Fantasy Football Rant

Sorry for the two week absence. I pulled a Rick Williams and was detained by African Authorities until they confirmed that I was not in fact Bob Saget. I did learn that banging an Olson twin isn’t a dream confined to the 57 states we call America.

Let’s skip the foreplay and go directly to the crying and apologies.

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Fantasy Football 09 – Pre-Season Rant

By: Brad Kanus

There’s nothing better than fantasy football to get your mind off the rapidly collapsing social foundation of our nation. I’m still not able to keep solid food down since seeing a CNN report featuring my uncle Fred and my grandmother at a rally where the anchor accused them of “teabagging” together.  My uncle Fred has indicated that he was in fact guilty as charged.  Thanksgiving is going to be a lot weirder than usual.

With that said, I’m ready to move on to the important things in life – draft day.  We may not be big wigs with nice suits sitting around a table figuring salary caps against draft position, but we’re close.  Which brings me to the question – Why doesn’t the NFL provide each team with a better phone on draft day?  Hotels and the NFL must be the only purchasers of that phone your mom replaced in 1986 with a cordless phone the size of a shoebox.   There’s something wrong with declaring that you’re about to offer a guy a $20 million signing bonus via a $6 phone.  The guys at Pizza Hut are conducting their business with better technology (this is not an endorsement of Pizza Hut, but if you were inspired to purchase a pizza from Pizza Hut please tell Pizza Hut that we inspired you to do so.  We need money for more fantasy magazines).

Draft day isn’t the make or break point in your season like many of you believe.  No, when you put all your eggs in a Brett Favre basket in a moment of desperation in the fifth week because Brees has a bye – that’s when you make or break your season.

I wanted to break down each player, but that ain’t going to happen so half the time I just shit on the whole team at once.  Enjoy

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Rantworthy: Open Letter to the Airline Industry

Something on your mind? Need to Rant? Email famousdc@gmail.com

Rantworthy: Open Letter to the Airline Industry

Dear Airline Industry,

It’s been a while since we talked and I’d like to address a few issues with you if you’ll take time out of your busy schedule of practicing the hammer throw with my luggage.

I applaud the industry’s commitment to technology and convenience.  The new kiosks for electronic check-in are a phenomenal idea.  Too bad not all good ideas are in turn good in practice.  For 50 percent of travelers the kiosks are very easy to use and understand.  For the other half of travelers it’s like handing them a Rubik’s Cube and New York Times crossword puzzle to solve before they can get on an airplane.  It’s the later half that slows everyone else down.

Many travelers have to speak with a human before they get on a plane. It’s just the way they are.  Instead of having 20 kiosks and two ticketing agents, you need two kiosks and 20 gate agents.  While we can only guess how many travelers may know how to use your electronic check-in system, we know exactly how many of your ticketing agents can.  Let the people who cause the traffic jams at the kiosk go suffer through your ticketing agent typing on her computer for 30 minutes to produce two boarding passes and one baggage claim check.  The rest of us will gladly use the kiosk because we have the requisite experience operating a microwave and can deal with the technology. Read more

Rantworthy: Um, You Do Understand They’re Not Going to Drop Them Off in Times Square With Twenty Bucks and Two Tickets to Rent, Right?

The following rant was submitted by a very passionate citizen.  It comes to you in its entirety.

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In joining other House Republicans to pitch legislation that would effectively block any Git-mo detainees from "touching" U.S. soil, Rep. Pete King on Thursday went for the lowest of the low hanging fruit:

“The thought of having any number of these detainees… being literally in the shadow of Ground Zero I find not just offensive but also extremely dangerous,” King said.

Yep, ’cause there’s nothing more dangerous to New Yorkers than the — gasp — thought of prisoners being detained anywhere near the island.  Oh, wait, except, of course, for the 18,000 regular prisoners jailed… er, on the island.

I guess he means that suspected terrorist will somehow be held less securely than your typical kind of prisoner?  Or did King just admit that it’s really easy to slip out of jail in New York (if so I’ve been going about my visits to the Big Apple ALL wrong)?

Rantworthy: Ticked Off Metro Rider

Missed Connection: Sorry I Thought You Were a Hooker

We’ve been known to get some interesting tips, but this one takes the cake.

The tip, along with the Craigslist "Missed Connection" ad was entitled: "Sorry I Thought You Were a Hooker."  It’s a story of a male DC resident who’s desperately trying to reunite with a young lady he recently met in Las Vegas. He mistakenly thought she was a prostitute.  It’s priceless.

