Extremeness never rests - posting from vacation, the powder room and several stops in between; it’ll take Extreme insight in order to manage the corner office on Independence Avenue.
Secretary of Education - Jonathan Martin, Politico
Designer Fast Food in Every Classroom! Secretary JoMa will make sure all children eat Chick-fil-a for lunch and then spend the next half hour practicing leg kicks to really awful 80’s music. We’re not sure what the kids will learn from this, but the nationwide webcast will be smash-time awesome.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs - Susan Davis, Wall Street Journal
It takes the grit of a Wall Street Journal reporter to tackle this job. Davis is known far and wide as a fair and balanced journalist - the exact qualities one needs to handle the job of Veteran Affairs Secretary. She’s also developed very good relationships within the Pentagon - which can’t hurt.
Secretary of Homeland Security - Jim Mills, The Hill
Nobody loves his country more than Jim Mills and he’ll do anything to protect it. Don’t expect to see any more duck tape press conferences with Secretary Mills at the podium - we’re in for a lot of good old fashioned US of A yelling!
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency - Juliet Eilperin, Washington Post
Juliet covered the environment since it was the smelly little thing that nobody talked about. Now she has environmental issues always on the WaPo’s front page. If we’re ready for real reform we want Administrator Eilperin at the helm.
Director of Management and Budget - David Rogers, Politico
David Rogers should be President, but he knows he’ll have more of an impact as Director. He will run circles around Obey, Lewis and the approps gang. He’ll make sure the money goes where it should. Forget earmarks - everything will run through Director Rogers…and the country will be better for it.
Director of National Drug Control Policy - Ryan Grim, Politico
This will be fun to watch. Director Grim will need a good press secretary if anyone is looking for a job. His weekly Eastern Shore Ken Kesey parties will become Page Six fodder.
United States Trade Representatives - Jackie Kucinich, The Hill; Erin McPike, Congress Daily
We understand there is only one USTR, but have you ever seen Jackie and Erin not together? We’ve heard reports since their freshmen year at American that they’re inseparable. So, we’re making two USTRs, but they’ll always travel together. Washington’s “It Girls” are too much to keep in the beltway. We support these appointments solely on the fact of future Facebook updates from abroad.
Chairman, Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System - Carl Hulse, New York Times
Does Carl understand foreign markets? We don’t know, but we do know his hair will never be out of place. Markets need stability like that.
Commissioner of the Social Security Administration - Markos Moulitsas Zuniga - Daily Kos
Mr. Kos has figured out how to solve the rest of the world’s problems from his laptop, so let’s give him a go at Social Security. It will be broke in a few years and if anyone can crash the gate - it’ll be Kos.
Director of National Intelligence - John Stanton, Roll Call
We understand the DNI is usually an active duty commissioned officer in the armed forces, but we have a feeling Stanton, an American bad ass who ain’t scared of a damn thing, knows people that know people - if you know what we mean.