Sorry I Thought You Were a Hooker

Me: mid-20’s, brown hair, brown eyes, glasses
You: early 20’s, blonde hair, black and gold dress (very shiny)
Where: Jet Night Club, The Mirage, Las Vegas
When: Recently

Vegas can make a guy crazy. So when your group of 4 smokin’ blondes and one brunette melded with the bachelor party group I was in, I immediately thought you were all hookers. So first of all, sorry for instantly assuming you sold your body for money. To be fair, though, your dresses were very short, and your hair was very blonde. Also, you were friendly, which is rare in this world of stuck up short skirted blonde bitches.

Also, my self-esteem is similar to that of an anorexic 16 year old girl whose sister just won the Miss America pageant and whose parents refer to her as "Our Little Miss Piggy." So you know, the thought that any girl as good looking as you would want to talk to me without financial compensation never crossed my mind. Add in the fact that we were in Vegas, and you can understand my suspicions.

Anyway, we started chatting. You told me where you went to school and that you sold complex financial instruments for a certain large company. That should have been my first clue that you weren’t a hooker. Honestly, could there be a less sexy profession? I’m no expert, but I would think a hooker would have a more alluring cover story or "day job." And your friend who just started law school at Georgetown? Also clearly not a hooker. I owe her an apology, too, so pass this along.

Somehow, through the noise, foam and red bull and vodkas, we connected…I told you I think most people suck, and you agreed…you said you hate popped collars, and I swooned. I said I hate douchery of all kinds, and you grabbed my ass.
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Rantworthy: Confessions of a Silver Ticket Survivor

Here at FamousDC, we not only get tips, story ideas and other inappropriate electronic messages, but sometimes we’re sent very colorful emails from readers who simply want to rant about something that has them all fired up.

The latest submission comes from Travis Hare.  And while his story is less of a rant, it’s definitely well worth the read.

Remember, everyone wants their 15 minutes of fame, so if you’ve got something on your mind, fire away at tips@famousdc.com.

Confessions of a Silver Ticket Survivor 

By Travis Hare

While DC pats itself on the back for its bang-up handling of the inaugural events this past week, there are no doubt thousands, if not hundreds of thousands who find they hold a different opinion. By now most of you have heard about the plight of the Silver tickets holders. I, along with my small band of brave, liberal, silver-ticket-baring friends had set out that morning to see the new president, our president, take his rightful place. Yes, it’s true that we were redirected all over the city, being turned away from one check-point after another by a series of misinformed police officers and “organizers.” When we asked police how to get where they told us to go, the most common response was that they had no clue; most were not even from DC. Finally we were all corralled into the Third Street Tunnel, up and over the interstate exit and toward the Silver Gate. Then there were the lines. With only an hour-an-a-half until Obama’s speech, we found ourselves at the end of a line that stretched no less than two-miles from the gate.

We waited patiently, if pessimistic about our chances, to get into the event that we’d all been waiting months for, or lets face it, eight years for. With time running out and the line barely moving, it became clear to most that we were going to be shut out. We had all started the morning off feeling pretty good about the world, waking early, our tickets in hand, new president only hours from being sworn in. We’d crammed ourselves onto suffocating Metro trains, walked miles and miles with little to no direction, and waited in line, tired and cold, but happy and excited nonetheless. Now we saw people passing us by in the opposite direction, waving Silver Tickets at us, telling us to turn back, that the gates had been closed. A collective panic and crushing depression was beginning to fall over the crowd. It was impossible not to feel frustrated, our hard won tickets, our brutal morning, all for nothing? In one last desperate effort, some of us headed for the gate to find out more information. What we found was utter chaos, total and complete. There was no organization, just a massive horde of people – thousands of people – demanding to get in. The fact that we had waited in line at all felt like a cruel joke.

The rest after the jump…

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Rantworthy: A Congressional Sketch

It looks as if our tip line is working overtime these days.  The latest tip comes in the form of a rant.  Our favorite part, the “Global Warming” musical.

A Congressional Sketch

Is it getting hot in here? (Yes)

Outside, the first snow of winter dusted Washington streets and a 10-degree low was coming, but inside the big congressional hearing room the climate was decidedly warmer as the U.S. Climate Action Partnership brought its traveling press conference to the House Energy and Commerce Committee.

Thursday’s worst kept secret in town was the USCAP cap-&-trade proposal, which had found its way to The Washington Post the day before — standard PR for Washington — but not to the committee until 7:30 that morning and “embargoed until 9 a.m.” at that.  But what the hey? Patent medicine never turned sour just because the bottle was uncorked early.

9 a.m. was a convenient moment for the embargo to evaporate because that’s when USCAP had scheduled its first news conference of the day. Then it picked up and hauled itself down Independence Avenue for the next press availability…uh, hearing.

In fact, what unfolded in Room 2123 of the Rayburn Building was a true hearing, complete with witnesses called to testify. Except it wasn’t the sort of hearing that happens by the hundreds around the Capitol on most workdays.

This time the majority Democrats’ message to the minority Republicans was pointedly less democratic than Democratic, i.e., sorry, you don’t get to call any witnesses unless they can answer questions about a document that nobody will give them; so we’ll all just make do with the mega-enviros and corporate honchos supplied by USCAP’s lobbying operatives from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m., when it’s time for their planes to start flying them away to far places.

The usual opening statements by committee members launched at 9:15 a.m., but USCAP was in town to talk, not listen, so while the Congress spoke, the 14 witnesses were engaged with the press elsewhere. Their absence didn’t dissuade junior committee Democrats from telling 14 empty chairs what fine work USCAP had been accomplishing.

There was much looking forward.

“I look forward to being back when our witnesses will testify,” U.S. Rep. Jane Harman, D-Calif., told the furniture, because “USCAP will help us create legislation.”

“I look forward to hearing from each of today’s witnesses,” added U.S. Rep. Doris Matsui, D-Calif.

“I look forward to the testimony today, and applaud the members of USCAP,” U.S. Rep. Zack Space, D-Ohio, said.

U.S. Rep. Betty Sutton, D-Ohio, seemed more rooted in the present, pointing out to the chairs that it “is critically important to have these folks here today.”

Returning to the theme, U.S. Rep. John Sarbanes, D-Md., concurred that “I look forward to hearing these witnesses from USCAP” and “we really don’t have any time to wait, and humans are capable of delaying on all fronts.”

The humans showed up to populate the witness table 20 minutes later.

USCAP’s amalgamation of political activism and corporate lobbying wasn’t always the darling of happy liberals. Last summer, National Public Radio took a look and seemed less impressed. A Morning Edition piece reported that…

“In this debate of economic theory versus business bottom-line, one big advocate of cap-and-trade is USCAP, the alliance of 21 corporations plus some environmental groups. Economist Bruce Yandle, dean emeritus of the business school at Clemson University in South Carolina, calls it a union of ‘bootleggers and Baptists.’ Yandle refined the ‘bootleggers and Baptists’ theory of government regulation years ago. He named it in honor of those most dedicated to closing small-town liquor stores on Sundays.

“‘The bootleggers love it because it gives them a market one day of the week, and the Baptists like it because of a fervent belief that a diminution in the consumption of alcohol would be a good thing.’ Nowadays, the environmental groups are Yandle’s ‘Baptists,’ and the corporations are his ‘bootleggers.’ And if cutting America’s thirst for fossil fuels is a good thing, the corporate ‘bootleggers’ want to help set the agenda.” — Morning Edition, June 13, 2007

At hearing’s end, bootleggers and the prohibitionists headed for their cars and airplanes, but some of the issues they left on the table remained murky. No one mentioned how much cash coalition-member American International Group (AIG) had contributed to the lobbying effort, and how much of that might be coming from the insurance giant’s $85 billion government bailout.  Perhaps because the delicate sensibilities involved in using its bailout billions to lobby Congress on global warming, AIG hadn’t turned up at either Part 1 or Part 2 of the movable news conference.

As the big room emptied of witnesses, questioners, cameras and reporters, in a corner a staffer with a notepad sat and hummed an old show tune and wrote down some words:

Global Warming, the Musical

Well, look what’s comin’ down the river now.
Big stern-wheeler on the water, wow!
Big steam whistle gonna blow, man, blow.
Heat wave’s a-comin’. Let the people know!

Shooooooow-boat!
Movin’ loud and fast,
emittin’ just a tiny bit a
green-house gas.

Shooooooow-boat!
Strutin’ for the crews
shootin’ big stories
for the evenin’ news.

Fantasy Football Rantworthy: Still the Playoffs

If your league is like mine, you’re in the second round of the playoffs where the next two games are combined.  This means it’s down to the wire and you need fantasy miracles that would dwarf the virgin birth of Jesus H. Christ.

In one of my leagues (yes, I wrote the plural of “league” – I’m not concerned about the health of my marriage… obviously) I am in the championship.  It’s me versus some Filipino kid and we are talking mad sh*t.  He starts every rebuttal to my Phillip Riversesque sh*t talking with, “I’m not Chinese!”  Such a sensitive culture those Asians are.

It’s go time for a lot of you.  Let recap who peed standing up last week and who was sitting down

1.  Ryan Fitzpatrick happens to be the QB of the Cincinnati Bengals.  Who would have thought that arresting Blagojevich would be worth 20 fantasy points!  Do not put your season on this guy.

2.  Speaking of the Bengals… They bit the arms off of the Skins like they were a toddler feeding Siegfried and Roy’s tiger.   That was lame.  I admit it.  It’s just hard to make jokes about toddlers being disarmed by tigers unless you are from Texas.  To us it’s freaking hilarious and an honor second only to your son being named quarterback of your local high school’s team.  Double points if your kid’s name just happens to be named “Mox” too.

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Rantworthy: Always Sunny In Phoenix

Note:  If you have a rant or something you think is post worthy, email it to us at tips@famousdc.com or drop it in the comment section.  As long as it doesn’t sound like a 3 year-old wrote it, you might just get front page love, like our friend PhoenixSunsPhan.

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Hey FamousDC gurus. Everyone’s freaking out back in D.C. Here’s how you stop thinking about Twitter and start thinking about something tangible. Feel free to email, fax, print and shred this post. I don’t care. I would normally put in an “Ali G” quip RIGHT HERE, but he’s not cool anymore. So here the deal. It’s entertaining, I promise…

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

I’m sitting here drinking a cup of Zabar’s coffee by the pool reflecting on the outcome of the election and its meaning for the GOP. I like to sit in the morning silence, see the reflections in the water and the sun making the mosaic at the bottom of my pool seem to glow (I don’t know why I wrote that, but it looks that way, so deal with it, dude. Read on.) I reflect and look back at situations in order to analyze them. It also soothes the nerves after having been up all night watching the NIKKEI drop like rock… wondering if I should buy Ford stock so I can get a good dividend paying stock for less than two bucks before Pelosi bails them out and the stock soars again.

I’m sitting by the pool and I see paranoia grip GOP intelligentsia *cough*. I see people overreacting to a situation so easily rectifiable (don’t pull a Beavis and Butthead here) that it boggles the mind. I see Patrick Ruffini, Sean Oxendine, Erick Erickson and a sandlot of alleged strategists fighting like kids in a playground over the need for GOP “realignment” and “a complete change in strategy.” It seems to me like they’re trying to advance their personal objectives, but that’s a subject too long to discuss here.

Sure, the conservatives got sonned (look it up at urbandictionary.com) by Barack Obama. As the illustrious Tupac Shakur (may his name be praised) once said: “Lemme break it down for you, homie.” Here it is:

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Fantasy Football Rantworthy – Week 10

It’s a sad commentary that a site with such great potential, like FamousDC most certainly has, continues to ignore the fantasy football and focus instead on transition teams and jobs for journalists after the election.  This site should be instead focused on the transition from regular season football to the playoffs.  We should be focusing on which crappy coaches will be calling the plays for a high school team next year and which coaches are going to be interviewed for the Cowboys’ job.

The utter lack of focus on the real issues is something I expected out of the two buffoons running for office. I did not, however, expect FamousDC to fall face forward into its own puddle of you know what.

Since the folks over at FamousDC have established themselves as “watchers,” I’ll once again take the role of “doer,” and dazzle you with my Adrian Peterson-like fantasy football analysis.

Take a deep breath…… get it on

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Fantasy Football Rantworthy – Week 9

No intro this week.  This is serious.

1.  I bet you started Larry Johnson again this week instead of dropping his duck footed ass for Ray Rice-and beans of the Baltimore Ravens.  Mr. Rice-and beans scooted himself to 17 fantasy points without scoring a touchdown.  Get yourself a nice flour tortilla and keep an eye on Ray Rice-and beans.
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2.  Do you remember Koren Robinson?  Don’t worry, he was hammered when he met you and doesn’t remember you either.  Robinson was kicked off the Viking’s team for drinking like a 45 year-old divorced shoe salesman about a year ago.  Somehow he’s back with the Seahawks who are so thin at wide receiver they put a call into former Rep. Steve Largent to see if he’d step in and help.  Robinson put up 16 points on 4 catches for a 105 yards and a TD.  Don’t draft him.  Listen to me.  You don’t just quit being a superstar athlete with a frat boy drinking problem – it never happens.  Ask John Daly.
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3. Calvin Johnson is averaging more than 11 fantasy points a game for you; IF you were lucky enough to see this guy sitting on the wire a few weeks ago.  Since the departure of Roy Williams to the hapless Cowboys, Calvin has been great.  Notably not in impressed with Calvin’s performance – Hobbes.
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4.  I waited until the very end of Monday night’s game to put these words to paper – Kurt Warner nets top fantasy points this week at age 63.  The Denny’s Early Bird Special spokesperson was 23 of 34 for 342 and two (dos, 2) TDs for a whopping 21 fantasy points.  I’m guessing his wife is on the phone with St. Louis radio stations right now talking mad shit.  If you don’t get that last reference to Warner’s elderly wife, then you need to take your latte drinking ass out of my post and go find a soccer game to watch.
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5.  I guess we sharted the pants with Jay Cutler this year.  Starting him every week hoping he’s going to slap 30 plus on the board is getting to be like wishing your wife skinny – not going to happen.
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6.  Tyler Thigpen (QB Chiefs) may play for the worst team in the NFL, and quite possibly the ACC, but he’s put up back to back 21 point games.  Do what you think you need to do here; just don’t blame me when he defecates in his place of rest.
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7.  RBs were a mixed bag this week with no one really setting the place on fire.  One name that is at the top of the list is Broncos’ running back Peyton Hillis (he’s white and a RB).  Peyton “Whitey” Hillis scored 17 fantasy points and took not one ball in the backfield.  For some reason Shanahan had “Whitey” lining up as a receiver the entire day and he managed to score some points.  Would I go out and get Peyton “the White Devil” Hillis off of the waiver wire?  No.  Remember, this is Mike Shanahan we’re talking about here.  One day this guy is the featured back, and the next he’s in Detroit stealing his replacement’s luggage.  If you didn’t get that last reference – get the hell off this post and go find a tennis forum somewhere before I summon Chuck Todd.
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8.  Green Bay loses to the Tennessee Titans in overtime.  No Favre and no Titans I can name off hand = watching Cops for three hours straight on the cable channel for hillbillies.
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9.  Cowboys lose again this week.  There’s a 50/50 chance they don’t rack up a loss during their bye week.  If Wade Phillips doesn’t have his office packed already, he’s dumber than we thought.  You know what separates Al Davis and Jerry Jones? About 1,400 miles and a fashion consultant.
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10. Big Ben Rothletsgogetaburger’s passer rating for week nine was 15.1.  His fantasy haul was six.  I don’t care if he is the QB with a backwards hat “OG,” he sucks.  The only thing worse than Big Ben’s performance was the opposing QB’s effort.  Jason Campbell got a four.  Yes a four.  Quatro.  Combined these guys were worth one tight end name Derek Fine who put 10 fantasy points for Buffalo.
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11. Kyle Orton… damn you Orton! Injured!  I better not find you in your mother’s basement playing Guitar Hero for 15 hours straight while you’re recovering.
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12.  There were nine defenses this week in the NFL that scored 10 or more fantasy points.  At this point in the season LT has only three more fantasy points than the Bucs’ defense.
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13.  How’s that early Reggie Bush draft pick grabbing you right now?  About the same as those who picked up Romo too early.  There’s something about dating chicks with reality shows.  Maybe LenDale White should have eaten Reggie after college to create a really fat and agile running back who can catch the ball and date Persian chicks with ghetto accents.
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14.  HOLD THE PRESSES!  The NFL soccer brigade managed to have 10 kickers with 10 or more points and not one of them were named Gramatica. Some guy named Dan “I used to be a Jewish” Carpenter put up 17 for the Miami Tuna.  So much for the soccer part of the game being unproductive.
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15.  The Raiders had 77 yards of total offense last week.  This is getting out of hand.  They should move back to L.A. and sneak USC into the locker room every Sunday.  Art Shell said to be waiting by the phone.
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16.  The Cleveland Skid Marks have decided to bench last year’s one game phenom, Derek Anderson in favor of their highly paid benchwarmer, Brady Quinn.   Matt Leinart could not be reached for comment, he was busy laying out with the Cardinals cheerleaders behind the practice field.
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17.  Favre again employed his, “throw the ball to the other team to win,” strategy to great success against buffalo last week.  He scored six fantasy points on the way to your loss.  It’s been five weeks since his 33 point explosion against the Cardinals – he’s due.  I take that back.  No, he’s due.  No…  Something big will happen and some wranglers will be sold no matter what.
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18.  The Broncos and the Browns do battle in a Thursday night game this week.  You won’t see it because the sinking economy means you can’t afford to get the NFL channel.  Somebody tell the NFL that they’re going to have to do better than Broncos vs. Browns to get me to shell out cash to see the game.

Fantasy Football Rantworthy – Week 8

Finally, a good fantasy week for me.  I’m not saying I dropped a lot of points and beat my opponents into submission – I’m simply letting you know that they sucked as much as I did this week.

1. Kellen Winslow Jr., Plaxico Burress and Vernon Davis all missed time this past week because their coaches wanted to prove some kind of point about being a “team player.”  I must submit that this is utter bullsh*t.  Let the NBA lead the way in “role models,” I don’t play fantasy basketball.

Coaches should know about the two things that infuriate fantasy football owners.  Obviously the first thing is the “running game by committee.”   The second thing is benching vital players for anything other than sucking ass ON THE FIELD.

2. Keeping with the benching of solid players theme… A guy like Plaxico Burress should get an automatic five points for the game if he unexpectedly sits out the game, or half, because his coach is being a big fat baby.  It’s only fair.   Coughlin, by the way, would be getting a royal ass chewing right now if they had lost with Plaxico spending the first quarter on the bench.

3. Big Ben Rothletsgogetaburger had a rough day. Because our friend Ben sold his soul to the devil and had an amazing rookie season, he’s now slowly having his real rookie season for the rest of his entire career.  I hope you enjoyed Ben’s three point fantasy blowout with a nice warm bowl of Campbell’s Chunky Soup.
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Fantasy Football Rantworthy – Week 7

McCain and Obama seem to be somewhat close in the polls as they head into the 4th quarter.  It’s anybody’s game and we might have to go into overtime on this one (House breaks Electoral College tie).  I could only dream of that scenario happening with any of my fantasy teams.

I’m so out of first I have people in my leagues trying to offer me ridiculous trades for my top guys.  Here’s a trade proposal I got the other day and the subsequent exchange:

League member – “Brad, since you are out of it and probably won’t win another game… do you think you could send me Clinton Portis for Johnny Lee Higgins?”
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Brad – “Who the holy F is “Johnny Lee Higgins?  NO!  I will win a few more for sure. My bye weeks are over.”
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League member -  “Seriously, you’re done.  You’re wife beat you 114 -32 and her #1 draft pick was on a bye. She picked him because she thought he had a good name for your first born.  Maybe you could distribute your players evenly among those of us still in it.”
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Brad – “So you are bringing up my wife now.  I see.  F YOU.  Leave little JaMarcus out of this.”
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My wife – “I just got an email from “league member” and I agree with him, you should make that trade.  I’ll give you Croyle for Cutler.  You need admit when you are done. I’ll mention that to our counselor.”
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Brad – “I can not BELIEVE you’d turn on me like this.  I’m taking my cat and staying with my parents.  Croyle?  I don’t even know you anymore – tell the counselor that.”

Shall we get down to business?
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Fantasy Football – Week 7

What a week in NFL Fantasy Football.  We’re all worried about the market crash and my team made John McCain’s numbers look pretty damn good.  I’m dropping like a tub of concrete in the harbor with an Italian attached to it.

To say I’m losing interest in my various leagues is an understatement.  However, I do realize that my fantasy football skills do prepare me for real life situations.  Take this Florida Congressman who replaced the Palm Beach pedophile (allegedly) promising some kind of “ethical” revolution if elected.  Now he’s in the microwave set on high because he can not manage people.

If he was a three time fantasy football league champion like myself, he’d know how to manage his stable of mistresses.  Who needs an MBA from Wharton?  Fantasy sports are the new school for future management prospects.

Back on track here, let’s get started:
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Fantasy Football Rantworthy – Week 6

Week five is behind us now and FamousDC still refuses to cut their coverage of guys opening doors to focus solely on Fantasy Football.

However, I was excited to see some actual football related coverage of the Washington Sunburn’s tight end, Chris Cooley.  Congrats to Mr. Cooley who managed to keep his pecker out of his blog post this time.

Protip – Despite what Al “do as I say not as I do” Gore says, North America is getting cooler by the day, which means teams will stop passing as much and focus on the run more.   It’s not my opinion, it’s written in the Bible.  Make sure you have enough RBs to get you into the playoffs.

Full break down after the jump

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Fantasy Football Rant Week 4

I’ve got $700 Billion dollars that says Fantasy Football is the largest single indicator of financial health in the United States.  After this past weekend I’m afraid we’re a turd headed for a dark hole my friends.  Unless there’s some fantasy magic soon we’re all going to be eating out of dumpsters and drinking Thunderbird.

Shall we start?

1.  The “bye” weeks have started.  This one was particularly brutal with the Lions, Colts, Dolphins, Patriots, Giants and Seahawks all out.  I take that back, it was a blessing that every team but the Giants didn’t play.  There’s nothing like getting your bye week out of the way early so you can rely on the likes of Moss, Manning, Brady, Kitna, Addai, Wayne, Harrison and Hasselback for the rest of the season.  Quite a season that roster of losers is having.
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Fantasy Football Rantworthy – Week 3

I heard the world markets are on the brink of collapsing.  I couldn’t care less.  My fantasy football team has collapsed.

Lehman Brothers crashed and burned?  Bite Me.  Randy Moss is a total loss this year unless he all of sudden starts earning fantasy points for sitting on the bench thinking about how to be an asshole (more on that later).

Don’t come in here with this whole, “the economy is collapsing,” crap when there are bigger things to worry about – namely my f’d fantasy football season.

Let’s get started

1.  I forgot to mention last week’s Monday Night Football game where the National Anthem was murdered by some chick named Kat Deluna on national TV.  It was awful.  She even messed up the words to the song, but what do you expect from a chick who can’t spell “cat” correctly.  Ms. Deluna was singing the national anthem in honor of the NFL’s observation of National Hispanic Heritage month.  Tony Gonzalez was quoted as saying, “they did all that for me?”
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2.  The Brady debacle is just getting worse.   It’s one thing to lose your starting quarterback; it’s another to lose to the Miami Tuna at home… by three touchdowns.  Ronnie Brown (Ricky Williams’ backup) ran for four touchdowns and threw for one against the defending Super Bowl runner ups.
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3.  Ronnie Brown went up for 39 fantasy points on Sunday.  Randy Moss has a total for 19 for the season.  To make things worse Randy Moss went all “Randy Moss” when the game when started slipping away.  He sat on the bench all by himself trying to figure how wreck the clubhouse like he did in Minnesota and Oakland. Now I’ve got a guy with no one to throw to him and he’s about have some kind of mental breakdown and get suspended.  He’s like an unarmed Vince Young.
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4.  Peyton Manning… you bastard.  What the hell happened?  Two years ago you’d score 15 fantasy points just walking in to the stadium.  You put up a nine (9, nueve, 3X3) this week.  Your commercials were real cute when you were banking 32 points on Sundays, but they’re pissing me off now that you’ve turned into your brother circa 2006.  You better step up your game or face losing your endorsements.  Ever since Michael Phelps turned into Mr. T in China you no longer have the market cornered on goofy looking athletic white boys willing to do commercials.
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5.  Brett Favre continued to be a fantasy craps shoot this week by posting an 18 with three touchdowns and two “oh shits.”  Some people ride bulls for thrills.  Some people surf on top of moving trains for excitement.  I draft Brett Farve.
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6.  It was nice to see LT do something other than watch his backup tear it up.  The Visor went for 20, but he looks old.  Do you remember Marshall Faulk?  Yeah, neither do I.
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7.  Randy Moss has 19 points this entire season.  The Bears defense is whooping his ass.
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8.  Kyle Freaking Orton just may be the best quarterback/D&D player in the country.  He threw two touchdowns and two “Kyle Ortons” and finished with 18 points.  He also cast a level 3 weather spell on Joe Flaco.
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9.  Speaking of Joe Flaco. He had a great day.  They guy who runs like my 60 year-old dad managed to complete 13 passes to his own team and two to the other team.  He scored one (1, uno, .5+.5) point in the Raven’s very surprising win over the brown stains.
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10. 59 year-old Kerry Collins led the Tennessee Titans to their third win this week and had 12 fantasy points.  He runs more like an athlete than Flaco.
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11.  T.O. fans were disappointed to see him only put up a single point on the fantasy board this week.  Fans were also confused when Cowboy owner Jerry Jones started a country singer named “Miles Austin” in the third receiver slot.  Miles put up 17 points and played an awesome half-time tribute to Miley Cirus’ Dad who used to be what Sinatra was to Vegas in trailer parks.  Sarah Palin’s sons Knife and Bulldozer were quoted as saying, “Miles’ parents must not like him much.”

Fantasy Football Rantworthy – Week 2

I can not believe that FamousDC is still focused on political crap given the crisis that is Fantasy Football.

1.  Last time I saw Tom Brady he was on a yellow road with a lion, talking oil can and some hot chick with braids – he was on his way to see a wizard about some ligaments.  Little did I know his absence would completely end any chances of Randy Moss contributing to my team.  Way to go Brady.  Your replacement can’t throw the ball more than five yards down field, which means Randy Moss would have to catch 55 passes a game to be viable starter in any league.  You can’t catch 55 passes when you are in quintuple coverage.
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2.  You may remember the #1 draft pick in your league.  Yeah well, he took a big #2 on those who drafted him by racking up a total of three (3, tres, thrice) points in Sunday’s game against the Denver Broncos.  LT + TB = Busted season.  Meanwhile, LT’s backup, Darren Sproles, ripped it up with 24 points.  Good thing no one in the entire nation had him on their team.
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3.  I do have to give “props” to the Maryland Redskins.  They knocked off Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend’s team in a stunning upset. Santana Moss and Clinton Portis both put up 20 plus points.  I have both of them in one league even though Clinton Portis is a cross-dressing maniac who spooks the likes of Michael Jackson.
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4.  There are no apologies for those of you who drafted Steven Jackson.  He plays for the NFL’s Special Olympics team; what did you expect to happen?
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5.  Brett Favre went all “Brett Favre” again. “Brett Favre” is the only word in the english language that can be used to describe complete genius and complete idiotic failure.
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6.  Peyton Manning used to be Mr. Automatic.  Now’s he’s just a guy with a huge forehead.
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7.  Sure the Chargers were “robbed,” but when you are chosen to win the Super Bowl it shouldn’t be that close anyhow.  I don’t feel sorry for the chargers.  Jay Cutler whipped their ass and he has diabetes.  Do you know how hard it is to play with a bag of candy stored in your pants?
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8.  Chicago Bears’ World of Warcraft quarterback Kyle Orton went up for six points this week.  I guess he should work on his level three magic attacks.  A little trive for you – Orton graduated from Perdue.  Perdue has a receiver named Orton this year – he sucks as well.
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9.  And if you don’t think Al Qaeda can control the weather in order to F’ up our fantasy football season then you must have not had any Houston Texans starting for you.  I feel bad for the folks whose leagues lock all the players Sunday morning.  I played a guy with a Houston Texans receiver and he got screwed – a big fat zero.  I don’t, however, feel sorry for anybody with players on their team from the Ravens – you’re better off they didn’t play.  Hell, Baltimore is better off they didn’t play.  The entire league is better off that we didn’t see Joe Flaco run around like a knocked-kneed band nerd in football pads.  He belongs on the field alright – at halftime with a Tuba and an inhaler.

RANTWORTHY — Fantasy Football Week 1

A very enraged reader sent our tip lines his rants from fantasy football week 1. Please enjoy:

1.  Why is FamousDC still blogging on politics when it’s clear that Al Queda has infiltrated the NFL and f’d the season for all. It’s not just injuries, it’s Grade A teams losing to 1AA teams who only have a team because the  other owners like their owner.
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2. LT’s back up goes to the dirty south and smacks 220 on the detroit kittens.
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3. Brett Favre went Brett Favre all over the Miami Tuna even though he was in a New Jersey Jets uniform.  Favre just may turn New Jersey’s guido youth onto shirts with sleeves.
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4. Frank Freaking Gore made Al Gore weep with his jet fueled runs all over AZ.  Even crazies was the fact that AZ started a quarterback who played with Bart Starr.
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5.  Again, why does Joe Flaco run like my dad?  Shouldn’t he be a little more athletic than that?
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6.  The Bears beat the Colts led by a first ballot hall of fame quarterback.  The Bears started some dude named “Kyle Orton.” Sounds like a World Warcraft Champion’s name, not an NFL quarterback’s name. Elvis Grbac thinks you are a douche.
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7.  Brady goes down because he’s from a swing state.  Yep that’s right – the Vast Rightwing Conspiracy took his Obama loving ass out before he went 6-0 going into November and swayed the Michigan independents.  Don’t believe me? Ask Bunchen.
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8. Vince Young not only out, but on suicide watch?!?!?
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9. Mr. Rodger’s looked classy in Greenbay.
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10. The Raiders should have made use of the baseball diamond on their field – they’d probably be better at that than football.
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11. And yes, Tony Romo and the Cowboys looked quite good.  Of course, this is the R-E-G-U-L-A-R S-E-A-S-O-N.
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12.  Fantasy losers like myself will not be available for the election. Forget about us voting. There is way too much shit to rethink fantasy wise this year.  When Ocho Cinco catches Uno passes in a game, there’s a problem.